wispfox

There is a post bubbling away beneath the surface of my thoughts which may or may not manage to come out in this post, as a result of the combination of metahacker's post on cuddling and affection with friends-who-are-not-necessarily-lovers, and figmentj's post on dating when not seen as an audition.

It took me a very long time to understand that, for most people, and in the context of typical societal norms, cuddling was assumed to be sexual. Touch at all - beyond a handshake - was assumed to be an expression of sexual interest.

An additional difficulty with wrapping my head around this concept is that my line between finding someone interesting and wanting to seek them out and spend more time with them, and being sexually attracted to them is very thin. And, people who I find interesting enough to actively seek out are people I would like to cuddle, and there is probably at least some amount of sexual attraction there. It's not quite true that everyone that I'm close to and seek out and am cuddly with is also someone that I have some sexual attraction to, but it's very close.

But having that attraction does not mean that I - or they - have time, energy, sufficient levels of attraction, or even necessarily are aware of it. So, for me, cuddling is _not_ automatically a sexual thing - and has never been - and the idea of there always being a sexual aspect to touch and cuddling is a hard one for me to grasp. However, it does seem true that, at some level at least, whatever nebulous concepts sexual attraction contains is frequently involved in whose touch I seek out.

Also in whose touch I am not comfortable with. If there is any level of sexual content in cuddling for another person and I am not interested in going there, I will not be comfortable cuddling them. This does not even need to mean that they are aware of said context, so I am not entirely sure how I can tell, sometimes. If I can't tell, I will tend to err on the side of caution, so if I can't read a person, I will generally not touch them. Too much cultural baggage tied up in touch, especially cross-gender. This was a very, very hard-learned lesson.

The frsutrating part about this, though, is that I do still find myself hugging people, sometimes, because the social costs of not doing so are more than I can handle right now. This frustrates me when I do it, and is usually a good sign I'm not actually up to group social interactions.

So many things meant by 'attraction', even 'sexual attraction'. So much tangled up in that concept, and the related concepts of the process of sexual entanglement and dating.

Why does [edited to add: anyone believe that] it need[s] to be true that touch and cuddling are completely unrelated to attraction in order for them to be non-sexual? Attraction may often, and possibly usually, contain sexual desire, but that isn't the only thing in there. That isn't the only possible context for touch between adults! Including adults who _are_ sexually involved with each other.

If you're wanting time to yourself, or wanting one-on-one time with someone, how aware are you of you of the presence of other people in your surroundings?

Does it matter if you're in an apartment, a house, outdoors?

Does it matter _why_ you want that time/space?

( my answers )

Unintentional childhood lessons on not talking about things important to me have turned up in new and interesting ways relating to my difficulty with letting out negative emotions.

I do, now, reasonably with speaking up when things are being problematic for me, and not letting them fester in that particular way.

OK, I suppose the 'speaking up' previously mentioned is actually more frequently emailing. At least it's not always emailing anymore! I think it's usually due to processing delays. I'm not sure if it's also because it's easier to keep typing when crying (as I do when frustrated, as well as upset/sad/hurt), because it's another form of distance, or... dunno. Not clear if it has a direct effect on either my distancing.

I do _not_, however, do a very good job at actually letting myself experience the emotions, nor - as I've come to realize - getting past the workaround I set up so that I _could_ successfully communicate problems aloud, where so as to not cry I distance myself from it enough to stay able to talk (note: only recently a thing I was consciously aware of doing).

While yes, this is a useful workaround so as to prevent not talking about things at all and allow me to explain things, I am still missing the step past that one, where the issues are known to be understood and thus I stop distancing myself from the emotional reaction to them while trying to discuss/comprehend/work through/with them. Because even if the problems are explained and understood, whether or not they are things which can be prevented (some can, some cannot), there is still going to be a pile of emotional reaction there that I will need to let myself feel and work through. Both on my own, and with anyone else involved who is trying to work through it with me.

Distancing in that case? No longer helpful. Hurtful, because it can easily parse as distancing from anyone trying to talk with you about it, apologize for any part in it, and/or help heal the wound (in you, in them, in any relevent relationship(s)).

So clearly I have a new Thing to Work On. On the plus side, I have enough brain to see that it's there to work on, and am likely to be able to do so. Slowly. With help.

(not aware of anything specific triggering this)

I tend strongly toward not expecting people to know/remember/think of things, and thus toward (over-)explaining things that anyone else might feel safe in assuming is known.
But not only does such an assumption start on a dangerous path, I do not necessarily remember who I have told what, how well I felt like it was explained at the time, my mood of the time, nor if I'd thought to keep them appraised of any new/additional developments/thoughts/interpretations. With all of that, how _can_ I assume anyone knows anything that I know? I don't even know what I know, let alone knowing/remembering as appropriate what others have told me.

The aforementioned dangerous path is such: if I am willing to presume that someone knows a thing, it is not a huge jump (but still a faulty assumption) to presume that it would occur to said person at a related-to-me-appropriate (but not necessarily so strongly tied for another person) time. If _that_ assumption is made, not far at all to being upset because _clearly_ they knew better, so clearly it was done to hurt you, or they are clearly thoughtless of your feelings or whatever.

Of course, regardless of if I am willing to presume that anyone knows any particular thing about me (would much rather make clear my point of view than start on a path that too easily leads to telling myself stories!), it is certainly also the case that if I cannot make basic assumptions about people & how they will behave, I cannot be comfortable with, and thus cannot be close to, those people. And someone repeatedly not knowing/understanding a thing vital to my basic self will mean, no matter how forgving and tending towards explaining myself I am, it will be too much, too costly, to try to be close to them.

A certain amount of predictability is _necessary_, I think, just as much as continuing to grow and change. And, if it's me you deal with, a certain amount of ability to appreciate my tendency to over-explain things. Preferably, an ability to work with it, and help me dig out bits of uncertainty & investigation & hold them up to the light.

[written last night, late; phone would not let me post, however!]

It's _really_ odd attempting to summarize my life for the past 15 years. Also, my life, when compared to 'typical' people, is really quite unusual. :)


There was sun for _days_. And it's starting to no longer be the worst part of sinter for me. Feels a rather lot like I've been asleep for months. But then, I was both overwhelmed on multiple levels _and_ dealing with winter. Which is not over, and which I'm sure I mill be reminded of soon enough. :)


Sometimes I find really absurd things to fret about. Usually, the best tack to take in those situations (if I can make myself) is to tackle them head-on.


It's interesting to try to find the line between 'useful things I know about myself' and 'because I believe this limitation exists, I won't be able to beat it'. For example, I have trouble remembering proper nouns (yes, this includes people's names). This extends to vocabulary, whether it be foreign language words, terminology, or pretty much anything where there is a word to learn that has no real reason _why_ it associates. This made such classes as Anatomy & Physiology (I&II) and Organic Chemistry _hard_. They had some bits that were about 'why' and not just straight memorization, but it was still an amazing amount of memorization of words that did not generally have any logic to them. I tend to use flash cards for this (both writing it out and reviewing them are useful).

But... it means that I am _so_ used to this as a known broken bit in my brain that I will get pretty much instantly frustrated if someone is trying to suggest ways to work around it. I suspect this is due to how much energy I've put into trying to figure it out and workaround it, but... how do I _know_ that someone else might not have a useful insight that will be helpful? For the most part, my reaction to this is that I spent most of my life fighting with this; what can someone else possibly know? Any random person, probably my reaction is reasonable, as long as my reaction remains not excessive in intensity. But what about people who study how people think or learn or remember?

What about my tendinitis? I'm pretty sure I know more than most doctors I've talked to, about my specific problem, and I get _way_ too many suggestions, even still, 2 years in. I _am_ improving, though. And sometimes I still get helpful suggestions from complete strangers.

Or my spatial awareness lack. Sometimes people are amazed that I can do [foo] without using multiple dimensions or visualization in my head, but I cannot figure out why it would be needed. So clearly, I can overcome it in some cases. And some people can explain things to me which I would expect to need functional spatial awareness or visualization. But most of the time, this is not so. Such things as torque _completely_ did not work in my head in Physics II in undergrad, because I could not find a way to understand it without spatial awareness. Same problem with trigonometry and matricies.

But at the same time, things I _do_ understand, I can explain. I can write instruction and why and such _really well_ if I know how it works. It won't be formatted in a pretty way (it'll probably be plain text), but the information will be there. And I write great docs, because I don't remember details - I remember concepts - so I write the details & the steps down for later use by me and by anyone else who needs them. And because I'm so easily confused (I do _not_ do a very job at assumptions, I begin to think), I will tend to find all the weak spots in others' explanations.

So the question here, for my memory for things with no reason why (such as proper nouns), and for my spatial awareness is this:

Where is the line between being realistic about the ways my brain does and does not work, and "Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours." (Richard Bach. Illusions, I think)

I guess as long as I remember to verify my expectations of how I do and do not work, and what I can and cannot do, I'll be alright. There are certainly things that I thought I was awful at that was proven wrong (writing coherently, for example. When I was still only writing by hand, the act of writing by hand always distracted me from what I was trying to say, so I would tend to lose track).

And one good thing about the winter crap (silver lining, much?) is that it makes me question _everything_ at least twice a year.

I have a fuzzy frog which will go with me to work for petability purposes, and two magnetic monkeys which will live on my fridge. *pleased*

Mopping a ceiling is an odd experience. But now my office ought to stop smelling of mold and mildew.


( evil basic assumptions about interactions with other people in general )

The most damaging thing I learned while growing up was this:

"Don't talk about things that are very important to you, especially if the topic is a difficult one. It'll be twisted around as your fault, changed to be about the other person and not you, or twisted so that you're not sure if it really happened the way you remember. The more important the subject, the stronger the emotional attachment, the worse the reaction. Keep quiet. It's safer."

Those who have been reading me a while may notice something really interesting about this. I need to talk about things. _Especially_ when they are difficult for me. Especially with people I'm close to. And... my natural state is to be trusting, not wary. Yes, it's safer to not be as trusting as I was as a child. But... being taught by actions to go in the complete opposite direction isn't helpful, and makes it just as difficult to find a good balance point.

It's also not helpful to have been taught to doubt one's perceptions, because how, then, does one know who to trust? At least I've pretty much managed to get beyond that - I trust my perceptions now, mostly. (I don't think I _want_ to trust them completely - because then I might start buying into the belief that only my perceptions are accurate, no one else's. And that's just bad...)

To have been taught something so completely against who I am, regardless of the fact that it was not an intentional lesson, has been something I've been struggling to work through ever since. I _know_ it ties into my my reduced, but still existing, difficulty with forcing myself to talk about things when I am afraid of the reaction. I suspect it ties into my expectation for people to whom I have strong emotional ties to leave and/or hurt me. Leaving me, BTW, _is_ hurting me, for people I am close to - possibly the worst anyone can hurt me and still have me wanting them in my life. Even if there are good reasons. Reasons will help, though, if I can understand and agree with them.

Part of this is, almost certainly, the fact that I was a _very_ sensitive, open child.

And I continue to fight my demons...

Apparently, tafkar was hanging out in my head today. Some resolutions were listed in her journal that have been things I've been working on for a very long time (often, successfully. Not quite always, yet). I've snagged a few that are appropriate for me, with modifications as necessary.


Resolution the first:
I will trust that my lovers actually love me.
What this means is that I will stop being afraid that if I say that I need something, or say that I am not capable of doing something they want, I will NOT be afraid that love will be taken away. If the people who love me were looking for perfecttion, they wouldn't love me in the first place.

Yeah. Quite. This is possibly my biggest problem in relationships of all types.


Resolution the second
I will stop looking for subtext

I'm mostly over this. Mostly. But there are certainly times where I find myself second guessing my interpretation of something someone I care about said. Even though accepting what was said without subtext is easier on me (way less processing), something I'm pretty clear on needing (I'm *bad* with subtext), and something I really ought to be willing to believe that I will be given.

[x-posted to personal LJ and emotive_health]

The result of having had a roommate for a month, and then not having one again is interesting.

I find, this evening, after spending most of it reading Stranger In A Strange Land for the first time since early adolescence, that I am currently much more aware of the differences in who I am alone, with other people, and with other people with whom I am absolutely comfortable.

( self and others )