wispfox

Got to see and be at least a little cuddly with underwatercolor, weegoddess, minerva42, and a couple of people who have no lj that I am aware of.

And then, today, 4 hours of quiet chatting and some cuddling with weegoddess, who also got to chat with galaneia a fair bit. :)

And, metahacker was kind enough to help with my "I am so low on cuddle and now aware of it oh god I can't sleep" problems late last night. It's like opening a door and finding a Gaping Chasm Of Doom (or, in this case, painfully aching need for touch)! I definitely need more people to cuddle with regularly, though, as it can be a bit hard on him to only really have metahacker to get cuddles from. Like if he's overpeopled or it's too warm or whatever, you know?

Tomorrow, start volunteering at the lab I'm going to be helping with. Should be good, and it'll be nice to figure out a reasonable schedule (likely not full time, since that's not great for me when I am being paid, let alone when not,). Will also start trying to figure out where to apply to, no matter how much I do not want to apply agaaaaaain.

Did a bit of painting of the porch railing, with more to come. metahacker finished painting the trim in the back room, and adjusted the arrangement of the furniture in that room. It looks fabulous, I think.

There is a post bubbling away beneath the surface of my thoughts which may or may not manage to come out in this post, as a result of the combination of metahacker's post on cuddling and affection with friends-who-are-not-necessarily-lovers, and figmentj's post on dating when not seen as an audition.

It took me a very long time to understand that, for most people, and in the context of typical societal norms, cuddling was assumed to be sexual. Touch at all - beyond a handshake - was assumed to be an expression of sexual interest.

An additional difficulty with wrapping my head around this concept is that my line between finding someone interesting and wanting to seek them out and spend more time with them, and being sexually attracted to them is very thin. And, people who I find interesting enough to actively seek out are people I would like to cuddle, and there is probably at least some amount of sexual attraction there. It's not quite true that everyone that I'm close to and seek out and am cuddly with is also someone that I have some sexual attraction to, but it's very close.

But having that attraction does not mean that I - or they - have time, energy, sufficient levels of attraction, or even necessarily are aware of it. So, for me, cuddling is _not_ automatically a sexual thing - and has never been - and the idea of there always being a sexual aspect to touch and cuddling is a hard one for me to grasp. However, it does seem true that, at some level at least, whatever nebulous concepts sexual attraction contains is frequently involved in whose touch I seek out.

Also in whose touch I am not comfortable with. If there is any level of sexual content in cuddling for another person and I am not interested in going there, I will not be comfortable cuddling them. This does not even need to mean that they are aware of said context, so I am not entirely sure how I can tell, sometimes. If I can't tell, I will tend to err on the side of caution, so if I can't read a person, I will generally not touch them. Too much cultural baggage tied up in touch, especially cross-gender. This was a very, very hard-learned lesson.

The frsutrating part about this, though, is that I do still find myself hugging people, sometimes, because the social costs of not doing so are more than I can handle right now. This frustrates me when I do it, and is usually a good sign I'm not actually up to group social interactions.

So many things meant by 'attraction', even 'sexual attraction'. So much tangled up in that concept, and the related concepts of the process of sexual entanglement and dating.

Why does [edited to add: anyone believe that] it need[s] to be true that touch and cuddling are completely unrelated to attraction in order for them to be non-sexual? Attraction may often, and possibly usually, contain sexual desire, but that isn't the only thing in there. That isn't the only possible context for touch between adults! Including adults who _are_ sexually involved with each other.

There were many days in the White Mountains with metahacker.

There were stars, many many stars. And we never even went anywhere specific to go look at them.

There was walking in woods and mountains and rivers and mushrooms of various and unexpected colors and shapes. There were rocks for crossing wet places, for sitting on, for petting, for having pet rocks, and for being pets of rocks.

There was cuddling. A whole lot of cuddling. Also, cuddling.

There were conversations about bears and moose, but no actual sightings by the two of us of either one.

There was a gradual increase in ability to deal with walking in places with uphillness.

There was a cold with a fever that came and went.

There was conversation, chatting, silliness, and connecting.

There was a room that could have been better in various ways, but which was still a good room for being a room in which there was much time spent with metahacker.

There was a hot tub that I never got around to using. There were various very friendly owners and workers at the Bed & Breakfast we stayed at. There are wee pretty paintings, and postcards that failed to be sent while we were actually there.

There was grumpy, there was tired, but there was also a deep low level joy at being in mountains with trees and green and quiet.

There was remembering that mountains and hills are a rightness for me, in ways that flatness is not. And also remembering that places that tend to have them also tend to not have much to do in the evening.

There was much passing of various towns I've lived in or near, remembering when Concord, NH was a big city to me (Boston used to terrify me; Manhattan still does, although less so), seeing various towns that I think my high school used to have sports games at.

There were times when there was too much moving and I needed to just sit for a while and talk to the mountains and trees and grass. There were many more times when I just knew where I was, and was glad.

There was a fire, marshmallows, and small, hyper children. There was very little reading, and no internet access (or indeed, a computer, for me).

There was beauty. There was simplicity. There was quiet. There was time away with metahacker. And it was indeed good. I really needed that, for the time away, for the nature, for the time with metahacker.

There are pictures, which I may get around to posting some of.

In case anyone was unclear, I did in fact miss metahacker. A rather lot.

Additionally, I continue to be fond of my weighted blanket and the corresponding improvement in sleep. Even if I'm not completely convinced it's heavy enough.

I can, indeed, switch my brain into a state where I can be intensely social for long periods of time. But it requires me to not need to keep track of time, makes me _very_ flighty (counteracted by being cuddled), not great at self care, and makes non-highly-social activities not things I want to be doing (so I made it to no panels at all, and played very few games). It also requires that I have people I am utterly comfortable with clinging to/cuddling with reasonably easily available. It also makes me _way_ less good at being aware that I am not seeing as much of people as I might like, if I'm seeing them at all and I _am_ getting time with comfortably cuddly people. It also means that I start getting less able to handle touch from those I'm not as comfortable with. And starts meaning my impulse control goes away (although that may have been insufficient sleep).

I have done this before (when I met the_xtina and cos, and went to the housewarming where I knew no one), but it's been a long time, and I didn't really understand then how to make it last without huge cost. Now I have more data. :)

So! Arisia mathmatics:

( cutting is kind )

Why does Paperbackswap.com hate me today? Damn them. I want to give away/order more books!

Birthday parties are good. Even if it was too warm for me to remain in my formal clothing, I was still wearing fun clothing. And giggling like a loon continues (as per the trend with the_xtina) to make kissing cute girls somewhat difficult. But, I now have some immunity to the anti-kissing power of giggling! (even if I did then proceed to get very punchy as the night wore on! There were no announcements of my having toes; clearly I was still reasonably functional)

Also, happy birthday ifuonlyknew today, and jasra tomorrow!

I have unfamiliar brains to poke and prod! This is a good thing. (familiar ones continue to be good things to have around to play with, mind. Hell, assuming it's not irritating me, my _own_ continues to be fun to poke at)

I think I have finally been given a reason that I cannot avoid calling myself a geek which is less vague than being interested in everything (interest in everything is too damn general to be a geek thing). My fascination with people's brains/minds/psyches would, I think, be sufficiently strong to be a geek thing. Heh. I am an insufficiently well-educated geek of the mind, but what with my next schooling goals, that will not remain true! (of course, the more I know, the more there is to know, so I will likely continue to think I'm insufficiently well-educated about my fascination)

Mew!

So... I've apparently _not_ been doing a very good job of getting good amounts of cuddling lately, almost certainly partly affected by lack of couch. I know because I did last night, and noticed myself somewhat confused, as if I'd almost forgotten how to be quietly cuddly (it's difficult for me to be quietly cuddly with people when the options are: my bed, the floor, and chairs which are next to each other but are not a couch).


Can't imagine _that_ lack is helping with my energy levels. Sheesh!

Cuddly with people as vs. my cat, mind - he's still been getting that from me. Although he really really misses me having a roommate, and is _very_ lonely. This makes being social by going places much harder, because I feel bad about leaving him alone...

There will be a couch, and a roommate, soon. And there will be a australian_joe even sooner, for a bit less than a week.

[edit: the humidity probably factors in to this, as well; less likely to be cuddly when I'm feeling sticky]

Brief moments of snuggling before leaving for work are wonderful. Having been _asked_ for them is... amazing, really.

It's odd, but in a really, _really_ good way, to be asked to do things that I want to do anyway, especially if I'd not actually consciously realized that I want to (I have a fairly strong "don't wake sleeping people' thing in my head, although I'm getting better at accepting that most other people don't have as much trouble with getting to and staying asleep as I do).

I think the last time I sought anyone out for brief cuddling before leaving for work/school was when I was still in junior high or possibly high school. And that was because school _terrified_ me.

Having someone with whom I enjoy, crave, or otherwise actively enjoy physical contact ask me for specific kinds of cuddly physical contact is amazing. I don't tend to get that much. Hell, I don't tend to get asked for touch from most of the people that I am close to, let alone any specific kind that was actively missed by them.

Asking is an excellent way to reinforce desired behaviors, since I don't necessarily trust/pick up on non-verbal stuff. :)

I'm amused to notice myself randomly grinning because there is an australian_joe sleeping in my bed. Both today, at work, and over the long weekend, sometimes, when I'd look over when he was napping.

Yeah. Joy. :)

Good weekend. Very much with the good.

Psinging of shininess (as previously stated). Brought ladytabitha and ayalanya there with me. entrochan went there for the first time, and seemed to enjoy herself. Was randomly scritched by multiple people on my way in, which was neat and had the usual effect of causing me to stop whatever I was doing and purr (internally - I don't actually purr vocally very often, as it requires thought, and I tend to lose thought when in states where I would want to purr). Scritched ayalanya and ratatosk for a bit, which was nifty and snuggly. Many other nifty people as well, of course, but I interacted less directly with them.

Brought ladytabitha and ayalanya home with me (ladytabitha drove, which was good because I was tired and we'd have left earlier otherwise), and sleeping happened.

Very lazy morning, then ayalanya did much cooking of tasiness and impressiveness. starandrea arrived in mid-afternoon, and food was consumed. Dress-up happened. I note that I sometimes forget how much fun clothing I _have_. I should really wear it more often! Much cuddly goodness with starandrea. I purr. :) Wandered to Friendly's (across the street) for ice cream purposes. The waitress pegged us all very well, and brought us water with bendy straws! Hee. :) Very silly, we all are. (as if anyone is surprised)

Abortive attempt at watching "Monty Python's Holy Grail" due to everyone being tired. As starandrea had to leave early the next morning, goodbyes were said to her before sleep.

Vaguely anti-social morning the next morning, at least on my part. penghuin stopped by to bring ladytabitha home. There was much entertaining/distracting interaction before leaving actually happened, which made for a very interesting beginning of phone conversation with australian_joe. I am pleased to note that I no longer am vaguely baffled by penghuin, as I appear to have finally managed to get a sense of him. Yay!

ayalanya and I went to work group, and work group was good, although _tiring_. I was already tired before I got there, so that was interesting. I think I ate about three times more than I normally do, afterwards. And there was much scritching and brief snuggly interaction, and it was good.

_lots_ of snuggling and scritching and touch of goodness, and people frequently enough initiated it, as well! I am pleased and purry. *quiet glee*

Still tired, for some strange reason. I slept for ~11 hours Sat night! On the plus side, having done so appears to have managed to kick the annoying sinus thing I had. Apparently it was a cold, and that's why I was so damn tired all weekend and late last week, and had the dizzy that I sometimes get with sinus stuff (made for an interesing Psinging, since I kept randomly getting dizzy while sitting there!).

*pleased*

edit: sheesh. I think I used more LJ names in this post than I normally do in multiple months! Odd. :)