wispfox

I can, indeed, switch my brain into a state where I can be intensely social for long periods of time. But it requires me to not need to keep track of time, makes me _very_ flighty (counteracted by being cuddled), not great at self care, and makes non-highly-social activities not things I want to be doing (so I made it to no panels at all, and played very few games). It also requires that I have people I am utterly comfortable with clinging to/cuddling with reasonably easily available. It also makes me _way_ less good at being aware that I am not seeing as much of people as I might like, if I'm seeing them at all and I _am_ getting time with comfortably cuddly people. It also means that I start getting less able to handle touch from those I'm not as comfortable with. And starts meaning my impulse control goes away (although that may have been insufficient sleep).

I have done this before (when I met the_xtina and cos, and went to the housewarming where I knew no one), but it's been a long time, and I didn't really understand then how to make it last without huge cost. Now I have more data. :)

So! Arisia mathmatics:

( cutting is kind )

I have no brain for things not work-related. But! I can offer beauty and silly and such, because it's fun and good and I want to. :)

( no really, lots of links under here. No actual content )

Sometimes laughter is from amusement, often from startled, silly, or both.

Sometimes it's either that or crying.

Sometimes it's that _and_ crying.

Sometimes it's to stave off hysteria, and those laughs sound very brittle to my own ears.

Sometimes, though, laughter is an extension of a smile, because the smile just cannot hold enough joy without exploding into laughter. This is usually what is happening if I am unable to explain why I am laughing.


I now know that I handle completely unfamiliar situations much better than I used to. But they still are no fun. But, sometimes, especially difficult situations allow one to work through things that one did not know how to address, and come out the other side with a better understanding of one's self and one's relationships.


My predictive abilities for my emotional state are much better for positive situations than negative ones. I suspect strongly that I tend toward being overly negative about negative ones, because it's safer. It's much easier to start from the point of not being able to handle something, and perhaps later relax that as appropriate, than to expect too much of myself and make things bad all around for no helpful reason. On the other hand, I'm really accurate about whether or not something likely to be good for me is likely.

It frequently frustrates me that when I want to refer to the state of being busy - business - I constantly run into the common meaning of that word. So I cannot use it.

And yet. And yet!

I never noticed that, all too often, business _is_ all about being busy, which link was pointed to by postvixen in this post.

The funny thing? I'm much too often aware of my propensity for doing too many things at once. For forgetting to take time to relax and chill. And then it bites me, by making me unable to sleep, usually, but if I let it go on too long, making me _COMPLETELY_ anti-social no matter what the season. (Anyone remember my mental state last summer? :) I simply am not one who _can_ work constantly - I have never been. Can't do things like leaving things to the last minute, because if I do that they _won't_ get done. Can't do constant fire fighting (figuratively) because it kills my mental state.

And _still_ I so often have to struggle to remember to chill out and just be. (meditation may not always actually work for me, but even trying it helps immensely)

I often wonder if this is why one of the things that I most prefer to do when I am visiting with friends is simply to sit. Chat a bit, if we want to, but not if we don't. And why I have such difficulty with people who don't seem to know how to turn _off_ their intensity.

Sometimes I let myself get distracted, and forget to listen to myself. This results in stress, and being tired, but sleep not being enough to resolve the problem.

Sometimes it's work, sometimes it's being really social, sometimes it's trying to do too much all at once. Sometimes it's all of them, like lately.

Then I remember to listen to myself. And I take a walk alone, just wandering, or lying in the grass looking at the sky and the fluffy clouds, or the stars. And I find my calm again.

There was a time, when I was younger, when I was almost always calm. Perhaps because I avoided people, so there were fewer external distractions. Perhaps because people did not make sense, what with always rushing around, always having things to do. Sometimes, as I knew then and often forget now, one needs to have nothing at all to do. To wander, to simply be, to remember calm. I sometimes wonder if the tradeoff of interacting with people is really worth the loss of my calm. Most of the time, I don't have to wonder, as I know it is.

I think, or hope, that work will calm down now. At least as compared to the last week or so. And I hope that my coming Saturday will continue to be free. To relax, to wander around outdoors. To just be. It's not a vacation I need, because I tend to want to _do_ stuff on vacation, or to visit people. It's time with nothing I have to do. No plans, no responsibilites. So, perhaps, a vacation even from myself.

Lately, I've felt an awful lot like I tended to feel during finals week in college. Except that, unlike college, I don't get a few weeks off afterwards. I must remember to not burn myself out. Not just with work, but with people, with doing too much stuff. With trying to get to know the many people I find interesting.

There is time. I frequently need to remind myself of this, as I get impatient when I lose my calm. But there is time. There is always time, up until the day it runs out.

Even when people's physical selves decide to remind them and those around them that they are mortal, there is still time. I _have_ to believe that, because I am too prone to rushing, and to impatience.

There is time. Remember to breathe. And to listen to yourself. And be patient. Not just with those around you, but yourself, as well.