wispfox

OKCupid finds the most fabulous people! (and apparently the word 'fabulous' is itself 'fabulous')

Regardless of whether or not there is dating potential (which I often don't know immediately), I find excellent people on there.

I just had a lovely dinner with a couple of women who are married to each other (why does 'married women' not sound right there? I need more words) and who OKQ put each of in my quiver (small world, OKQ, small world). And wandering around Harvard with them (one of whom has a direction sense! Yay, direction senses!) was fun, too. The fish in the Charles are spawning, just like the fish in my pond. :)

And rain! OMG, rain! Which didn't fall on us while wandering around Harvard, but is totally making my garden much, much happier!

Now, though, sleepy. Yes.

As a side effect of having spent the last year going crazy with my masters program, and having just turned in what I hope to be my final draft to my adviser, I have not had the energy to be social. Right now, I expect some modifications to be requested from my adviser, and to send it to my second reader for feedback, but the major push is done with.

And so, today, having turned that in on Thursday and actually managed to sleep last night, I'm aware of being _wickedly_ low on social interaction. Sadly for me, most of the people I know tend to be booked up, plus Firefly is this weekend, plus at least one possible social outlet has a fever which they do not wish to give me. So, no social for me. (I was also interested in social last night, but hadn't yet slept decently)

It's novel to realize just how little social I've been getting, and that I have the energy and brain space to want to do something about it.

I clearly need to start visiting and being visited by people again! But with slightly more notice than, um, none. ;)

Many, many thanks to whispercricket, teinedreugan, and jasra for packing help yesterday, and to hfcougar for pre-painting wall cleaning today! I keep having an urge to thank people when I see them; when you consider that I live with hfcougar, it turns out that I have to bite my tongue a lot or risk being annoying.

But help! Yay help! And company! (which I also have sometimes when metahacker and I pack things together, like today. :)

In theeeeory, galaneia returns tomorrow. In practice we'll see; they've said this for three days now.

The concept of Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? and a blog post about the concept.

... is that I know exactly what I'm seeing when I see it.

And just how much I can't do about it.

I listen, though.

I can do that, to an extent. But only to an extent, this being why I'm _not_ going into any sort of therapy career.

I just... mrr. I don't know. It's hard to watch. It's harder to pretend I don't see, so I don't go that route.

I see you. I hear you. I listen.

I'm sorry.

Can has had party (_is_ there a lolcat past tense?!). And much cuddling. And much kissing. And also remembering that I do in fact have functional hands with which to be physically affectionate with many peoples.

There were many nifty people. Both games I brought got played. There was good time with metahacker and there were many random massages given because my hands mostly work again!

Now, there is to be waiting for my food to finish cooking. And OMG, tired. Probably partly due to raaaaaain & clouds. And a late night Saturday night.

There is to be an empty room into which I can move, soon.

But now, working until my food is done cooking, and then food, and then working again.

There is a post bubbling away beneath the surface of my thoughts which may or may not manage to come out in this post, as a result of the combination of metahacker's post on cuddling and affection with friends-who-are-not-necessarily-lovers, and figmentj's post on dating when not seen as an audition.

It took me a very long time to understand that, for most people, and in the context of typical societal norms, cuddling was assumed to be sexual. Touch at all - beyond a handshake - was assumed to be an expression of sexual interest.

An additional difficulty with wrapping my head around this concept is that my line between finding someone interesting and wanting to seek them out and spend more time with them, and being sexually attracted to them is very thin. And, people who I find interesting enough to actively seek out are people I would like to cuddle, and there is probably at least some amount of sexual attraction there. It's not quite true that everyone that I'm close to and seek out and am cuddly with is also someone that I have some sexual attraction to, but it's very close.

But having that attraction does not mean that I - or they - have time, energy, sufficient levels of attraction, or even necessarily are aware of it. So, for me, cuddling is _not_ automatically a sexual thing - and has never been - and the idea of there always being a sexual aspect to touch and cuddling is a hard one for me to grasp. However, it does seem true that, at some level at least, whatever nebulous concepts sexual attraction contains is frequently involved in whose touch I seek out.

Also in whose touch I am not comfortable with. If there is any level of sexual content in cuddling for another person and I am not interested in going there, I will not be comfortable cuddling them. This does not even need to mean that they are aware of said context, so I am not entirely sure how I can tell, sometimes. If I can't tell, I will tend to err on the side of caution, so if I can't read a person, I will generally not touch them. Too much cultural baggage tied up in touch, especially cross-gender. This was a very, very hard-learned lesson.

The frsutrating part about this, though, is that I do still find myself hugging people, sometimes, because the social costs of not doing so are more than I can handle right now. This frustrates me when I do it, and is usually a good sign I'm not actually up to group social interactions.

So many things meant by 'attraction', even 'sexual attraction'. So much tangled up in that concept, and the related concepts of the process of sexual entanglement and dating.

Why does [edited to add: anyone believe that] it need[s] to be true that touch and cuddling are completely unrelated to attraction in order for them to be non-sexual? Attraction may often, and possibly usually, contain sexual desire, but that isn't the only thing in there. That isn't the only possible context for touch between adults! Including adults who _are_ sexually involved with each other.

Baby red pandas!

Simple Wikipedia

Getting good time, chatting, and cuddles with my cuddly wordsmith of a sweetie.

Going to the Butterfly Place with a quite gleeful, photo-taking galaneia, where there were also some utterly adorable tiny birds. And hungry, hungry goldfish with gaping mouths.

It's almost not February anymore!

Snuggly, chatty jasra, and knowing that we will continue to see each other weekly when we are not roommates.

Being productive.

Having had a visit from randysmith last week, and getting time with majes this week.

Lasting slightly longer at a party of people I largely don't know than I expected to do, especially considering it was after spending time around small children at the Butterfly Place.

Boxes. And filling them with stuff.

Realizing that my wrist was cranky because it wanted more (non-computer) use, not because the computer use was itself problematic to the point of danger.

Sunlight.

Actually feeling my sleep meds kick in last night and being sleepy because of it (means my brain isn't going too fast for them to counteract).

Meeting nifty people is a goodness.

Having my social circle remind me that it is _VERY VERY SMALL_ is just funny. Also, brain-hurty. But mostly funny. :)