Things what I hate about February
Feb. 10th, 2009 09:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wispfoxI dislike being irrational, and winter depression means I am. So I get quiet. Because I can't tell what's too much and what is not enough and I strongly prefer to avoid too much. (lots of baggage about freaking people out/being too intense/etc in there)
And I can't tell how quiet I am or am not being because my brain tends to grab things - anything that could seem to fit the necessary criteria - and spiral on them. Thinking about them over and over and over and over makes it really hard to tell what I've actually _said_, especially when many things are things which are known to be problems that I am prone to (why yes, I do feel like a damned broken record sometimes!) and depression brings them out every damn winter.
And so I drive myself nuts, and get very quiet. Partly because I don't want to overwhelm, and I'm overwhelming _myself_, so why would I not overwhelm everyone else? Partly because I feel like a bottomless pit of needy, so I don't want to ask because how can it not be too much (it's quite fascinating that when I most need comfort, I am least able/willing to ask or even let myself have clear body language about it, and the list of people who are actually _able_ to provide comfort gets smaller and smaller as my ability to cope with people in general shrinks. And of course, my ability to make plans to spend time with people goes to hell, as does being able to decide what to do/eat/anything)? Partly because I forget how to ask for help. Or that I can. I get too stuck in my head, and keep what energy I have to go to work so that I remain employed.
So when I do have a few moments of relative sanity, I try very hard to tell people that I'm being crazy and I know I'm being crazy and what, if anything, they can do to help. But even then, it's only relative sanity.
And I _live_ with my own emotions. So other people's... grate more. So if someone else is distressed, especially if I care about them, it takes an effort of will to not try to help them, rather than ask for help if I need it. I'm way, _WAY_ better than I used to be, in that I will stop trying to give when I have nothing available to do so with, and I will avoid people if I can't cope, but... the asking, the expressing that I am needy when words are... not my native language. That's one of the first things to go, even if other people's needy isn't overriding my own, and even if I'm able to ignore that I feel like I'm asking too much. And I have a lifetime of not letting myself _show_ that I'm struggling, because curling up into a ball with little to no warning disconcerts the _hell_ out of people (and requires a _LOT_ of trust on my part, considering how vulnerable-making it is; on par with crying around other people, I think), and not being present when there are conversations happening frustrates the hell out of me. Not being able to communicate is probably one of the most effective ways to frustrate me to the point of tears. Thus a post a few months ago about how hard it is to let myself stop trying to ignore emotional reactions because if I let them happen I can't communicate, even after I _am_ understood.
I hate February. I hate depression. If we knew enough about the brain to do it without damaging anything else, seasonal depression and my damned idiopathic insomnia would be the two things I would absolutely want fixed. And, of course, they feed off each other. And, my sleep aid? Is actually an _anxiety_ med, to shut my brain up. However, if I'm driving myself crazy with brain spirals, it can't dampen my brain-spinny _enough_. So I sleep less, and have less cope, and... yeah.
Poor cat is getting snapped at, since he whines about food no matter what time I get home, and we're trying very hard to stick to a schedule so he does that less.
I want less complicated for a while. I don't know that I'm going to get it. On the plus side, there is packing to do. Although I think I did all of what I sanely can right now. And World of Warcraft to play (although this post got partly composed _while_ playing, so its distraction powers are not sufficient to keep my brain occupied right now). Tomorrow evening, I try to get back into swimming. There, at least, I should have enough to distract myself, at least until I remember how long it's been until I swam and have to stop.
*wryly amused* My entire team is going slightly crazy at the moment, so at least I'm not alone in making really, really strange and out-of-character errors at work...
Hermitude would mean I did not have to deal with people complication, and would mean I was not being a burden when I get nonfunctional or and struggling. But I need people. And people would not be happy if I did actually completely go radio silent, no matter how much I want to. And there's work. And much as a mental health day is probably warranted, there's both the 'that's true all of Feb, and much of Jan and March' aspect of not wanting a dangerous precedent, and the fact that I have still not caught up on vacation from when I was sick with that damn flu for weeks and weeks.
I'm so. _Tired_.
And I can't tell how quiet I am or am not being because my brain tends to grab things - anything that could seem to fit the necessary criteria - and spiral on them. Thinking about them over and over and over and over makes it really hard to tell what I've actually _said_, especially when many things are things which are known to be problems that I am prone to (why yes, I do feel like a damned broken record sometimes!) and depression brings them out every damn winter.
And so I drive myself nuts, and get very quiet. Partly because I don't want to overwhelm, and I'm overwhelming _myself_, so why would I not overwhelm everyone else? Partly because I feel like a bottomless pit of needy, so I don't want to ask because how can it not be too much (it's quite fascinating that when I most need comfort, I am least able/willing to ask or even let myself have clear body language about it, and the list of people who are actually _able_ to provide comfort gets smaller and smaller as my ability to cope with people in general shrinks. And of course, my ability to make plans to spend time with people goes to hell, as does being able to decide what to do/eat/anything)? Partly because I forget how to ask for help. Or that I can. I get too stuck in my head, and keep what energy I have to go to work so that I remain employed.
So when I do have a few moments of relative sanity, I try very hard to tell people that I'm being crazy and I know I'm being crazy and what, if anything, they can do to help. But even then, it's only relative sanity.
And I _live_ with my own emotions. So other people's... grate more. So if someone else is distressed, especially if I care about them, it takes an effort of will to not try to help them, rather than ask for help if I need it. I'm way, _WAY_ better than I used to be, in that I will stop trying to give when I have nothing available to do so with, and I will avoid people if I can't cope, but... the asking, the expressing that I am needy when words are... not my native language. That's one of the first things to go, even if other people's needy isn't overriding my own, and even if I'm able to ignore that I feel like I'm asking too much. And I have a lifetime of not letting myself _show_ that I'm struggling, because curling up into a ball with little to no warning disconcerts the _hell_ out of people (and requires a _LOT_ of trust on my part, considering how vulnerable-making it is; on par with crying around other people, I think), and not being present when there are conversations happening frustrates the hell out of me. Not being able to communicate is probably one of the most effective ways to frustrate me to the point of tears. Thus a post a few months ago about how hard it is to let myself stop trying to ignore emotional reactions because if I let them happen I can't communicate, even after I _am_ understood.
I hate February. I hate depression. If we knew enough about the brain to do it without damaging anything else, seasonal depression and my damned idiopathic insomnia would be the two things I would absolutely want fixed. And, of course, they feed off each other. And, my sleep aid? Is actually an _anxiety_ med, to shut my brain up. However, if I'm driving myself crazy with brain spirals, it can't dampen my brain-spinny _enough_. So I sleep less, and have less cope, and... yeah.
Poor cat is getting snapped at, since he whines about food no matter what time I get home, and we're trying very hard to stick to a schedule so he does that less.
I want less complicated for a while. I don't know that I'm going to get it. On the plus side, there is packing to do. Although I think I did all of what I sanely can right now. And World of Warcraft to play (although this post got partly composed _while_ playing, so its distraction powers are not sufficient to keep my brain occupied right now). Tomorrow evening, I try to get back into swimming. There, at least, I should have enough to distract myself, at least until I remember how long it's been until I swam and have to stop.
*wryly amused* My entire team is going slightly crazy at the moment, so at least I'm not alone in making really, really strange and out-of-character errors at work...
Hermitude would mean I did not have to deal with people complication, and would mean I was not being a burden when I get nonfunctional or and struggling. But I need people. And people would not be happy if I did actually completely go radio silent, no matter how much I want to. And there's work. And much as a mental health day is probably warranted, there's both the 'that's true all of Feb, and much of Jan and March' aspect of not wanting a dangerous precedent, and the fact that I have still not caught up on vacation from when I was sick with that damn flu for weeks and weeks.
I'm so. _Tired_.
