wispfox

I do not get enough cuddling in my life. Currently, it's basically only metahacker. jasra and I are working on it, on our end. The fact that I will tend to forget to be cuddly with people if I've not been doing enough cuddling does not help.

One of the best things about the wedding I just attended was feeling comfortable saying to a couple of women I had just met that I would like to be cuddling them. And then, we did so. One was more comfortable with cuddling than the other, I suspect due purely to experience with it. But. Cuddles. Cuddles with no purpose beyond simple touch.

Also, fabulous dog whose purpose in life is to be cuddly (literally, that's what she's being trained for). :)

I really, really miss contexts in which the cultural norm of 'touch must be sexual or at least have a sexual overtone' has been subverted. I mean, I don't tend to be cuddly with people if I'm not attracted to them somehow or another ("attracted" as in "drawn to" or "fascinated by" or "want to know better" - no specific goal beyond that), but it feels like a world of difference between "hey, you're nifty" and "My only purpose for touching you is because I want to get into your pants at the earliest possible opportunity". The attendees at this weekend's wedding, thankfully basically free of that cultural norm. So, I actually let hugs last as long as they would naturally do so. And didn't feel uncomfortable at random back massages as part of hugs (and indeed gave such as part of hugs myself). I am not trying to suggest that there was no interest, just that it wasn't the point of the touch.

I'm also _utterly_ delighted by the fact that, unlike usual, one of the women there was first to suggest the idea of trading contact information. It can get very, very tiring to always be the one asking for more interaction with interesting women, y'know? (I'm typically not as drawn to lengthen interactions with men, and the fact that I'm acutely aware of not dating any women appears to only have increased this trend more toward finding women more interesting) I think the last woman who was first to suggest more interactions (or perhaps mutual of said) after our first interaction was jasra. (and before that was the_xtina)

I can never tell if that's because they are shy to suggest more interaction, there is not sufficiently strong mutual fascination, or what. And I often feel like I come on too strong when I find someone fascinating, which rarely helps when interacting with a woman.

Transition states are evil, as anyone reading me knows. Unfortunately, my tolerance for one such in my life has just abruptly informed me that it needs to change _now_. No, really, now.

However, I'm also severely depressed (as in desperately wanting to cancel all my plans for the next week, even though there is no jasra this weekend and being alone when this depressed is unwise). And my timeout for time between seeing australian_joe just started being problematic (it takes another couple months before I fail to cope with that). And my fucking wrists are evil (but healing). And everything I do for self-distraction _still_ needs happy wrists. And I can't fill out my damned visa application, nor can I take another class next semester.

So I'm waiting until I'm a bit less depressed (or at least until a few more days have passed and I'm certain it's not a temporary failure of cope) before figuring out what I can do about said transition state (since anything that anyone else could do is not something that should be forced. And I don't know how any such would happen, with me not coping this much, and not be forced).

But. Severely depressed. Also snappy and intensely irritable. And moody, shifting between wanting to cry and wanting to kick things (interesting; that used to be 'throw my lacrosse ball against a wall really hard'; fuckin' wrists) rather absurdly rapidly (probably simultaneous, actually). Avoiding interacting with me is suggested.

Today is a day that I would much rather be outside.

It's got the brisk wind which feels like autumn, and has some sun, unlike this morning. It's cool, but not cold. It makes me wish I knew how to hang glide. Or could somehow fly on my own, like a swallow, catching air currents and swooping and gliding around in the way that they do that always seems like so much fun.

Or climb a tree, which my wrists won't let me do, and there's not any climbing trees nearby anyway. But if I could climb a tree, I could be up high and feel the wind and the tree swaying in the wind and feel both protected by the tree and free.

Or go to a park and walk around a lot, and hope I don't get too lost (it's hard, having simultaneous desire to wander around lots and knowing how easily I get lost). But wandering. And park. And trees and grass and water. And wind and birds.

Or be in a hammock or a porch swing, so I can at least move with the breeze, and read or just watch everything around me.

There's just the hint of energy and power, like a far away thunderstorm. The wind is brisk enough that I could believe it, but it's too far away for me to believe it'll happen today, if at all. I _like_ thunderstorms... *wistful*

Because today, I am unrealistic.

What do I want for $DECEMBER_HOLIDAY?

Also, it's always interesting that I can tell how poorly I slept by how hungry I am in the morning. Sheesh. (starving? Slept for crap)

( copied here for safekeeping )

to not have trouble sleeping on a regular basis.
to not have seasonal depression.
to have my wrists be normal again.
to not have stupid digestive issues.

to have a day where I don't have to do anything (difficult when I get hungry or need bathroom or cannot sleep anymore).
to not have the three people i'm closest to in distress. more so when one is because of me and points 3&4.

I am so goddamn tired. physically, mentally, pycholoically. and I have no idea what to do to fix it. none of my normal sleep tricks are working, nd that is likely my biggest issue right now. sleep helps ecerything else, after all.

The word 'need' implies vital for one's survival, to me. The word 'want' implies that it'd be nice, but one would be ok either way.

I want a word to describe the difference in experience between simply surviving, and thriving. The difference between something to feed my physical self, and those things which feed my spirit. I can't think of things which help me thrive, which feed my spirit, as simply 'wants'. But, technically, neither are they needs. So what _are_ they?

I certainly run into them often enough, especially in the wintertime. So a word would be nice...

What word would one use to describe those people in one's life from whom one derives nurishment, who encourage one to grow, to discover, to improve, to learn, to become more one's self? With whom conversations are not only pleasant, but a delight, a source of joy, and something sorely missed when they are gone?

No, I don't _need_ anyone. That's not a burden I ever want to put onto another person, if I have any choice in the matter. Largely, I'm sure, because it's not a burden I _want_ - it's enough effort to take care of myself and my own physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.

But... there are certainly people in my life for whom their presense, the ability to talk to them, are more than simply 'wants'. Some of these can be described as friendships, some of them are deeper than that. But I want a word to describe their importance in my life without implying that I cannot survive without them. I _can_, just not happily. And not as well. For, without them, I am missing whatever nurishment they were giving me.

There is a word missing for this concept, and I want it! (yes, I _did_ have this verbalize itself on the way home tonight, and while I was writing this. Can anyone tell? :)