I have no idea where this post is going

[wispfox]

I miss having a creek in my backyard, and a pond in the cemetary behind my house.

I miss spending as much time as I could outside, in the spring and summer, collecting aquatic creatures to put into the wading pool. That wading pool never actually got used for _people_, because I kept kidnapping it. Apparently no one else minded. I loved to watch them grow, and change. And I have no idea how I managed to keep the water sufficiently oxygenated. But I did, because the creatures lived, and I could return them to the pond, and the creek, later.

I miss the feeling of minnows, nibbling at my toes, attempting to figure out if I was a source of food. It always tickled.

I miss trees that I could climb easily, and just sit on a branch and listen.

I miss grass, warm and soft and sweet, upon which I could relax, and look into the sky. At the clouds, the birds, the trees. Or I could close my eyes, and soak up the sunlight, and the solidity of the earth.

I miss having huge amounts of time to be outdoors, during the day. Even when the weather warms, too much of my time is spent at work. I suspect that this is part of why the idea of wandering around the US for a year or two is such a strong pull for me...

Too much time is spent working so I can live, and not enough figuring out what I want to do with myself. I love my social network, I love getting to know people, making friends, investigating other people's minds. I'm sure part of my major socialness of the past year or so is because I never really had so much opportunity before. But I need to figure out what _else_ I want to do. Who I am when _not_ with people, now that I'm finally managing to get a sense of who I am with them.

If I did not have books to read, computer games to play, what would I do, when not with other people? Besides processing, I mean. I have no hobbies I've stuck with long enough to know well (ok, _maybe_ counted cross stitch, but I always use other people's designs), or to be drawn to. The only musical instrument I even vaguely keep up with is my voice. I have no creative outlet whatsoever. Energy work? Maybe. But that doesn't quite feel like a creative outlet, at least as of yet. I want to make something. I just don't know what. Too many of the making somethings that I am aware of require a spacial awareness I just don't have. So... I continue to search. Maybe some day, I'll find, even if only for a short while.