wispfox

No, not the memory post I referenced intending to make yesterday.

Different one.

Reading the replies to theferrett's query about women's worst peer-inflicted humiliation in middle school (possibly triggering!) did an interesting job of reminding me of just how crappy my memory is, especially relating to things that I don't think I can do anything about. I have startlingly good ignoring abilities, I notice.

( cut because I felt like it )

I am reminded by this of exactly how lucky I was, growing up.

( cut for length )

Sometimes I wonder if it's apparent to other people just how much effort I've put into understanding other people. Not so much now, as I've managed to get it mostly automatic (mostly).

( I ramble )

Sometimes I let myself get distracted, and forget to listen to myself. This results in stress, and being tired, but sleep not being enough to resolve the problem.

Sometimes it's work, sometimes it's being really social, sometimes it's trying to do too much all at once. Sometimes it's all of them, like lately.

Then I remember to listen to myself. And I take a walk alone, just wandering, or lying in the grass looking at the sky and the fluffy clouds, or the stars. And I find my calm again.

There was a time, when I was younger, when I was almost always calm. Perhaps because I avoided people, so there were fewer external distractions. Perhaps because people did not make sense, what with always rushing around, always having things to do. Sometimes, as I knew then and often forget now, one needs to have nothing at all to do. To wander, to simply be, to remember calm. I sometimes wonder if the tradeoff of interacting with people is really worth the loss of my calm. Most of the time, I don't have to wonder, as I know it is.

I think, or hope, that work will calm down now. At least as compared to the last week or so. And I hope that my coming Saturday will continue to be free. To relax, to wander around outdoors. To just be. It's not a vacation I need, because I tend to want to _do_ stuff on vacation, or to visit people. It's time with nothing I have to do. No plans, no responsibilites. So, perhaps, a vacation even from myself.

Lately, I've felt an awful lot like I tended to feel during finals week in college. Except that, unlike college, I don't get a few weeks off afterwards. I must remember to not burn myself out. Not just with work, but with people, with doing too much stuff. With trying to get to know the many people I find interesting.

There is time. I frequently need to remind myself of this, as I get impatient when I lose my calm. But there is time. There is always time, up until the day it runs out.

Even when people's physical selves decide to remind them and those around them that they are mortal, there is still time. I _have_ to believe that, because I am too prone to rushing, and to impatience.

There is time. Remember to breathe. And to listen to yourself. And be patient. Not just with those around you, but yourself, as well.