wispfox

I do not get enough cuddling in my life. Currently, it's basically only metahacker. jasra and I are working on it, on our end. The fact that I will tend to forget to be cuddly with people if I've not been doing enough cuddling does not help.

One of the best things about the wedding I just attended was feeling comfortable saying to a couple of women I had just met that I would like to be cuddling them. And then, we did so. One was more comfortable with cuddling than the other, I suspect due purely to experience with it. But. Cuddles. Cuddles with no purpose beyond simple touch.

Also, fabulous dog whose purpose in life is to be cuddly (literally, that's what she's being trained for). :)

I really, really miss contexts in which the cultural norm of 'touch must be sexual or at least have a sexual overtone' has been subverted. I mean, I don't tend to be cuddly with people if I'm not attracted to them somehow or another ("attracted" as in "drawn to" or "fascinated by" or "want to know better" - no specific goal beyond that), but it feels like a world of difference between "hey, you're nifty" and "My only purpose for touching you is because I want to get into your pants at the earliest possible opportunity". The attendees at this weekend's wedding, thankfully basically free of that cultural norm. So, I actually let hugs last as long as they would naturally do so. And didn't feel uncomfortable at random back massages as part of hugs (and indeed gave such as part of hugs myself). I am not trying to suggest that there was no interest, just that it wasn't the point of the touch.

I'm also _utterly_ delighted by the fact that, unlike usual, one of the women there was first to suggest the idea of trading contact information. It can get very, very tiring to always be the one asking for more interaction with interesting women, y'know? (I'm typically not as drawn to lengthen interactions with men, and the fact that I'm acutely aware of not dating any women appears to only have increased this trend more toward finding women more interesting) I think the last woman who was first to suggest more interactions (or perhaps mutual of said) after our first interaction was jasra. (and before that was the_xtina)

I can never tell if that's because they are shy to suggest more interaction, there is not sufficiently strong mutual fascination, or what. And I often feel like I come on too strong when I find someone fascinating, which rarely helps when interacting with a woman.

For me, expressing sympathy is almost entirely non-verbal.

It's in (hard-learned) body positioning, facial expression, _listening_. Touch, if appreciated, hugs, if appreciated.

Yes, there are listening noises made (yes, there's a word for them that I never, ever remember). But translating them to text makes it very hard (for me! Perhaps for the other person as well, but if I can't tell, it's problematic) to tell if they are 'actively listening' or 'distracted but not completely gone', especially in semi-real-time interactions. Especially if I _am_ distracted!

I have trouble with verbal sentiments of sympathy, although I reluctantly do them if social etiquette requires (presuming I know that it does).

I also lose the signals that I clearly _do_ sometimes pick up on in-person that something is about sympathy and not about solutions.

I very much suffer from Geek Answer Symdrome, and I've very much trained myself away from that as much as I can. But if I'm distracted? Or in a text interaction? Or at a job which _is_ mostly solutions and not sympathy? Far more likely to try to fix than to listen, partly because there's not enough to listen _to_ in text.

I wonder if this is part of why being on call for a hotline was so hard on me; I did not _have_ in-person signals to give or receive, in addition to having trouble effectively always having to be able to answer a phone at any time for multiple hours at a time. I could _do_ it... but it by no means played to my strengths. I did at least have tone of voice and such, and used them, but... it was hard.

*shakes head* Brains. They confuse me. Also, mine is being eaten by moving and also by needing to interview someone tomorrow. Nervous!!!!

Sometimes I wonder if it's apparent to other people just how much effort I've put into understanding other people. Not so much now, as I've managed to get it mostly automatic (mostly).

( I ramble )