wispfox

There is a post bubbling away beneath the surface of my thoughts which may or may not manage to come out in this post, as a result of the combination of metahacker's post on cuddling and affection with friends-who-are-not-necessarily-lovers, and figmentj's post on dating when not seen as an audition.

It took me a very long time to understand that, for most people, and in the context of typical societal norms, cuddling was assumed to be sexual. Touch at all - beyond a handshake - was assumed to be an expression of sexual interest.

An additional difficulty with wrapping my head around this concept is that my line between finding someone interesting and wanting to seek them out and spend more time with them, and being sexually attracted to them is very thin. And, people who I find interesting enough to actively seek out are people I would like to cuddle, and there is probably at least some amount of sexual attraction there. It's not quite true that everyone that I'm close to and seek out and am cuddly with is also someone that I have some sexual attraction to, but it's very close.

But having that attraction does not mean that I - or they - have time, energy, sufficient levels of attraction, or even necessarily are aware of it. So, for me, cuddling is _not_ automatically a sexual thing - and has never been - and the idea of there always being a sexual aspect to touch and cuddling is a hard one for me to grasp. However, it does seem true that, at some level at least, whatever nebulous concepts sexual attraction contains is frequently involved in whose touch I seek out.

Also in whose touch I am not comfortable with. If there is any level of sexual content in cuddling for another person and I am not interested in going there, I will not be comfortable cuddling them. This does not even need to mean that they are aware of said context, so I am not entirely sure how I can tell, sometimes. If I can't tell, I will tend to err on the side of caution, so if I can't read a person, I will generally not touch them. Too much cultural baggage tied up in touch, especially cross-gender. This was a very, very hard-learned lesson.

The frsutrating part about this, though, is that I do still find myself hugging people, sometimes, because the social costs of not doing so are more than I can handle right now. This frustrates me when I do it, and is usually a good sign I'm not actually up to group social interactions.

So many things meant by 'attraction', even 'sexual attraction'. So much tangled up in that concept, and the related concepts of the process of sexual entanglement and dating.

Why does [edited to add: anyone believe that] it need[s] to be true that touch and cuddling are completely unrelated to attraction in order for them to be non-sexual? Attraction may often, and possibly usually, contain sexual desire, but that isn't the only thing in there. That isn't the only possible context for touch between adults! Including adults who _are_ sexually involved with each other.

I actually did not think there _were_ squeezable foods (I thought of Astronaut food, but after I posted).

But y'all have come up with the most fascinating links!

And while squeezy yogurt had me initially very tentative, now I want to get some and put them in the freezer to make yogurt pops. :)

I'm still not sure why I don't think spreads are 'food', even though, say, peanut butter is a spread, and is very definitely food.

But ketchup and mustard and mayonnaise? Not food.

Clearly I need more investigation of what is 'food'. :)

Why does Paperbackswap.com hate me today? Damn them. I want to give away/order more books!

Birthday parties are good. Even if it was too warm for me to remain in my formal clothing, I was still wearing fun clothing. And giggling like a loon continues (as per the trend with the_xtina) to make kissing cute girls somewhat difficult. But, I now have some immunity to the anti-kissing power of giggling! (even if I did then proceed to get very punchy as the night wore on! There were no announcements of my having toes; clearly I was still reasonably functional)

Also, happy birthday ifuonlyknew today, and jasra tomorrow!

I have unfamiliar brains to poke and prod! This is a good thing. (familiar ones continue to be good things to have around to play with, mind. Hell, assuming it's not irritating me, my _own_ continues to be fun to poke at)

I think I have finally been given a reason that I cannot avoid calling myself a geek which is less vague than being interested in everything (interest in everything is too damn general to be a geek thing). My fascination with people's brains/minds/psyches would, I think, be sufficiently strong to be a geek thing. Heh. I am an insufficiently well-educated geek of the mind, but what with my next schooling goals, that will not remain true! (of course, the more I know, the more there is to know, so I will likely continue to think I'm insufficiently well-educated about my fascination)

Mew!

Skills assessment to be sent in on July 21st, Perm Visa to send application for in Sept, and various other things related to get done with appropriate timing makes for a very full brain.

So does having something new, interesting, but confusing to learn and then write a test plan for at work.

But my wrists still continue to allow for strength work while working a full-time week, as long as I'm not stupid and do too much over a weekend (even having done that a couple weekends ago, I still stayed out of flare). So wrists are hopeful. But they make it a lot harder for me to visit people, and to get to work when people go on vacation. And to keep in touch with people. But hopeful. :)

And I get to see a psychiatrist on Monday to see about being allowed to use the only meds which have actually helped me sleep (I will still have some nights when I can't, but nothing like without them) _every_ night, instead of every other.

ETA: headache of multiple days appears to have been congestion, FWIW, but also may have been related to sleeping poorly. Annoying.

I have nifty friends. And my apartment has been thoroughly warmed.

Sleepy, though. Woke up every ~2 hours last night, for some reason.

Yay, nifty people!

So... I just found out that my longest term friend nearly died last week, due to a nasty allergic reaction to (probably) a plant she brushed against while hiking in woods while visiting SF. I found out because I was calling to determine if I was visiting them or if (preferred) they were visiting me, on the 13th.

I have to wonder if anyone would have thought to tell me, if she hadn't survived.

Which of course, brings me to the thought that it's rather depressing that my emergency contact is still my parents.

Yeah.

[edit: As I would like to stop confusing people with my minimal reaction, I point at the 'nearly' and the 'if she hadn't survived' parts, above.]

I like an awful lot of people. I begin to think that might be 'too many', at least based on my current (past few years) social needs and tendencies.

I find myself saying that I have mild interest[1] in lots of people, but there are very few people I have strong interest in. In every single case of strong interest, there has been a fair amount of in-person interaction over a fairly brief period of time.

This appears to be necessary to remain real in my head, and also appears necessary to be anything more than someone I would eventually like to get to know better. This is especially important when it's wintertime and I'm mostly not social, because I tend to not think to ping people who have lost reality in my head. It is not, however (as is probably obvious), sufficient for strong interest creation. 'Lots of time' != 'someone I am drawn to spending time with'.

I note this most especially with local people, possibly because it's easier to meet local people. And possibly because non-local means I tend to spend longer periods of time with people when in the same location, and I have to pick and choose _who_ to spend time with more carefully.

I think I may need to take a good look at who I actively want to spend time with, as well as who I seem to have an insufficiently strong pull toward to want to see them in non-group contexts. Of course, I appear to be less and less interested in group activities as time passes. Gotta wonder how much of this is due to being insufficiently careful about who I see in non-group activities... Starting to think that people who I'm neutral on would be better in the 'people I see in groups' category, rather than the 'sure, I'll hang out if asked' category, so as to lose less energy in individual interactions, and have more available for groups.

It is so very annoying being simultaneously extro- and introverted. Because half of me is like 'but! Nifty, interesting people!', and the other is like 'ok, too many people. Most of whom I have little draw toward'. Bah.

I do have to wonder how much of this relates to my difficulty with social interaction in the winter, where it's much more useful for people to visit me. So visiting me, even if someone isn't likely to be terribly useful for me in a low energy state, is still better than nothing...

Bah. I think on this for a while. So very strange to need to adjust to current state of socialness; I never used to know this many nifty people, so I didn't really _need_ to pick and choose so much. So my habits aren't really there yet.

[1] In this particular case, as I tend to need friendship before any other kind of interest, I'm mostly referring to a sufficiently strong interest in a friendship with someone to actively pursue one.


edit: I appear to have forgotten to make an important point. I _do_ still intend to seek out people whose 'do they draw me?' status is not known, especially if I've never met them or spent enough time directly interacting with them. Drawing me appears to be _entirely_ in-person interaction based, although online interaction will help with initial difficulty noticing/remembering people. I also intend to seek out people who are in the 'possibly draw me' category, where I don't yet _know_.

(actually, people who are entirely unknown will continue to be relatively infrequent for intentional one-on-one interaction, as they are highest energy requirement; and mostly during non-winter times. People who are potentially drawing for me will be a bit less infrequent)

My love for you is komodo dragon love, by cadhla

The word 'need' implies vital for one's survival, to me. The word 'want' implies that it'd be nice, but one would be ok either way.

I want a word to describe the difference in experience between simply surviving, and thriving. The difference between something to feed my physical self, and those things which feed my spirit. I can't think of things which help me thrive, which feed my spirit, as simply 'wants'. But, technically, neither are they needs. So what _are_ they?

I certainly run into them often enough, especially in the wintertime. So a word would be nice...

What word would one use to describe those people in one's life from whom one derives nurishment, who encourage one to grow, to discover, to improve, to learn, to become more one's self? With whom conversations are not only pleasant, but a delight, a source of joy, and something sorely missed when they are gone?

No, I don't _need_ anyone. That's not a burden I ever want to put onto another person, if I have any choice in the matter. Largely, I'm sure, because it's not a burden I _want_ - it's enough effort to take care of myself and my own physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.

But... there are certainly people in my life for whom their presense, the ability to talk to them, are more than simply 'wants'. Some of these can be described as friendships, some of them are deeper than that. But I want a word to describe their importance in my life without implying that I cannot survive without them. I _can_, just not happily. And not as well. For, without them, I am missing whatever nurishment they were giving me.

There is a word missing for this concept, and I want it! (yes, I _did_ have this verbalize itself on the way home tonight, and while I was writing this. Can anyone tell? :)