wispfox

As many others on my f-list have reminded me, it's National Coming Out Day today. [edit: was yesterday!]

I tend to fail miserably at being not Out, so the probability of anyone reading this _not_ knowing the ways in which I could need to come out is low. Nonetheless, I shall explain.

It was not until I was pointed to a bisexual women's email list in college that I first really comprehended what bisexuality meant. Until that point, the concept that there were other options besides gay and straight simply did not exist in my worldview. Considering that for as long as I have been attracted to anyone, I have been attracted to both men and women - although I did not realize what was going on with the women for the longest time - you might begin to imagine the confusion and distress this fact caused. I thought I had to choose. Except that I _couldn't_. I tried being straight, I tried being gay. Neither one fit at all well; falling off at inopportune times, constricting, and just plain Wrong.

And although it was true that I was acting polyamorous at various points in my life (I had a couple of guys suggest dating them both when I could not decide, quite early in my dating life), I thought I had to choose there, too. And, as with trying to be monosexual, I kept failing. I would get antsy and unhappy after about a year, even in cases where there was not anyone else that I was interested in. It's not really dating multiple people that is the important part, although it's important. It's that I don't have to pretend that I'm not interested in/fascinated by other people. It's that I can talk about it, and if there is mutual interest and compatibility, it's a feasible option. Just as I'm bisexual regardless of the gender(s) of the people who I am or am not dating, I'm poly when I'm not dating anyone and when I'm dating one person, as well as when I'm dating more than one person. As with bisexuality, it was an online medium in which I first really understood the concept and could make it my own; in this case, a newsgroup.

I love and am attracted to men, I love and am attracted to women. Personality matters the most, but perhaps unlike some bisexuals, I will also miss physical intimacy with women when I am not dating any. I suspect the same is true with men if I were not dating them while I was dating women, but my relationships with women have not... tended to be long lasting ones. I do also seem to have a certain amount of cyclic gender desires which may make me notice the lack of one or the other more strongly (I do realize that there are more than two genders; since the physical characteristics of the person is what matters to me after personality, I'm not really entirely sure how that ties into my attraction patterns. Perhaps especially since I tend strongly toward some degree of androgyny in my physical attractions).

I love and am attracted to multiple people at the same time. I get very unhappy if I try to behave in ways that do not take this fact into account, and have not even tried in 7 years. I do not ever intend to get into any relationships that would only work in that manner, even were there not existing relationships to make that impossible. It is not part of who I am to be monogamous.

There is a post bubbling away beneath the surface of my thoughts which may or may not manage to come out in this post, as a result of the combination of metahacker's post on cuddling and affection with friends-who-are-not-necessarily-lovers, and figmentj's post on dating when not seen as an audition.

It took me a very long time to understand that, for most people, and in the context of typical societal norms, cuddling was assumed to be sexual. Touch at all - beyond a handshake - was assumed to be an expression of sexual interest.

An additional difficulty with wrapping my head around this concept is that my line between finding someone interesting and wanting to seek them out and spend more time with them, and being sexually attracted to them is very thin. And, people who I find interesting enough to actively seek out are people I would like to cuddle, and there is probably at least some amount of sexual attraction there. It's not quite true that everyone that I'm close to and seek out and am cuddly with is also someone that I have some sexual attraction to, but it's very close.

But having that attraction does not mean that I - or they - have time, energy, sufficient levels of attraction, or even necessarily are aware of it. So, for me, cuddling is _not_ automatically a sexual thing - and has never been - and the idea of there always being a sexual aspect to touch and cuddling is a hard one for me to grasp. However, it does seem true that, at some level at least, whatever nebulous concepts sexual attraction contains is frequently involved in whose touch I seek out.

Also in whose touch I am not comfortable with. If there is any level of sexual content in cuddling for another person and I am not interested in going there, I will not be comfortable cuddling them. This does not even need to mean that they are aware of said context, so I am not entirely sure how I can tell, sometimes. If I can't tell, I will tend to err on the side of caution, so if I can't read a person, I will generally not touch them. Too much cultural baggage tied up in touch, especially cross-gender. This was a very, very hard-learned lesson.

The frsutrating part about this, though, is that I do still find myself hugging people, sometimes, because the social costs of not doing so are more than I can handle right now. This frustrates me when I do it, and is usually a good sign I'm not actually up to group social interactions.

So many things meant by 'attraction', even 'sexual attraction'. So much tangled up in that concept, and the related concepts of the process of sexual entanglement and dating.

Why does [edited to add: anyone believe that] it need[s] to be true that touch and cuddling are completely unrelated to attraction in order for them to be non-sexual? Attraction may often, and possibly usually, contain sexual desire, but that isn't the only thing in there. That isn't the only possible context for touch between adults! Including adults who _are_ sexually involved with each other.

There were many days in the White Mountains with metahacker.

There were stars, many many stars. And we never even went anywhere specific to go look at them.

There was walking in woods and mountains and rivers and mushrooms of various and unexpected colors and shapes. There were rocks for crossing wet places, for sitting on, for petting, for having pet rocks, and for being pets of rocks.

There was cuddling. A whole lot of cuddling. Also, cuddling.

There were conversations about bears and moose, but no actual sightings by the two of us of either one.

There was a gradual increase in ability to deal with walking in places with uphillness.

There was a cold with a fever that came and went.

There was conversation, chatting, silliness, and connecting.

There was a room that could have been better in various ways, but which was still a good room for being a room in which there was much time spent with metahacker.

There was a hot tub that I never got around to using. There were various very friendly owners and workers at the Bed & Breakfast we stayed at. There are wee pretty paintings, and postcards that failed to be sent while we were actually there.

There was grumpy, there was tired, but there was also a deep low level joy at being in mountains with trees and green and quiet.

There was remembering that mountains and hills are a rightness for me, in ways that flatness is not. And also remembering that places that tend to have them also tend to not have much to do in the evening.

There was much passing of various towns I've lived in or near, remembering when Concord, NH was a big city to me (Boston used to terrify me; Manhattan still does, although less so), seeing various towns that I think my high school used to have sports games at.

There were times when there was too much moving and I needed to just sit for a while and talk to the mountains and trees and grass. There were many more times when I just knew where I was, and was glad.

There was a fire, marshmallows, and small, hyper children. There was very little reading, and no internet access (or indeed, a computer, for me).

There was beauty. There was simplicity. There was quiet. There was time away with metahacker. And it was indeed good. I really needed that, for the time away, for the nature, for the time with metahacker.

There are pictures, which I may get around to posting some of.

Spinning.
Climbing things.
Birds in flight.
Music.
Swings.
Nature shows, with as little narration as possible.
Trees.
Aquatic environments.
Being squished.
Tight spaces.
Touch.
People, specifically and generally.
Wind so strong it might help me fly.
Stars.
The sound of wind through trees.
Ohm chanting.
Tibetan singing bowls.
Bells.
Chimes.
Touch.
Scent of recently cut grass.
Scent in general.
Diving into waves.
Swimming.
The silence and weight of lying at the bottom of a pool.
Being high in a tree, looking at everything around me.
Newness with underlying stability/certainty/home.
That moment of interacting with an animal which decides that maybe, just maybe, I'm ok.
Being trusted.
Those fleeting moments when I am graceful.
Grace in other people.
Purring kitty under my hand.
Startling people into smiling or outright laughter.
Knowing people I love are thinking of me.
Open, honest vulnerability.
Finding out why.