wispfox

I have an essay with edits to review, which needs fewer words than it has and I would like to submit with the application next week before Thanksgiving. I also have a lot of tired. An awful lot.

As an example of the tired, it's taken me until today to actually get around to mentioning that metahacker and I have been dating 2 years last Sunday. And I've been living with him, galaneia, and hfcougar for 7 months.

It feels longer, it feels shorter, it feels not long enough. We're learning how to share living space, to remember to check in and see how things are, both of us, the three of us, the whole household. I keep being perplexed that I did not know him, or him and galaneia, or galaneia when past occurrences are referenced. I am startled when I see and fail to recognize pictures of him with beard, and only figure it out because galaneia is in the picture as well.

It bemuses me when I take a look at that part of me which is no good at settling, which needs things to be not just good enough, but _good_, and it's calm. I don't know what to do with that, really, and one some level it kind of scares me. I'm not used to it being quiet when it's not only because I'm too depressed to hear it. But I don't think that is why. I still want to travel, _ache_ to travel, and explore. I'm just not being driven to find where I fit anymore.

There's absolutely stutters and complications around getting to know people and figuring out living space and such. There's periodic reminders where I remember that I _haven't_ known either metahacker or galaneia that long, and need to add in new information to adjust my default expectations & behaviors appropriately. And we do all periodically step on each other's tomato patches [1] (often at the same time) and need to recover from that. This is part of being human, really. And living together and being close and caring about people.

I don't have enough words to put around and with how, why, and how much I love metahacker. Nor how much of a delight it is to continue to get to know galaneia better and to count her among my close friends. All I can say is that both statements are true, and important.

[1] From alt.polyamory, a phrase I like much better than stepping in people's mental mine fields. This is probably a decent sample of why I find it a useful metaphor.

As many others on my f-list have reminded me, it's National Coming Out Day today. [edit: was yesterday!]

I tend to fail miserably at being not Out, so the probability of anyone reading this _not_ knowing the ways in which I could need to come out is low. Nonetheless, I shall explain.

It was not until I was pointed to a bisexual women's email list in college that I first really comprehended what bisexuality meant. Until that point, the concept that there were other options besides gay and straight simply did not exist in my worldview. Considering that for as long as I have been attracted to anyone, I have been attracted to both men and women - although I did not realize what was going on with the women for the longest time - you might begin to imagine the confusion and distress this fact caused. I thought I had to choose. Except that I _couldn't_. I tried being straight, I tried being gay. Neither one fit at all well; falling off at inopportune times, constricting, and just plain Wrong.

And although it was true that I was acting polyamorous at various points in my life (I had a couple of guys suggest dating them both when I could not decide, quite early in my dating life), I thought I had to choose there, too. And, as with trying to be monosexual, I kept failing. I would get antsy and unhappy after about a year, even in cases where there was not anyone else that I was interested in. It's not really dating multiple people that is the important part, although it's important. It's that I don't have to pretend that I'm not interested in/fascinated by other people. It's that I can talk about it, and if there is mutual interest and compatibility, it's a feasible option. Just as I'm bisexual regardless of the gender(s) of the people who I am or am not dating, I'm poly when I'm not dating anyone and when I'm dating one person, as well as when I'm dating more than one person. As with bisexuality, it was an online medium in which I first really understood the concept and could make it my own; in this case, a newsgroup.

I love and am attracted to men, I love and am attracted to women. Personality matters the most, but perhaps unlike some bisexuals, I will also miss physical intimacy with women when I am not dating any. I suspect the same is true with men if I were not dating them while I was dating women, but my relationships with women have not... tended to be long lasting ones. I do also seem to have a certain amount of cyclic gender desires which may make me notice the lack of one or the other more strongly (I do realize that there are more than two genders; since the physical characteristics of the person is what matters to me after personality, I'm not really entirely sure how that ties into my attraction patterns. Perhaps especially since I tend strongly toward some degree of androgyny in my physical attractions).

I love and am attracted to multiple people at the same time. I get very unhappy if I try to behave in ways that do not take this fact into account, and have not even tried in 7 years. I do not ever intend to get into any relationships that would only work in that manner, even were there not existing relationships to make that impossible. It is not part of who I am to be monogamous.

There is a post bubbling away beneath the surface of my thoughts which may or may not manage to come out in this post, as a result of the combination of metahacker's post on cuddling and affection with friends-who-are-not-necessarily-lovers, and figmentj's post on dating when not seen as an audition.

It took me a very long time to understand that, for most people, and in the context of typical societal norms, cuddling was assumed to be sexual. Touch at all - beyond a handshake - was assumed to be an expression of sexual interest.

An additional difficulty with wrapping my head around this concept is that my line between finding someone interesting and wanting to seek them out and spend more time with them, and being sexually attracted to them is very thin. And, people who I find interesting enough to actively seek out are people I would like to cuddle, and there is probably at least some amount of sexual attraction there. It's not quite true that everyone that I'm close to and seek out and am cuddly with is also someone that I have some sexual attraction to, but it's very close.

But having that attraction does not mean that I - or they - have time, energy, sufficient levels of attraction, or even necessarily are aware of it. So, for me, cuddling is _not_ automatically a sexual thing - and has never been - and the idea of there always being a sexual aspect to touch and cuddling is a hard one for me to grasp. However, it does seem true that, at some level at least, whatever nebulous concepts sexual attraction contains is frequently involved in whose touch I seek out.

Also in whose touch I am not comfortable with. If there is any level of sexual content in cuddling for another person and I am not interested in going there, I will not be comfortable cuddling them. This does not even need to mean that they are aware of said context, so I am not entirely sure how I can tell, sometimes. If I can't tell, I will tend to err on the side of caution, so if I can't read a person, I will generally not touch them. Too much cultural baggage tied up in touch, especially cross-gender. This was a very, very hard-learned lesson.

The frsutrating part about this, though, is that I do still find myself hugging people, sometimes, because the social costs of not doing so are more than I can handle right now. This frustrates me when I do it, and is usually a good sign I'm not actually up to group social interactions.

So many things meant by 'attraction', even 'sexual attraction'. So much tangled up in that concept, and the related concepts of the process of sexual entanglement and dating.

Why does [edited to add: anyone believe that] it need[s] to be true that touch and cuddling are completely unrelated to attraction in order for them to be non-sexual? Attraction may often, and possibly usually, contain sexual desire, but that isn't the only thing in there. That isn't the only possible context for touch between adults! Including adults who _are_ sexually involved with each other.

In case anyone was unclear, I did in fact miss metahacker. A rather lot.

Additionally, I continue to be fond of my weighted blanket and the corresponding improvement in sleep. Even if I'm not completely convinced it's heavy enough.

Because I got a really startling answer recently when I asked this question, it's now a poll! (no cheating and checking my user info)

Answers viewable to none, because otherwise I'd have to tell people I'm dating not to answer.

[Poll #1053733]

Hmm. Ignore the 'don't care' piece of the multiple answer one, since it doesn't quite fit with the rest of them.

Y'know, I think it may not just be that I am lower social than normal (although I still think I am, a bit), and may actually be that most of the things I tried to drop in on for social groups got bigger than I can handle. Diesel socials are the example I can most easily come up with.

And, the fact that there is no longer a poly boston discussion group (which I unfortunately cannot sanely host, or I'd try) probably also factors in; those tended to be smaller, and involve purpose and intentionally interesting conversations. Of course, I don't know how interesting I would find most general purpose poly discussion groups at this point, since that is much of why I don't read alt.poly much anymore...

Mostly, I think I'm just antsy/bored right now because I thought (ok, hoped, since it was uncertain) that I'd have a roommate tonight. But movers and schedule delays means tomorrow. So there are no people, and I thought there would be.

Certainly, part of it is lack of roommate. Funny how having roommates makes me more social, generally. Well, presuming they are people I actively want as roommates... I have _no_ idea what I'm going to do when this soon-to-be-roommate moves out (as expected, in 6 months). Most of the people I want to live with don't want to live this far out! Ah, well. Deal with that when I get to it, I guess.

Meh.

Funny how it was cold (I had a sweater on) this morning, and now I'm hot/sticky/humid. Ah, September... ;)

Link from mactavish (whose username I appear to finally be able to remember how to spell without checking every time!), about poly and poly connections. And about the value of _NOT_ doing "don't ask don't tell" poly, completely ignoring the danger of insufficient communication inherent in such.

I like. And I agree with it.

And now I get offline and go home and call brynndragon for spontaneous visiting purposes. *glee* (many good one-on-one interactions of late! Yay, being social and nifty people!)

Someone I read is writing about poly life lessons, and it's starting to ping my brain to write something similar. Except I don't seem to be able to figure out life lessons that are specifically _poly_, in my head. Which is sorta confusing, really. Relationship-specific, yes. But poly? Hmm. Might be because being poly is so strongly part of who I am. (which is funny, considering how hard I tried to be monogamous, most of my life. Poorly, I might add.) (yes, I also _talk_ in parentheticals)

Let me see...

( In random order )

Next, in the 'what strange things will I babble about today' category, we have a bit of a discussion I had recently on one of my entirely too many email lists.

( genetics vs upbringing and poly )