[brains.stressors]

[wispfox]

This is me letting stuff out. This is _NOT_ fucking aimed at anyone. Anyone who thinks it is aimed at them obviously doesn't know me.


Sometimes Psinging has way too many depressing songs.

Sometimes, it's really, really hard to go home alone. To a home with no other people in it. To a cat who I can't look at without worry creeping in.

Sometimes, it's hard to ignore the fact that I'm very, very tired of working in IT. And I have to finish paying off my loans. And save up for school and moving and wandering the US. Starting to think that the year wandering the US isn't worth the amount of time it'll take me to save up for it. But at the same time, I'll need a break between work and school. And I really _want_ to see lots of snippets of my country. Well, when the amount of time it'll take to get to that point isn't beating me upside the head.

And sometimes I wonder if my cat will be around for me to need to try to figure out how to bring him along with me on my country wanderings. *sigh* I sometimes wonder if I might have been better off waiting until I was actually intending to settle somewhere before I got a cat. But at the same time... I _know_ he's helped me with winters. And I love my kitty. I certainly can't get another cat after him until I settle somewhere, though. If I ever settle somewhere.

Sometimes it's really hard to juggle the fact that I need to no longer be working in IT, but I need to stay another 2-3 years for loans and post-IT reasons. Completely ignoring the fact that being at the same job full-time for almost two years is making me really, really itchy (and I _don't_ like what that portends for my future employment! I never thought I would be _glad_ to have been working for startups that went away, before).

And I intend to go to Australia in Feb, which will be money I'm not spending on loans or saving up.

And I want to know what the _fuck_ the abdominal mass in my cat is made of, but the pure surgical removal method isn't really a safe option because of his heart disease, completely ignoring the fact that it's fucking expensive. And the sonogram might not give enough information (which is being done a week from next Weds). And neither might the somewhat less fucking expensive aspirate (which also has some risk due to heart disease, but less), which I'll be doing if the sonogram isn't helpful. My cat is (or perhaps I am, for potential peace of mind reasons) lucky that I can afford to do all of this, but at the same time, the more I spend on him, on things that might not be able to tell me anything, the longer I stay in a field I no longer like. I hope I learn the mass is benign. I hope I learn _something_.

I really wonder how much of my low social energy is stress, since the time of year shouldn't really be as much of a problem by now. And how much the time I'm spending playing computer games is trying to avoid thinking about my stressors.

And sometimes, I wonder what the fuck I was thinking, having a partner on the other fucking side of the world without also having a partner at least vaguely local to me.

Sometimes I am reminded of my mother having lost her father recently, and the immense pain she was in the last time I was near her. And on one hand, I am pulled to go visit. On the other, I'm afraid. Afraid I don't have enough energy to do the kind of listening/healing/comforting/supporting that is the _reason_ I want to go visit. Afraid because I've always tended to have difficulty shielding myself from her pain. But pulled. I really should call them. It won't be until next month, anyway, because my weekends this month are booked.

I hate having broken down in tears in front of the vet a week ago this past Tuesday, when confronted with the initial shock of Ash's abdominal mass. And that I literally couldn't manage to get myself and Ash _home_ before breaking down again. I hate that in that kind of a state, phones are basically useless for me. I hate just how much I need people with me in certain situations, but how difficult it is to be someone I would think of to ask, and how difficult it is for me to actually _do_ the asking. I hate that I was alone that night.

I hate that I feel trapped. Trapped by needing to pay off loans and save up money. Trapped by wanting/needing to spend not insignificant amounts of money to figure out what is wrong with my cat. Trapped by knowing that there will be a point at which I will have to chose to stop spending that money, based on knowing his heart condition and his age and probable risks vs. gains of potential actions. And on having to decide between spending money on things which may not help vs. not spending it and being that much closer to moving on to different things in life than my current ones.

I hate this. *Wry* One thing's for damn sure - I'm only having my 'no kids for me!' thing reinforced by all this. Even if I didn't already have reasons for thinking I'd be a terrible mother, this would be another huge one. I don't deal with feeling trapped well, and kids _would_ cause that feeling in me.

*sigh* Sleep now. Yes.

Comments

[aquaeri.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* if you want them.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

*smile* Nearly always, I want hugs. Thank you. (If I don't want hugs, I probably don't want people near me at all)

[rosefox]

I'm sorry you're feeling so sad and lonely right now. I hope Joe's visit is really, really good for you both. And if you need more of his US-time, let me know... reducing three weeks to two and a half isn't such a big deal for us (well, he might disagree on this right now, but I really think that by the time he's been here that long a few days won't make much difference), and it sounds like expanding a week to a week and a half might be a very big deal for you, and I want him to be able to be there for you those days if it would be useful. I haven't discussed this with himself, I should note, and he may overrule me, but if you're still this unhappy when he's in New York and he's spending a lot of time being fussy and fidgety about wanting to go up and be there for you but not wanting to cut our time short, I may overrule him and send him north. *) I hope, both selfishly and altruistically, that you're doing better by then, of course. But if not, the offer's there at least on my part. I guess I'm just letting you know that if you find yourself wanting to ask for it--and I trust your judgment on when to do that--but are holding back because you don't want to upset/annoy/bother me or something like that, please do ask, it's more than okay.

I wish I could do more, but I can at least do that much.

I hope you find all the right sorts of company, including the sort you work for, and that your cat's unwellness is easily and cheaply diagnosable and fixable.

[australian-joe.livejournal.com]

I'm *really* touched you made this offer.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

*smile* Offer very much appreciated and it's utterly sweet of you to offer (one can tell how strange I am emotionally based on the fact that - since learning about Ash's abdominal thing, I've been _way_ too easily brought to tears - and this offer had that effect. Both when I read it today, and when Joe mentioned it during our call last night).

I don't have any idea if I will want to take you up on it or not; additional days are - rationally - probably not going to make a huge difference, when they will be weekdays. I will let you know if I change my mind on this.

I am unsure that I will be better about this, excepting possibly better about ignoring it and/or having found a way to let some of it _out_, as the major part of it - that of feeling trapped, which leads to frustration, which leads to being depressed about it - is not new. It's just gradually getting more insistant (as expected). And the cat stuff appears to have been just enough to make me no longer able to successfully ignore it, as it's both worry for my cat and a delay for being able to leave this particular field of work.

But. Again, thank you.

[jasra]

more *hugs* from me, who is definitely being too far away. I wish I could help somehow. If you think of anything, let me know. Please.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Helping: if you can figure out a way for me to let all this emotional stuff _out_, so that I stop being so on edge and far too easily emotional, _that_ would probably be the only thing anyone can really help with.

(well, other than having people around when I want them, but that's rather difficult to do when one doesn't live with me. :)

[jasra]

You are always welcome to message or call me. Or email. Whatever medium works best for you (I'm not much of a phone person but I do use it sometimes). I will always listen.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Yeah...

I don't think talking is what I need to do. But thank you.

(also, non-local conversations are rarely my preference for when I'm in distress)

[australian-joe.livejournal.com]

Ah, I hadn't seen this when I floated the idea of canceling phone call tomorrow if I'm still sick. I think I call you unless it's going to make me clearly worse to do so. ("No, don't wheel me into ICU, I have to make a phone call...")

Don't know entirely what else to say. Yeah.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

("No, don't wheel me into ICU, I have to make a phone call...")

*laugh* I can't decide if I can see you saying that or not. ;)

[australian-joe.livejournal.com]

You're quite right to be skeptical.

I'd be saying "... let me check my email first, and then LJ, and then the Sybase area on Expert's Exchange, and ..."

[ian-gunn.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* I wish I could offer more comfort. I'm crossing my fingers for Ash.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[ladytabitha.livejournal.com]

Yes.

(Interestingly, I sent you an email before having read this.)

*big ol' "I get all of this quite well" hogs and quiches*

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

*big ol' "I get all of this quite well" hogs and quiches*

*wry* Yeah, I know you do. Writing it - at least the feeling trapped part - reminded me of you. And of starandrea. Entirely too much similarity there...

[starandrea.livejournal.com]

I sat here reading your post and just whispering "Yeah" over and over to myself, so I am not surprised by this association ::comfort-snuggle:: I love you and your little kitty too. I'll see you (plural) soon :)

PS: Love and best wishes from my family also ::hugs::

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

*enjoys snuggles, and is excited to be seeing you soon*

[3smallishmagi.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Don't know your mom, but the way these things tend to work, you'll probably make a difference no matter how down you are.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Don't know your mom, but the way these things tend to work, you'll probably make a difference no matter how down you are.

Probably. But the question is whether or not I have enough energy to _get_ there, or to interact at all.

I've made plans to visit. We shall see.

[australian-joe.livejournal.com]

(Halfway home now, in Sydney).

I'm sorry I don't have better words - managing feeling ick taking most of my CPU.

But, well, ...

... no, I still don't seem to have good words.

I understand why you're feeling as you do. I'd feel pretty grim about a lot of it, too. Yes, the you-and-me-distance bit too.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

I understand why you're feeling as you do.

Ok, for some reason that was something I needed to hear.

I... think that at some level it's _hard_ for me to have so much of the reason for my being down be my job. Which isn't a bad job, and lots of people would like to have it.

And I really, really don't like the potential effect this could have on my ability to keep myself happily employed. And I don't know what I can do about this. *wry* I wonder if there are therapy consultants? ;)

[australian-joe.livejournal.com]

Based on this and many other things you've been saying recently (LJ, email, phone), I suspect more and more that your job moods & situation are a symptom, not a cause.

[ruth-lawrence.livejournal.com]

Owowow.

{{{hugs}}} if wnated.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Hugs are nearly always wanted, unless I don't want any people around me.

[elissaann.livejournal.com]

Lotsa stuff. I don't mind listening.

I didn't travel much for a couple of years when my Malka was sick. It's a hard choice.

I keep reading IT as a word. You know, it, the thing. But in capital letters, so that it's THAT AWFUL THING.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

I didn't travel much for a couple of years when my Malka was sick. It's a hard choice.

I'm far, far, far more ok with possibly not traveling. I'm _not_ really ok with having to stay even longer with a job that I am tired of, and tired of the whole damn _field_, and not just the specific job. It's already been a problem for my level of happiness with life, _before_ I had the potential delay of trying to figure out what's going on with Ash.

But, thank you for listening. (and now I'm amused by that interpretation of IT. ;)

[regyt.livejournal.com]

I hate that I can't be there with you so you don't have to go through these things alone.

And I hate that my student loans will come due around September or so, and that sense of feeling trapped is a lot of why I don't want kids, either, and why I hate scheduling regularly repeating events, &c., as we've discussed before. Ick. I can't offer a way out, but I can understand.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Wee! We can feel trapped together!

Wait.

That doesn't sound helpful!

But yes, with the understanding.

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

:( *is there, if wanted*

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Thanks...

[randysmith]

*hugs* I'm really, really sorry (sympathy, not apology). Please let me know if there's anything I can do. It wouldn't be hard to nudge the mix of songs @ psinging--ping me in email if you'd like to see about doing that. And remember singing _Magic_; at least, I hope it was good for you.

Completely ignoring the fact that being at the same job full-time for almost two years is making me really, really itchy (and I _don't_ like what that portends for my future employment! I never thought I would be _glad_ to have been working for startups that went away, before).

FWIW, this has been my pattern too. I start out eager, then after about two years get really frustrated, quit, and move on. I've been at my current job for a lot longer than that, but that's the exception, rather than the rule, and I think it has to do with the job. I expect I'll be back to my two year thing at my next job. It can be made to work.

*hugshugs*

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

wouldn't be hard to nudge the mix of songs @ psinging--ping me in email if you'd like to see about doing that. And remember singing _Magic_; at least, I hope it was good for you.

Shouldn't really be a huge thing. I'm just feeling rather emotionally unstable, due to everything I mentioned, but mostly due to feeling trapped. And yes, there were some cheery songs. Just not many.

It can be made to work.

Even if I don't stay in IT? I'm tired of the whole _field_ right now, not just my current job.

I'm hopeful that being a therapist after I get my next bit of education will help, because there might be enough variety. (that, or - as I'm terrified might happen - I'll start to hate something I currently love and am fascinated by)

[randysmith]

Even if I don't stay in IT? I'm tired of the whole _field_ right now, not just my current job.

I'm hopeful that being a therapist after I get my next bit of education will help, because there might be enough variety. (that, or - as I'm terrified might happen - I'll start to hate something I currently love and am fascinated by)

I wish I knew what to tell you, but I don't. These are hard questions.

I read an article recently abuot finding good careers that had a couple of interesting (and from my perspective, depressing, but you're in a different place) points, something like:
* It does matter which field you're in; there are fields that fit different people better and worse,
* People's opinions about which fields are right for them generally don't have a lot of correlation with reality.

The conclusion the article came to on that basis is that people should try out several different kinds of jobs when they're in their twenties; that strategy maximizes the chances of them finding a career that they like before they're (semi) trapped into a career by experience and salary differientials. You can see why it was semi-depressing to me--I've done programming (almost) all my life, and it's good but not really *right*. But you might want to think about doing something along those lines. Maybe volunteering for the Samaritans or similar organization? Getting involved in co-counseling?

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

...

I don't expect to stay in a single career throughout my life, even if I _do_ find something I love. I get too bored when doing one thing too easily.

I have no idea what co-counseling is.

I just looked up Samaritans online, and while it's an interesting idea, I don't have the emotional energy for it. I need time off before I can really start being useful as a support for much of anyone again. Is part of why the trip to .au will be good; I refuse to do work while I'm there.

[dancingwolfgrrl.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[psongster.livejournal.com]

Hugs ... I had no idea you were doing this poorly ... With spring so clearly in the air, and the sun returning, and your returning to psinging, I thought things were better than this ... but then, I didn't know about Ash, or the job-itchiness and trapped feeling, or that you were often returning home to an empty apartment at night ... and I would find all three of those hard to cope with (one of the reasons I don't have a cat...).

I wish I knew more how to help, or at least what to say. At the very least, we can try to lean psinging a little more against depressing songs ... you might well not be the only person who would appreciate that...

And I do hope things get better, or at least your mood gets better ...

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

I had no idea you were doing this poorly

That's because - except when things decide to refuse to be ignored - I'm _not_ doing this poorly. The job thing has been gradually getting more frustrating and difficult to ignore (especially when people keep making stupid choices which affect me), and then my cat started having all sorts of problems (although none affect him right _now_, except in that it's more dangerous for him to be anesthetized, which make it more difficult to deal with the mass). I think that was just the last straw for my ability to cope, because it's both worry for him and a delay for me escaping a field of work that I'm very tired of.

If I could just figure out how to let this emotional stuff _out_, I'd probably be a lot better. But it's been slowly building, and I can't figure out how to do more than let little bits of it out.

And, most people didn't know about the sum total of what this post contained; even those who knew all the pieces didn't, I don't think, realize the total effect. I don't _like_ complaining about things I can cope with. But it appears to have gotten beyond easy coping at this point, at least based on how emotional unstable I am.

And... I don't really think that Psinging's song mix really needs to change. It varies enough naturally; I think it was just that that was what made me no longer able to ignore the fact that I was trying to cope with too damn much all at once.

And thanks.

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

Perhaps a good crying session with appropriate comforting people around? I wish you had closer friends who could drop by for !empty house...

Coping is hard. And it's far too easy to pile on things.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Perhaps; I don't do a very good job of letting myself just cry, even when I want to. I don't know how to make myself do it freely and easily.

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

Emotional barriers? Know the feeling...

[lightgatherer.livejournal.com]

:( Meow? *hugs*

[windswept.livejournal.com]

I hope you slept well.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Not so much. Slept a _lot_, though. And was very carefully very laid back yesterday. Slept ok last night. And Tuesday I get to start investigations of a sleep study.

[yendi]

*hugs*

Wish I had some brilliant advice to add to those hugs.

[volta]

*hugs*

If you want a diversion, I do have Dragons on the TiVo...

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

If you want a diversion, I do have Dragons on the TiVo...

Point. And I've not seen you in a while. Should try to figure out time to visit. Don't have weekend time until next month; probably have some weeknight time. Shall try to remember to ping you about possible times.

[mawddwy.livejournal.com]

*hugs*