[gift, ceilings, and brains.expectations]
Feb. 9th, 2005 08:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wispfoxI have a fuzzy frog which will go with me to work for petability purposes, and two magnetic monkeys which will live on my fridge. *pleased*
Mopping a ceiling is an odd experience. But now my office ought to stop smelling of mold and mildew.
I dislike being reminded that I have a set of basic assumptions which can cause me significant problems if I'm in a compromised emotional or mental state (like this time of year). Especially considering the amount of work I've put into getting them to have less control over me and/or attempting to replace them with healthier expectations. They affect me far less (and with less frequency) than they used to, but every so often they feel the need to remind me that they are still around. Especially in February.
-I not only don't expect to be understood, but I expect to _not_ be understood - at least unless I put an _lot_ of effort into wording things. When I'm having major trouble with my thoughts into words and organizing them, this can be problematic. And can cause me to want to not try (and, depending on how good my communication with a person has been before this happens, can cause me to not try). (and means I can be really, really astonished when I _am_ understood) This probably relates, somehow, to my general expectation that I am different from everyone else, because if I were expecting everyone to be like me, I'd not need to put _nearly_ so many words around stuff (and, I note, I use far more short-cuts in spoken word, especially in-person). I think I might be ok if I just had no expectations about being understood or not, rather than expecting the negative.
-I expect to drive people away. By confusing them, by being too difficult to be around, by asking too much or being too needy, something. This... is especially insidious at a time of year when I don't _want_ people around a lot of the time. And I'm snappy and irritable. So people give me space. It's damnably difficult to convince myself, sometimes, that people are leaving me alone because I appear to (or even _said_ as much) want space, and therefore that much more difficult to get myself to re-initiate contact when I _do_ want interaction with people. It's way, way, way too easy for me to interpret lack of contact as lack of interest. Is why I'm relieved that more of the people I know are good at pinging me for hanging out purposes, or just to let me know they haven't forgotten about me while I was quiet and anti-social. Connection maintenance is really, really important for me, especially this time of year.
Huh. I thought there were more than two nasty things in my head, but they appear to condense into these two. Fascinating. I didn't realize that. Now if I could just figure out how to get them to stop coming back for a visit every year...
Mopping a ceiling is an odd experience. But now my office ought to stop smelling of mold and mildew.
I dislike being reminded that I have a set of basic assumptions which can cause me significant problems if I'm in a compromised emotional or mental state (like this time of year). Especially considering the amount of work I've put into getting them to have less control over me and/or attempting to replace them with healthier expectations. They affect me far less (and with less frequency) than they used to, but every so often they feel the need to remind me that they are still around. Especially in February.
-I not only don't expect to be understood, but I expect to _not_ be understood - at least unless I put an _lot_ of effort into wording things. When I'm having major trouble with my thoughts into words and organizing them, this can be problematic. And can cause me to want to not try (and, depending on how good my communication with a person has been before this happens, can cause me to not try). (and means I can be really, really astonished when I _am_ understood) This probably relates, somehow, to my general expectation that I am different from everyone else, because if I were expecting everyone to be like me, I'd not need to put _nearly_ so many words around stuff (and, I note, I use far more short-cuts in spoken word, especially in-person). I think I might be ok if I just had no expectations about being understood or not, rather than expecting the negative.
-I expect to drive people away. By confusing them, by being too difficult to be around, by asking too much or being too needy, something. This... is especially insidious at a time of year when I don't _want_ people around a lot of the time. And I'm snappy and irritable. So people give me space. It's damnably difficult to convince myself, sometimes, that people are leaving me alone because I appear to (or even _said_ as much) want space, and therefore that much more difficult to get myself to re-initiate contact when I _do_ want interaction with people. It's way, way, way too easy for me to interpret lack of contact as lack of interest. Is why I'm relieved that more of the people I know are good at pinging me for hanging out purposes, or just to let me know they haven't forgotten about me while I was quiet and anti-social. Connection maintenance is really, really important for me, especially this time of year.
Huh. I thought there were more than two nasty things in my head, but they appear to condense into these two. Fascinating. I didn't realize that. Now if I could just figure out how to get them to stop coming back for a visit every year...
