[gift, ceilings, and brains.expectations]

[wispfox]

I have a fuzzy frog which will go with me to work for petability purposes, and two magnetic monkeys which will live on my fridge. *pleased*

Mopping a ceiling is an odd experience. But now my office ought to stop smelling of mold and mildew.


I dislike being reminded that I have a set of basic assumptions which can cause me significant problems if I'm in a compromised emotional or mental state (like this time of year). Especially considering the amount of work I've put into getting them to have less control over me and/or attempting to replace them with healthier expectations. They affect me far less (and with less frequency) than they used to, but every so often they feel the need to remind me that they are still around. Especially in February.

-I not only don't expect to be understood, but I expect to _not_ be understood - at least unless I put an _lot_ of effort into wording things. When I'm having major trouble with my thoughts into words and organizing them, this can be problematic. And can cause me to want to not try (and, depending on how good my communication with a person has been before this happens, can cause me to not try). (and means I can be really, really astonished when I _am_ understood) This probably relates, somehow, to my general expectation that I am different from everyone else, because if I were expecting everyone to be like me, I'd not need to put _nearly_ so many words around stuff (and, I note, I use far more short-cuts in spoken word, especially in-person). I think I might be ok if I just had no expectations about being understood or not, rather than expecting the negative.

-I expect to drive people away. By confusing them, by being too difficult to be around, by asking too much or being too needy, something. This... is especially insidious at a time of year when I don't _want_ people around a lot of the time. And I'm snappy and irritable. So people give me space. It's damnably difficult to convince myself, sometimes, that people are leaving me alone because I appear to (or even _said_ as much) want space, and therefore that much more difficult to get myself to re-initiate contact when I _do_ want interaction with people. It's way, way, way too easy for me to interpret lack of contact as lack of interest. Is why I'm relieved that more of the people I know are good at pinging me for hanging out purposes, or just to let me know they haven't forgotten about me while I was quiet and anti-social. Connection maintenance is really, really important for me, especially this time of year.

Huh. I thought there were more than two nasty things in my head, but they appear to condense into these two. Fascinating. I didn't realize that. Now if I could just figure out how to get them to stop coming back for a visit every year...

Comments

[majes.livejournal.com]

(and, I note, I use far more short-cuts in spoken word, especially in-person).

I didn't know it before I'd spoken to you several times in person, but the degree that you communicate non-verbally is about three times as information dense as your verbal and written communications. There have been several times where after you have explained something to me, which made perfect sense, I couldn't recall the path of logic well enough to put it together again. I later figured out that this was because some of your points were made non-verbally which, while powerful in context, are difficult to remember later.

It's way, way, way too easy for me to interpret lack of contact as lack of interest.

Regarding me, lack of contact generally is more indicative of my shortage of time. You remain on my nifty list, which is why I keep coming up to visit. I've always assumed that if you wanted space that you'd tell me so. I'll continue to do so unless you advise me otherwise.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

(and, I note, I use far more short-cuts in spoken word, especially in-person).

I didn't know it before I'd spoken to you several times in person, but the degree that you communicate non-verbally is about three times as information dense as your verbal and written communications.

Only if I'm talking to people who appear to have an ability to pick up on what I'm trying to say before I manage to actually say it. Speaking is _much_ more effortful for me than writing, and correspondingly I tend to have more trouble saying things I want to say. Having people who generally figure out what I mean decreases this problem significantly, and tends to make people easier for me to be around.

Also, I don't think anyone ever said this to me in these particular words. This is useful for me to think about. Especially considering how much I say I don't rely on non-verbal I/O. I guess it's that I don't unless people demonstrate an ability to know what I mean and/or are demonstrably easy for me to understand (and you have half that, since I have trouble reading you).

More generally, _words_ are not my natural method of thought. So when non-verbal works - which it does not always, since it's learned - it's much more useful.

lack of contact generally is more indicative of my shortage of time.

Yeah. No, you're good at pinging me with sufficient frequency, actually. And yes, I do tend to tell people when I need space, presuming I notice it before I need it. It is a safe assumption.

[rosefox]

*ping*

I'm practically down the street now, y'know. *) Once ladytabitha and I work out a schedule for our visits, I'll let you know; hopefully you can come down with her sometime, or on your own, or I can see you when I'm up there. This offer does not expire. *)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

*is pinged*

I'm practically down the street now, y'know. *)

True! Although I'm not going to try to visit NYC and attempt to ignore my fear until a bit further out of the evil season. Perhaps late spring or summer. I note that there appears to be people I think are nifty collecting in NYC, so I totally need to work on being willing to visit there.

Once [info]ladytabitha and I work out a schedule for our visits, I'll let you know; hopefully you can come down with her sometime, or on your own, or I can see you when I'm up there.

Sounds good. Seeing you while you are here is the most likely, as it's by far the least stressful for me. Visiting when ladytabitha visits is perhaps next in the list, depending on if there is need to take time off work (I am trying to save vacation time for visiting .au, so...). Visiting you on my own is fairly high on my priority list because I want to get over the intense NYC-related fear, but is going to be very much the most stressful.

Also, I note that people who are not near me are far less likely to have me decide lack of contact means lack of interest, since visiting will just happen less in those cases. The only exception to this is people I'm very emotionally entangled with, as in that case all emotional and fear related stuff gets magnified due to the greater degree of vulnerability which goes along with strong emotional attachments for me.

This offer does not expire. *)

Noted, although I'm not actually sure that this knowledge can help much should I actually get into a stupid state about it.

[water-childe.livejournal.com]

I've recently come to terms with this myself.
I also make these basic assumptions. I expect not to be understood. I expect to drive people away. In fact, alarmingly, I've realized I don't give many people the chance to really get to know me. I spend a lot of time by myself. If I do spend time with friends, it's usually only in a group situation. I have very few people who I confide in. I never realized how guarded I was. I like to think of myself as a fairly open person. And I am in my way. I'm outgoing. I have no problem striking up conversations. I can be friendly and personable. But, I only let most people in so far. The real me is fiercely emotional and metaprocessy. I get all sappy and woo woo about all sorts of things. I don't let most people see that. I fear their judgement.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

never realized how guarded I was. I like to think of myself as a fairly open person. And I am in my way. I'm outgoing. I have no problem striking up conversations. I can be friendly and personable. But, I only let most people in so far.

Heh. You appear to be borrowing my brain. :)

However, in my case, it's partly because I have certain needs from people who I am close to, so letting most people in that close is very likely to cause hurt to both me _and_ them.

I accept that part of myself, as it appears to work well for me. I don't, however, like that my basic assumptions come up with people I _have_ let in, even though it's only a time of year thing.

I fear their judgement.

Yes. And, in short, I think that is what sparks both my not expecting to be understood and my expecting to drive people away. I _know_ that, in many, many ways, I'm strange. But subtly enough that it has often been quite a shock to people when they find this out. Or people don't believe it, and think I'm behaving strangely because I am trying to be funny. Or something.

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

*nodnodnodsigh*

[devoken.livejournal.com]

I fear their judgement

Apparently it's a 3-way brain split. It has taken me a lot of time and effort to get to a point where I can be honest about the less-cool parts of myself without being guaranteed to panic.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's certainly not an easy thing to rewire, and all to easy to fall back into. Practice and supportive people helps, though. As does people who try to be similarly honest _back_.

[regyt.livejournal.com]

Ping!

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Meow! Didn't you just effectively ping me in the previous post? :)

[regyt.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but I like saying 'ping'.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

It's the machine that goes 'ping!'

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

What about Poing? Poing!

[ayalanya.livejournal.com]

mew! i miss you!

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Mew! *pets*

[motyl.livejournal.com]

Incidentally, mind if I snag your email from someone? There's been several of these posts I was tempted to reply to, but given that I'm still wary of what I post in open forums I often reply to things on the side.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Mmm. Actually, I _think_ you're on my friends list and can see my email address in my user info? If not, this is a paid account so wispfox @ livejournal.com will work.

And now I'm very curious. :)