[brains.self awareness] Not with the distancing!

[wispfox]

Unintentional childhood lessons on not talking about things important to me have turned up in new and interesting ways relating to my difficulty with letting out negative emotions.

I do, now, reasonably with speaking up when things are being problematic for me, and not letting them fester in that particular way.

OK, I suppose the 'speaking up' previously mentioned is actually more frequently emailing. At least it's not always emailing anymore! I think it's usually due to processing delays. I'm not sure if it's also because it's easier to keep typing when crying (as I do when frustrated, as well as upset/sad/hurt), because it's another form of distance, or... dunno. Not clear if it has a direct effect on either my distancing.

I do _not_, however, do a very good job at actually letting myself experience the emotions, nor - as I've come to realize - getting past the workaround I set up so that I _could_ successfully communicate problems aloud, where so as to not cry I distance myself from it enough to stay able to talk (note: only recently a thing I was consciously aware of doing).

While yes, this is a useful workaround so as to prevent not talking about things at all and allow me to explain things, I am still missing the step past that one, where the issues are known to be understood and thus I stop distancing myself from the emotional reaction to them while trying to discuss/comprehend/work through/with them. Because even if the problems are explained and understood, whether or not they are things which can be prevented (some can, some cannot), there is still going to be a pile of emotional reaction there that I will need to let myself feel and work through. Both on my own, and with anyone else involved who is trying to work through it with me.

Distancing in that case? No longer helpful. Hurtful, because it can easily parse as distancing from anyone trying to talk with you about it, apologize for any part in it, and/or help heal the wound (in you, in them, in any relevent relationship(s)).

So clearly I have a new Thing to Work On. On the plus side, I have enough brain to see that it's there to work on, and am likely to be able to do so. Slowly. With help.

Comments

[tooticky.livejournal.com]

Writing how you feel or what the problem is down is a time-honoured way of expressing it. Email just expedites getting that piece of writing off to the person you think needs to know.
Not a bad way to go sometimes. I tend to write it down in my diary first, and then end up talking about it. Or just end up talking about it and realising 'Ahah! That's what it was.'
Sometimes having a good cry just helps defuse how you feel - it's not a negative thing, although when the tears are frustrated ones it can feel very undignified! But there's no virtue in not crying, especially when it's with someone you trust. :)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Mmm. Interesting, and probably accurate, point about writing. Since most of how I do my thinking _is_ writing...

The thing about crying is that I've _so_ much effort tied up in not doing it that it was a known thing that I was not good at doing; I just hadn't realized that I was actively avoiding it by default even when it was _not_ needful to be able to talk. So very much with the needing to learn how to do that again.