[sad, rant]

[wispfox]

Why must I lose friendships for things that did not happen? And, because of who I am and how I am, _would_ not happen, even should the friend in question not have been similarly trustworthy? I miss the friendship. I would have been perfectly _happy_ had it continued as the friendship that it was. I had not seriously considered any other possibilities due to lack of availability, regardless of the fears/expectations of said friend's significant other. But apparently having a close friendship with me is threatening for my friends' significant others, sometimes. At least that's not always true, I guess...

Why is it that being who I am seems to be so damn good at magnifying problems in the relationships of those with whom I spend a sufficient amount of time, all too frequently resulting in jealousy and/or the loss of said friendships? Sometimes I hate being a catalyst.

I don't like losing friendships. I never have. I like it even less when the reason is not within the friendship itself. The dislike increases yet more when I run into former friends with relative frequency, due to mutual social activities that I refuse to stop attending. Worse yet when I had a sufficiently strong bond with the former friend that I felt a need to remove the bond.

*sigh* I wish I coped _faster_, dammit!

[edit: tried to make things a little more clear]

Comments

[wcg.livejournal.com]

Ouch. No answers, but I hope a little comisseration helps.

That does, indeed, suck.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

I hope a little comisseration helps.

It does. And I don't expect answers, because there aren't any... not really.

[ayalanya.livejournal.com]

*many hugs*

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Thanks, hon...

[ladytabitha.livejournal.com]

I have nothing here, except my utmost sympathies.

And a monkey.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Monkey good. Monkeys throw poo! Sympathy also appreciated...

(Hey! Why does monkey get to keep its 'y' when plural?)

[ysabel.livejournal.com]

Now there's a true friend, to give you a monkey in your time of need.

[jul3z.livejournal.com]

*hugs* it's awful that you're in this situation.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Thanks...

[wurmwyd.livejournal.com]

Hi There!

Dear, dear, dear Wispfox honey. Reading your post, I get the feeling that this is all a big Poly Thing, yes?

Do you sometimes get the feeling that your monogamous friends tend to be: "Perfectly okay with you being poly, as long as you don't do it in their presence??". I get that feeling sometimes. Some people that I know seem to be threatened by my poly-thoughts. As if I'm trying to "convert" them.

I don't know if this is what you're going through, or if I've just got Poly-on-the-brain, and my friends are right about me being a zealot. [sad shrug]

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

big Poly Thing

Only if you count having close friendships with people as poly...

(in the micro-sense, my being poly may have something to do with it, but only maybe. Macro, which is what I was more talking about, no - not really)

All of that said...

your monogamous friends tend to be: "Perfectly okay with you being poly, as long as you don't do it in their presence??".

Um. No. But I also rarely have monogamous friends, at this point, due to a fair amount of complete lack of understanding of them (I Do Not Understand Monogamy. Not deep down). And I _have_ noticed that I've run into the jealousy of my friendship with people problem _way_ less often with healthily poly people. Note that I say 'healthily', though - being poly isn't enough, either. So I suppose it may more be about healthy relationships than about the type of relationship. Because people in healthy relationships are far less likely to feel threatened by an outside party, because they are secure in it and themselves.

In fact, a friend being poly but in a monogamous relationship might actually _increase_ the likelyhood of me losing the friendship (the last two times this has happened, this has been the case). Perhaps as if I might cause said friend to be less happy in the monogamous relationship, or something, by being a reminder of other options. I don't know.

I'm sure its fast as it should be

[majes.livejournal.com]

I totally know what you mean, regarding the coping taking too damn long. I recommend against trying to rush it though. Rushing it has been my strategy in the past (as well as the strategy of other folks I've known and do know) and, well, that just makes it worse. I'm sure you know that; you're the rational-typing-while-bathing-in-the-soul-fire girl.

Whatever part of my essence that isn't corrupted by darkness - It's working on sending good energy your way. I hope it helps with the mending.

Re: I'm sure its fast as it should be

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

I recommend against trying to rush it though.

Honestly, I'm not sure how I _would_ rush it. There isn't anything else I can do but wait for myself to adjust.

rational-typing-while-bathing-in-the-soul-fire girl

*laugh* I have no idea what this means, but I'm amused.

(y'know, I should probably ping you about visiting me soon - not this week, though)

[cutieperson]

because not everyone behaves as you, and it's hard for people to grasp that you won't do sucky things that perhaps others have done?

doesn't make it any less sucky, but maybe explains some of it.

*hugs*

[bluepapercup]

*agrees with you*

[randysmith]

*hugs*

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Thanks...

[yendi]

*hugs*

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

*smile* Thanks.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

????

*worries*
*loves you*

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

*smiles* Thanks, hon. I suspect that you know a fair amount of the story already. But the remainder of it occured a week ago last Saturday, which you may not have seen... (removal of bond)

If you're curious, ping me in email. I prefer to avoid being specific about such things in public forums.

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[bluepapercup]

*nods in understand*

Friendships are tough, squirrely things, sometimes even more difficult and confusing than capital-R relationships. We all carry a lot of experiental crap around with us, and for some folks that translates into not being able to handle broken bonds.

I know it's sucky, I think I have expereinced something similar myself, but need to put more thought into remembering the specifics.

I could say it will all work out with time, but that's like saying you can dilute any strength of acid with water. Yeah you can, but you might not ever be able to get enough water so that you can dilute it *enough*.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

it will all work out with time

At least in terms of me adjusting enough, yes. It will. Beyond that, I cannot say.

for some folks that translates into not being able to handle broken bonds.

I'm slightly confused by this part, as I think it may mean that my initial post was confusing. I broke the bond on purpose, because there had been too long without the friendship, and no end in sight. Refer to posts a week ago last Saturday about bond removal...

Re: sad, rant

[wolfieboy.livejournal.com]

This situation really sucks and I'm sorry that it's happening with you. I've had it happen to me and when it has, I've wanted to roll around on the floor, throwing a temper tantrum, saying that it's not my fault. I've never actually done this though since it wouldn't've done any good. It's still not fair.

Much hugs and cuddles.

Re: sad, rant

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

I've wanted to roll around on the floor, throwing a temper tantrum, saying that it's not my fault.

*That*, I wanted to do when this whole mess started 9 months ago. Now? I'm mostly just _sad_. And frustrated.

[majes.livejournal.com]

Can do. Looks like the 23rd (of August) is my next free night.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Palm'd. I steal it!

Re: coping

[wolfieboy.livejournal.com]

Oh, and I suspect that you'll cope about as fast as is healthy for you. It can take time.

Sorry that I don't have more time to help with this, although I don't know what I'd do if I did.

*Hug* again.

Re: coping

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

I suspect that you'll cope about as fast as is healthy for you. It can take time.

I know I will, and I know it does. Doesn't make me any less impatient...

I don't know what I'd do if I did.

Nor do I. But the sentiment is appreciated, nonetheless.

[australian-joe.livejournal.com]

I only saw a very smart part of that for myself, but they've made their own hell. Too bad you were caught in the collateral damage.

Mind you, it takes two to tango. People don't stay in such situations without a component of wanting to remain there. 8-<

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

they've made their own hell

Mind you, it takes two to tango. People don't stay in such situations without a component of wanting to remain there. 8-<

*nods unhappily* And there's nothing that can be done until they realize it. People can talk at them, but not to them well enough. Beaten puppy syndrome. *sigh*

[echospiralheart.livejournal.com]

I understand the catalyst thing ... but from one person who has been on the end of the catalyst thing happening ... I appreciate the growth that I get from someone being a catalyst. I'm also good at recognizing that some things are my issues, not the catalyst's issues. :) If that just made any sense.

Anyway.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

It made sense.

The people who are my friends understand and appreciate my catalytic nature.

It's the people who aren't comfortable with me but who are close enough to friends of mine to be affected anyway who get confused/upset.

[echospiralheart.livejournal.com]

soooo .. why can't we read the replies to replies?

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

You can't?