[sad, rant]

[wispfox]

Why must I lose friendships for things that did not happen? And, because of who I am and how I am, _would_ not happen, even should the friend in question not have been similarly trustworthy? I miss the friendship. I would have been perfectly _happy_ had it continued as the friendship that it was. I had not seriously considered any other possibilities due to lack of availability, regardless of the fears/expectations of said friend's significant other. But apparently having a close friendship with me is threatening for my friends' significant others, sometimes. At least that's not always true, I guess...

Why is it that being who I am seems to be so damn good at magnifying problems in the relationships of those with whom I spend a sufficient amount of time, all too frequently resulting in jealousy and/or the loss of said friendships? Sometimes I hate being a catalyst.

I don't like losing friendships. I never have. I like it even less when the reason is not within the friendship itself. The dislike increases yet more when I run into former friends with relative frequency, due to mutual social activities that I refuse to stop attending. Worse yet when I had a sufficiently strong bond with the former friend that I felt a need to remove the bond.

*sigh* I wish I coped _faster_, dammit!

[edit: tried to make things a little more clear]

Comments

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

seemed to me that it wasn't in fact jealousy, but fear, rage and despair - fear of a future outside their control, rage in advance about the future, and despair because they already *knew* what they were afraid of was inevitable but were trying to convince the universe and themselves otherwise.

It is _entirely_ possible that it's changed from what it originally was, perhaps as a result of this whole mess, and that I have not interpreted the change (perhaps because I'm too close to it, and/or because I no longer have any conversational information to draw upon).

I know initially that it was jealousy, combined with fear. I don't think I know of many instances where there was large amounts of jealousy _not_ combined with fear. Rage & dispair make sense to have been added while they made at least some attempt to communicate about stuff that hadn't been being communicated about.

You are not responsible for the unreasonableness of others.

I know I'm not. And I'm not sure what this is intended to address.

If catalyzing/jealousy-causing - I _know_ it's not something I have control over or specifically _do_. But I also know that interacting with me _did_ cause changes in their relationship - ones that needed to happen, but changes nonetheless. I don't feel guilty about them or anything, but I do know that I am at least partly a cause. If nothing else, it's not _possible_ to interact deeply with other people without some amount of change.

even if they've made their own hell, you've made your own heaven.

*smiles* Yeah.

(now if only I knew what I wanted to do with my life. ;)

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

If nothing else, it's not _possible_ to interact deeply with other people without some amount of change.

Thoroughly agreed. Non-affecting = shallow/minimal interaction

(now if only I knew what I wanted to do with my life. ;)

*offers you a lit candle*

Make a wish.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Thoroughly agreed. Non-affecting = shallow/minimal interaction

Indeed.

Make a wish.

?

That will help me figure out what I want to do, somehow? *curious/confused*

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

Well, what do you wish to do? :)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

I don't know, excatly.

Thus the problem.

Current possibility, after I pay of school loans and save up enough to wander around and then _do_ so, is massage school, then try to figure out some way to combine my enjoyment of picking through people's brains with energy work and/or massage. Or something like that.

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

That counts as a wish. :)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

This conversation amuses me, now, considering my whole counseling stuff more recently. :)

[australian-joe.livejournal.com]

>You are not responsible for the unreasonableness of others.

I know I'm not. And I'm not sure what this is intended to address.

Oh, that was in response to it seeming that you were still questioning whether it was right that you were taking this path. You haven't "failed" in anything, was what I was trying to say.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Oh. No.

I know what I did was right. I just wish I hadn't had to do it.

[australian-joe.livejournal.com]

Yeah. [close but not confining hug]