[sad, rant]

[wispfox]

Why must I lose friendships for things that did not happen? And, because of who I am and how I am, _would_ not happen, even should the friend in question not have been similarly trustworthy? I miss the friendship. I would have been perfectly _happy_ had it continued as the friendship that it was. I had not seriously considered any other possibilities due to lack of availability, regardless of the fears/expectations of said friend's significant other. But apparently having a close friendship with me is threatening for my friends' significant others, sometimes. At least that's not always true, I guess...

Why is it that being who I am seems to be so damn good at magnifying problems in the relationships of those with whom I spend a sufficient amount of time, all too frequently resulting in jealousy and/or the loss of said friendships? Sometimes I hate being a catalyst.

I don't like losing friendships. I never have. I like it even less when the reason is not within the friendship itself. The dislike increases yet more when I run into former friends with relative frequency, due to mutual social activities that I refuse to stop attending. Worse yet when I had a sufficiently strong bond with the former friend that I felt a need to remove the bond.

*sigh* I wish I coped _faster_, dammit!

[edit: tried to make things a little more clear]

Comments

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

do they feel *good*, thinking that the person they're clinging to is there only because of how much hell they know they'd go through if they tried to leave?

No. But they feel worse thinking about being alone. People like this are terrified of being alone. Even if, in fact, they wouldn't be alone if they would let their friends support/help them. As well, they generally _need_ to be alone for a bit, to figure themselves out. But they are usually scared of the idea of responsibility for themselves, too.

For the one being clung too - is it somehow *nice* to be constantly monitored and distrusted?

No. But being needed by someone is dangerously addictive, because it feels like, if someone needs you, you are useful and ought to be able to help them even if you actually can't, and other similar things. And it's very draining, making it difficult to think of how anything else might be, or how to get _out_ of it. And you start to lose parts of yourself, making it even more difficult to know how or why one might want to leave.

I got to the point of realizing that I was losing parts of myself before I left my own version of this, and promised myself to never get into that situation again. And I haven't. And, at this point, I don't think it's even a danger anymore.

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

Co-dependence = scary

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Yes.

Yes, it is.

[australian-joe.livejournal.com]

Yes. I know no-one does anything that they think it stupid or evil, so there must be ways of thinking about this that make it seem like it's fine & dandy for both parties.

I just can't twist my brain that far.