wispfox

It is, I note, remarkably difficult for me to compare how much I miss someone _now_ vs have missed them in the past. Why _is_ that?

Was attempting to determine if I actually do find it harder when australian_joe leaves in winter vs. in summer. I think, actually, what happens is that it hits me _much_ harder in winter (emotional fucked-upness, and all), but my awareness of everything (including my time sense) is terrible in winter, so I also recover more quickly.

Mostly, I think, it's because I'm less good at keeping track of how recently anything has happened in winter. I _really_ get into 'now is always' states in winter. Also makes winter feel like it lasts forever and ever (and ever!). I wonder what sort of fascinating effect being in the other hemisphere next Feb will have on that?

Annoyingly, my 'avoiding thinking about this to let it chill out' thing right now is new-apartment-oriented. And I need to wait until I've finished with carpet cleaning stuff before I can really move much in earnest.

(I also hope coping with him leaving gets easier, eventually. Not particularly convinced that it _will_, mind)

I _do_, however, think the additional solidity to my sense of him from his Feb visit has helped, overall, with lack of in-person interaction with him (both immediately after he leaves and in terms of increasing the time from his last visit to when I start losing sense of him enough for it to be a timeout problem).

One thing I am starting to notice myself really missing from australian_joe being around is, although not actually specific to him, not something I get when he's not around. That would be easy access to casual physical affection.

It doesn't feel specific to him, though, which is why I don't think it negates my earlier comments about this time being a much faster recovery. Still miss it, though. And, of course, I certainly miss _him_, even though it's not weighing on my mind much. (and yes, I figure this will always be something I miss after he leaves until I have some easy way of getting such locally. Which, since most everyone I know isn't nearby, makes this unlikely to be any time soon! Then again, it might actually require me sharing living space with someone who is good with casual physical affection. Not sure)


In other news, last night entailed lots of dreams in which I was simultaneously myself and someone else. All I can guess is really good VR. Was kinda neat, although also somewhat creepy.

Ended up working from home today due to major exhaustion.

australian_joe just left.

I mope much now.

It's a _lot_ more difficult to see him go now than it was in July. Season, perhaps.


I'm probably going to have a weird combination of needing time to myself, since the last three weeks were pretty social (although the past week was much less so), and really needing to be with individuals with whom I am comfortable and with whom cuddling is a reasonable expectation. Partly because I normally need that in the winter (especially late Jan/all of Feb), but partly because I'm going to be intensely mopey/sad until I readjust.

Comfy people have tended to be much better about visiting me than in past experience, as well as about pinging me for hangings out, which is greatly appreciated. Especially since I tend to be _much_ less good about pinging people about cuddly visits, yet need it more strongly at the same damn time.


I tend to be decent at ignoring people leaving until about 1-2 hours before they leave. Then, I get very quiet, because... words aren't useful because it's not words that I miss when they are gone. I can still _get_ words when people are not nearby. Also quiet because I tend to be at a fairly unstable point emotionally when I know it's going to be a while, and I'm not very good with goodbyes.


Ok. Back to work and attempting to ignore intense sadness, since I really _do_ need to be working right now.


[edit: I find it fascinating that, so far, I regularly dream about visiting Australia the night before he leaves. Even though I have not been there and therefore have no useful frame of reference. So much so that I know it's wrong _in the damn dream_]

Very good weekend. Very good couple of weeks, really.

australian_joe returns to Australia today (every time I try to say 'returns home', my brain gets confused because he's _not_ going to be at my home! Weird...). It'll be really, really strange to go home tonight and not have him there. Periodically missed him a little over the last couple of days - it's always strange to miss someone who isn't gone yet! Hell, he's _still_ not gone, but may as well be from my perspective, since I'm at work.

Yep. Much missing of him. But, I shall cope. I always do! (asking me if I'll be ok will never have a useful answer - I will always be ok!) No longer being in an uncertain state is good. And having a decent sense of him to draw upon is also good.

Got lots and lots of good cuddling and touch and such. This is a very good thing! Yes.

*purrs, stretches* It's been a while since I was around someone whose idea of 'enough' touch is similar enough to mine to not pose problems. (in not getting as much as I would like, or in them wanting more than I do - rare, but does happen)

Accent not picked up because it's not yet one for which I do not have to modify my brain's translation software. But I suspect strongly that there will be new words in my vocabulary. ;)


And... some (unrelated) quotes from my calendar from over the weekend!

"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves." -Carl Jung

"The world is so constructed that if you wish to enjoy its pleasures, you also must endure its pains." -Swami Brahmananda

New topic in my head! Everyone rejoice! ;)

Also - it'll probably be apparent, but this is stuff I'm still trying to figure out/verbalize/understand.

( ok, I expect to be babbling, so cutting this )