wispfox

OK, I'm all introspective (ok, perhaps that isn't all that noteworthy...) and stuff.

The idea of 'going on dates', as I believe it is generally understood, seems to be a combination of getting to know someone new and determining potential for a sexual relationship. It seems... odd to me to combine those two goals, because getting to know someone is, in my head, a perfectly delightful goal all on its own, and adding in conscious thought about a possible sexual relationship only adds large amounts of stress, confusion, and nervousness. It also makes it much more difficult to get to know a person entirely on the basis of who they are, rather than on future possibilities.

For me, getting to know someone _is_ an end goal, and generally one sparked by in-person meetings (sometimes planned, mostly not - and usually in decent-sized groups). I'd want to know more about them, whether I'm coming from a base of just having met them, or from some amount of knowledge gained before meeting them (online for example).

Sometimes, from friendship, comes the potential for some sort of relationship with includes sexual activity or the possibility thereof - but, for me, it always follows the friendship, and does not happen while trying to _form_ the friendship. (although, sometimes, I feel compelled to note, there has not been a whole lot of time between the two states. I've gotten much better at separating the two more clearly, since that _is_ how I work.)

It's true that, if I meet people online, I can form some level of interest in meeting them - certainly! But, for the most part, this is a fairly passive interest, and takes a fair amount (usually at least a few months of actual interaction) of time - I develop interest in meeting a person eventually, and won't, for example, feel a need to attempt to seek them out. This type of thing tends to result in me meeting a person at some sort of social activity that we'd both have been going to anyway. The actively seeking out also does happen based solely on online interaction (to my profound surprise), but ridiculously rarely.

So... I think that I'm very, very curious as to why it might make sense to any of you to do what I believe to be the 'typical' kind of dating, where getting to know people is simultaneous with investigating possibility of a sexual relationship. It seems... time-consuming, stressful, and not terribly effective for forming good bonds. But perhaps I'm misunderstanding something?

Note: I _do_ realize that there are cases where people meet, have an instant connection, and therefore the getting to know is simultaneous with _everything_. But those are special cases. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking so-called 'typical' forms of dating (for those who don't understand the concept of dating in the US - I think I've explained what I'm talking about in enough detail? Especially since I don't really understand it, either... and considering that that word can mean entirely too many things).

One of those 'yes, _exactly_' replies I get from time to time to posts of mine felt like something I should post. So, with permission, I am.

In reply to my life lessons write-up post, opalmirror said:

"For me, discovering all these things required I not be in a primary relationship, because a primary relationship implied a level of entwinement that made it impossible for me to sort out who I am, coupled with a level of stress about partner happiness that compromised my ability to find energy to work on understanding myself."

Uh, yeah. Most of those life lessons I posted? They were things I realized within the last couple years, mostly during the time I was very intentionally avoiding serious-type relationships. I truly don't know if I could have figured them out while in one, but I _do_ know it was _significantly_ easier to do without such an attachment to anyone. I needed that time, when the only person I was responsible was to myself (and my cat). As well, having that time made it much easier for me to know who I was outside of major interpersonal entanglements, and therefore figure out what I needed while _in_ them. (of course, the 'what I needed while in them' part was/is mostly theoretical. We shall see. ;)

Anyway. That comment felt like something I very much needed to post.

Interesting question in someone else's journal got me all define-y again.

Wooooords.

So. The question was, basically, what would cause you to get into a relationship with someone? Are they different from the reasons you would walk away?

( I attempt to answer )

New topic in my head! Everyone rejoice! ;)

Also - it'll probably be apparent, but this is stuff I'm still trying to figure out/verbalize/understand.

( ok, I expect to be babbling, so cutting this )

Today, I was informed by co-workers of mine that I am imaginary. And that I'm a zombie. I'm an imaginary zombie? Does that mean people would, or would not, notice me eating their brain?


( non-partner-word brain wanderings )

This sorta relates to the work group, only in that I think the work group made me more consciously aware of it. Yes, I haven't gotten to that yet. I want to write about this first!

( connections )

[edit] *more amusement* I talk about connections, and my college roommate sends me email for the first time in months, maybe years.

Yep. I'm babbly.

One more thought for the immediate future. I've decided that I need to stop being so apologetic about things. I don't always notice it, but when I *do* notice, it annoys me that I'm *so* cautious.

( Apologetic-ness explaination )

Just stumbled upon the LJ account of my ex.

a) absolute shock that he *has* an LJ account. The degree of this shock is amazing, really. Somehow, not something I expected him to have...

*laugh* Of course, it's also not something I expected *I* would have, so I suppose I can't really say much. ;)

b) Reading it made me smile a lot. This fact made me happy. So I've added him as a friend. Not that he posts very often. Or, as I suppose I should say, not that he posts often that random un-friended people can read.

c) I was strongly reminded that I miss his friendship.

I recently invited him, along with bunches of other people, to a day of geekery that a friend suggested. The 'him' invite is because it's been the first thing I've done, since I realized that my memories don't hurt anymore, that I thought he'd be interested in. I hope that he does end up going, and that things are ok between us.

There've been things he's invited me to, but always either things I'm not interested in, or things I couldn't make. And I've seen him twice since I helped clean the old apartment last September (or was it late August?). But both times were brief and in passing. So, effectively, I've not seen him in 7 months.

More musings, but they belong in a separate post. So this one is done. :)