Connections (long)
Dec. 1st, 2003 06:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wispfoxThis sorta relates to the work group, only in that I think the work group made me more consciously aware of it. Yes, I haven't gotten to that yet. I want to write about this first!
Connections...
I've always been someone for whom connections are very important. Sometimes I am more aware of this than at other times, however. Sunday evening, I was very, *very* conscious of the connections I have with people, how I form them, how I maintain them, how I recognize that I would like them to exist. These connections can be of any kind of relationship which is closer than casual aquaintances, but they all have similar properties for what I'm currently talking about.
As one might expect, realizing that I would like a connection to form requires that I meet them (note: it really does - I might think someone is interesting if I meet them online, but no particularly good connection will form until I've met them, and I will never have much more than a mild crush on such people. 'Crush' being defined simply as someone I find interesting in some way). This usually occurs for me in a group setting of at least vaguely like-minded people, where mingling and chatting is what is expected in that situation.
The problem here is that I tend to not necessarily think to get someone's contact info while in the process of talking to them, and my name memory is *terrible* for someone I've only just met. If I interacted with them enough, I might be able to recognize them again later, once I've had a bit more interaction with them beyond an initial greetnig. This is annoying. Thankfully, other people are often more on the ball with this, and it's frequently possible to meet people again later if they are local.
Note that it is also usually very true that people who get into my 'actively want to get to know them better' filter have already at some level or another felt to me like people I can/should/want to trust. And this filter is different than my 'interesting person' filter. There is a stronger level of desire to get to know people in the former than the latter, probably because the former does imply that some level of trust has already started to form.
OK. Presume that I've decided that I want to form some sort of connection with someone ('get to know them better'). Also, presume that I have some way to get in touch with them and have gotten beyond whatever shyness might apply on either of our parts. In order for me to actually form a connection of any sort of strength or lasting ability, I need the following three things, combined however circumstances permit: in-person interaction, individual conversation (this is generally what is used to gauge my level of trust, based largely on a combination of their reactions to what I might decide to say, and on their willingness to share things with me in return), and touch of some form. Longer-term forms of touch are generally better. And individual in-person interaction is also better, possibly because it permits the possibility of combining with the conversation factor.
If I cannot get the in-person part for some reason, and I'm aware of and accepting of this, individual conversation can compensate. Of course, this does mean I'll need more individual conversation than I might otherwise require in order to form/create/maintain the same level of connection, since it's going to have to compensate for both touch *and* in-person interaction.
I'm starting to learn that the above needs to be modified only slightly for me to be able to apply it to a group of people (energy group being the first instance in which there has been both need and possibility for me to get to know a group of people without necessarily needing to know them really well individually, first. Although knowing some of them individually to some degree or another does help) - replace the word 'individually' in the previous paragraph with 'as a group', and I seem to be ok. So far, at least. I suspect the fact that I feel like I *could* get individual interaction with the people in the group also helps. It also feels like a different kind of connection, with a group vs with an individual - I'm not completely sure my maintainance needs as described below quite apply in the same way. But I don't appear to be able to find words to explain this feeling.
The maintainance of a connection which is formed seems to largely be the same things as how I form them and strengthen them in the first place; individual communication, in-person interaction, touch. The frequency with which I am likely to feel a need to refresh (maintain) the connection appears to relate to how confident I am in the connection in question. This confidence appears to relate to a combination of how comfortable I am with believing that the person the connection is with also wants it, and to how long it has existed.
Note that I said a 'need' to refresh it, and not a want - if there is insufficient levels of maintainance, I will start to feel like the connection is going away, no matter if there is any real 'reason' for this to happen. I generally tend to *want* to spend large amounts of time with friends, but it's not a need.
As well, even if a connection does start to fade, it's generally not that difficult (presuming the only reason for the fading was insufficient levels of something needed for maintainance) to reverse that - just give me the opportunity for the refreshing. Indeed, simply contacting me to try to figure out how to do so can be enough to start the process. It's also true that I can be the one who has drifted away - sometimes I do that, completely unintentionally. Sometimes it's because one or the other person has changed enough that the original connection is weaker - people, and friendships, change.
Attempting to force a connection to remain static is both difficult (I'd probably be willing to say impossible) and unhealthy - but a change in a connection does not mean it has to be weaker. Sometimes it does become weaker, and sometimes it's a temporary thing, in order to make it easier to handle the change. Sometimes changes in a connection, especially if they appear to be sudden, are *painful*, so a weakening makes it a little easier. But it can return, modified. If both people want it to, and are willing to accept/learn/understand that things are different and the way(s) in which they are different.
*chuckle* Apparently today is my day to ramble a *lot*. And I haven't even talked about work group yet! I gave up on trying to make sure it made sense and flowed well. It's really a whole bunch of rambling, and I give up on making it any easier for anyone else to follow. Hey, at least I threw words at it! This started out as a couple sentences. ;)
[edit] *more amusement* I talk about connections, and my college roommate sends me email for the first time in months, maybe years.
Connections...
I've always been someone for whom connections are very important. Sometimes I am more aware of this than at other times, however. Sunday evening, I was very, *very* conscious of the connections I have with people, how I form them, how I maintain them, how I recognize that I would like them to exist. These connections can be of any kind of relationship which is closer than casual aquaintances, but they all have similar properties for what I'm currently talking about.
As one might expect, realizing that I would like a connection to form requires that I meet them (note: it really does - I might think someone is interesting if I meet them online, but no particularly good connection will form until I've met them, and I will never have much more than a mild crush on such people. 'Crush' being defined simply as someone I find interesting in some way). This usually occurs for me in a group setting of at least vaguely like-minded people, where mingling and chatting is what is expected in that situation.
The problem here is that I tend to not necessarily think to get someone's contact info while in the process of talking to them, and my name memory is *terrible* for someone I've only just met. If I interacted with them enough, I might be able to recognize them again later, once I've had a bit more interaction with them beyond an initial greetnig. This is annoying. Thankfully, other people are often more on the ball with this, and it's frequently possible to meet people again later if they are local.
Note that it is also usually very true that people who get into my 'actively want to get to know them better' filter have already at some level or another felt to me like people I can/should/want to trust. And this filter is different than my 'interesting person' filter. There is a stronger level of desire to get to know people in the former than the latter, probably because the former does imply that some level of trust has already started to form.
OK. Presume that I've decided that I want to form some sort of connection with someone ('get to know them better'). Also, presume that I have some way to get in touch with them and have gotten beyond whatever shyness might apply on either of our parts. In order for me to actually form a connection of any sort of strength or lasting ability, I need the following three things, combined however circumstances permit: in-person interaction, individual conversation (this is generally what is used to gauge my level of trust, based largely on a combination of their reactions to what I might decide to say, and on their willingness to share things with me in return), and touch of some form. Longer-term forms of touch are generally better. And individual in-person interaction is also better, possibly because it permits the possibility of combining with the conversation factor.
If I cannot get the in-person part for some reason, and I'm aware of and accepting of this, individual conversation can compensate. Of course, this does mean I'll need more individual conversation than I might otherwise require in order to form/create/maintain the same level of connection, since it's going to have to compensate for both touch *and* in-person interaction.
I'm starting to learn that the above needs to be modified only slightly for me to be able to apply it to a group of people (energy group being the first instance in which there has been both need and possibility for me to get to know a group of people without necessarily needing to know them really well individually, first. Although knowing some of them individually to some degree or another does help) - replace the word 'individually' in the previous paragraph with 'as a group', and I seem to be ok. So far, at least. I suspect the fact that I feel like I *could* get individual interaction with the people in the group also helps. It also feels like a different kind of connection, with a group vs with an individual - I'm not completely sure my maintainance needs as described below quite apply in the same way. But I don't appear to be able to find words to explain this feeling.
The maintainance of a connection which is formed seems to largely be the same things as how I form them and strengthen them in the first place; individual communication, in-person interaction, touch. The frequency with which I am likely to feel a need to refresh (maintain) the connection appears to relate to how confident I am in the connection in question. This confidence appears to relate to a combination of how comfortable I am with believing that the person the connection is with also wants it, and to how long it has existed.
Note that I said a 'need' to refresh it, and not a want - if there is insufficient levels of maintainance, I will start to feel like the connection is going away, no matter if there is any real 'reason' for this to happen. I generally tend to *want* to spend large amounts of time with friends, but it's not a need.
As well, even if a connection does start to fade, it's generally not that difficult (presuming the only reason for the fading was insufficient levels of something needed for maintainance) to reverse that - just give me the opportunity for the refreshing. Indeed, simply contacting me to try to figure out how to do so can be enough to start the process. It's also true that I can be the one who has drifted away - sometimes I do that, completely unintentionally. Sometimes it's because one or the other person has changed enough that the original connection is weaker - people, and friendships, change.
Attempting to force a connection to remain static is both difficult (I'd probably be willing to say impossible) and unhealthy - but a change in a connection does not mean it has to be weaker. Sometimes it does become weaker, and sometimes it's a temporary thing, in order to make it easier to handle the change. Sometimes changes in a connection, especially if they appear to be sudden, are *painful*, so a weakening makes it a little easier. But it can return, modified. If both people want it to, and are willing to accept/learn/understand that things are different and the way(s) in which they are different.
*chuckle* Apparently today is my day to ramble a *lot*. And I haven't even talked about work group yet! I gave up on trying to make sure it made sense and flowed well. It's really a whole bunch of rambling, and I give up on making it any easier for anyone else to follow. Hey, at least I threw words at it! This started out as a couple sentences. ;)
[edit] *more amusement* I talk about connections, and my college roommate sends me email for the first time in months, maybe years.
