In the context of my pending hair cut, being reassured that someone (who I have admittedly been dating a long time) is certain that I will continue to be beautiful with short hair, evidently makes for a mental stutter (hiccup? not sure).

IM may have meant my mental stutter was non-obvious, I have no idea. I did manage an appropriate thank you in a reasonable amount of time.

I think I was bemused for a number of reasons. First, the notification of pending short hair was meant to be informational. Mind you, we had just been talking about my leaving grad school, and I'd pointed him to my recent posts on the topic. (This was in large part both a 'fyi' and a 'this likely means I'm not visiting you this year'.) So he had good reason to believe I might need reassurance in general.

But, and I think this is the more interesting aspect, I have trouble thinking of myself as beautiful if the context is purely appearance-based. It's not that I don't think I'm attractive (although, yes, depression is not helpful there), but that to me the concept of physical beauty is both highly unusual (I think a _very_ small - perhaps nonexistent? - number of people are beautiful when based solely on appearance) and needs to be to the level of breathtaking/awe to make sense.

So what's beauty?

I can't think of a way I use it purely about people's appearances. A still photograph of someone just can't be beautiful to me. Water, sky, the play of light on things: things like this can be still shots and be beautiful to me. Not people. (and perhaps not animals or plants, either. Not without light/water/sky things going on)

Once you add motion, it's no longer just physical appearance. It's going to include how someone expresses themselves, how they move, how they carry themselves. Even if you ignore possible sound/vocal cues, there is a _lot_ of info in motion.

One example for which I am pretty consistent relates to graceful movement. If someone nearby is doing something graceful, and I notice and don't have a good reason not to, I will become entirely distracted and just watch. It's absolutely about awe and beauty and things for which words are not coming. And it is entirely possible that my jaw will actually drop.

I have a similar reaction to enthusiasm being shared with someone, where, if it's with me, it's usually stronger than if I just happen to get to watch other people enjoying that experience. Enthusiasm and glee about things are absolutely beautiful.

Other ways people move can be beautiful, although it's not often something I'll notice if I'm in the middle of a conversation with someone (paying attention to conversation trumps noticing physical things). I think it may still tend to involve either grace or enthusiasm, now that I think about it! Or sometimes the way the light catches someone.

Perhaps my bafflement at being called beautiful is simply that I don't have many contexts in which I find people beautiful. So it's a temporary (and often fleeting) thing ('estar'), not a constant thing ('ser'). Which, why do we not have two "to be" words like Spanish does?

What do you all find beautiful?

Or perhaps "because humans"? Conversation with metahacker resulted in me trying to figure this out. :)

I think there's a certain amount of 'this thing that someone/a group of people is doing or has done confuses me immensely and thus I feel like an alien.' Probably see 'autism spectrum', I R on it, here.

Also, some 'this thing bothers me and it comes up too often for me to put any brain space into it right now.' Usually sexism, I think.

I don't think I use it to suggest that this is a thing that people - all people - do and I just need to accept that. I am aware that other people do use it this way!

I may use 'because cat' in that kind of way, though. Hmm... even that may be more of a case of "this is a thing that only makes sense because you are a cat", rather than "and every cat does this thing that you are doing right now".

Do any of you use a phrase something like this? And if so, what do you mean by it?

I do not get enough cuddling in my life. Currently, it's basically only metahacker. jasra and I are working on it, on our end. The fact that I will tend to forget to be cuddly with people if I've not been doing enough cuddling does not help.

One of the best things about the wedding I just attended was feeling comfortable saying to a couple of women I had just met that I would like to be cuddling them. And then, we did so. One was more comfortable with cuddling than the other, I suspect due purely to experience with it. But. Cuddles. Cuddles with no purpose beyond simple touch.

Also, fabulous dog whose purpose in life is to be cuddly (literally, that's what she's being trained for). :)

I really, really miss contexts in which the cultural norm of 'touch must be sexual or at least have a sexual overtone' has been subverted. I mean, I don't tend to be cuddly with people if I'm not attracted to them somehow or another ("attracted" as in "drawn to" or "fascinated by" or "want to know better" - no specific goal beyond that), but it feels like a world of difference between "hey, you're nifty" and "My only purpose for touching you is because I want to get into your pants at the earliest possible opportunity". The attendees at this weekend's wedding, thankfully basically free of that cultural norm. So, I actually let hugs last as long as they would naturally do so. And didn't feel uncomfortable at random back massages as part of hugs (and indeed gave such as part of hugs myself). I am not trying to suggest that there was no interest, just that it wasn't the point of the touch.

I'm also _utterly_ delighted by the fact that, unlike usual, one of the women there was first to suggest the idea of trading contact information. It can get very, very tiring to always be the one asking for more interaction with interesting women, y'know? (I'm typically not as drawn to lengthen interactions with men, and the fact that I'm acutely aware of not dating any women appears to only have increased this trend more toward finding women more interesting) I think the last woman who was first to suggest more interactions (or perhaps mutual of said) after our first interaction was jasra. (and before that was the_xtina)

I can never tell if that's because they are shy to suggest more interaction, there is not sufficiently strong mutual fascination, or what. And I often feel like I come on too strong when I find someone fascinating, which rarely helps when interacting with a woman.

My brains, they are perplexing and sometimes problematic.

I am writing this post as much to try to figure things out as to get anyone else's thoughts, BTW. I do intend to talk to my therapist about this (again), and have sent him mail saying so.

( cut for length )

Which I apparently managed to entirely miss. (see http://www.allvoices.com/contributed-news/7081783-spirit-day-wear-purple-on-october-20-2010 if you did, too)

I'm really cynical about campaigns to wear a certain color on a certain day. It feels like it's too easy for people to feel like they did their part and not do more.

Now, I will note that I have no useful idea of what I can personally do about bullying. So I can absolutely see the temptation to do that rather than to do nothing at all.

However, instead, I will link to Single Dad Laughing.

( A bit of a personal take on this, which is a little too long to not cut )

So what was the trip like, and what did I get from it?

( What was the trip like? )

once escorted. Go read it.

Am suspecting that two ativan at night, while permitting me to fall asleep faster (assuming stress doesn't override them) also causes me to have much trouble getting up in the morning and being drowsy all day. Not really a fan, so back to one and taking longer to fall asleep. So far, so good.

I would like it to be a little less easy for me to get into states where I'm not functional due to stress or overwhelmedness or whatever. So, after much conversation with metahacker, I shall be investigating having a therp (therp! Therp! Therp! the_xtina, I blame you) to try to work on things which are non-urgent (my entire experience with mental health professionals up until now has been for urgent stuff). I am not really sure how I feel about this.

Starting to investigate application processes for grad school, to be ordering transcripts once I'm home and have envelopes and my checkbook and such. Am vaguely annoyed that the earliest application deadline place does not yet have available the electronic application for next year, and that one of my application places requires that you do the entire electronic application in a single setting. Ah, well.

Soon, I shall need to start taking a stab at various personal statement things. That'll be weird! I don't recall my undergrad application at all, although I'm sure I had similar things to do then.

I've two people from my two last classes at UML as potential recommenders (one would prefer not, as he did not have much interaction with me and it was entirely online, but at least one of the schools wants two in academia, and another wherever), and two boss/co-worker-type people. So I should be good on recommendations.

Settling better into new location. I always seem to forget how hard moving is on me. Which is probably good, or I might try to never move again, and usually there is good reason to do so, when I do!

I do not know if I add beauty, precisely. I do know that I delight in pointing it out and sharing it, and in being around people who appreciate that.

Creation is a confusing concept to me. It is entirely possible for something to be created which is much like many other things which exist. At the same time, it's very easy to have something created which is too much like something which exists. I think the word 'new' is tripping me up, here. 'new' as in never before existing? Or 'new' as in taking things which do exist, and putting them together into something that they were previously not, even though said thing may already exist in the precise same configuration. Or, new in terms of being similar to, but not the same as, previously existing things. 'chair' can mean a lot of things. But chairs are mass produced. And chairs are made by hand. I would not think that mass production is creation, precisely, but... I do not know!

Asking for help. I'm actually decent at asking for help. But it varies. If it's monetary, I'm _REALLY_ bad at asking for help. If it's simply to help me do something I cannot do, cannot do well, or should not do (wrists, anyone?), I'm ok at it. But for the two years that I was mostly not able to do much with wrists besides work, it was harder and harder and harder to ask for help. I was just so _tired_ of needing to do so. And so tired of having people help me, even if I did not ask. Sometimes especially if I did not ask. Depends on the person and the situation. So it varies. A lot.

For things that I do not understand, it's pretty much second nature - unless I'm intimidated by someone - for me to ask for more information/clarification/whatever. But then, this has been something I've done, and needed to do, pretty much my whole life, and I did _not_ get a lot of 'you should already know this' from family.

I strongly tend toward wanting to buy things which are visually appealing as well as functional, preferably without lots of extra things I do not need or will not use. But I also tend strongly toward wanting to reduce my clutter. So I buy fewer things, and thus the things I do buy tend to cost more. For some reason, it's the cheap things which usually have no aesthetic value. Besides, I _like_ my pretties. ;)

How do you add beauty to the world? Is it something as simple as pointing it out when it is there, sharing what exists, or do you create your own beauty, in whatever form you are able?

What is it to create? I think creation can be solid objects, with or without purpose beyond simple existence, creation can be ideas, stories, maybe even experiences. Could creation be reminding people of the things which already are true, showing them things which they already know, as well as bringing in that which is new or at least locally unknown?

Why is it so hard to ask for help when you need it? Even, or perhaps especially, if it's someone for whom you would offer as much help as you have available to offer? Why are people are supposed to be independent and not _need_ help when asking people for help that you truly need and that they can offer makes them feel appreciated and loved and helpful _and_ makes whatever you were struggling with much less of a struggle?

When you create things, or purchase things, do you remember beauty and design as well as function? Small bits of beauty in one's life can make a big difference, just as can many small bits of annoyance, distraction, or obstruction.