![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wispfoxI truly dislike reminders of just how close to the edge I typically run in terms of mental/emotional spoons.
Yesterday, and therefore today, was an illustration of this fact.
As I believe you all know, I have not been working at a paying job - by choice - since April. Since I got back in August, I've been volunteering in a psych research lab MWF afternoons. Since about 3 weeks ago, I've been trying my damndest to learn enough undergraduate psychology to take the Psychology GREs on November 13th. Keep in mind that my undergraduate degree was not in psychology. I absolutely could not do this if I were also working full-time.
Unfortunately, due to the amount of material and the time I have available, I have to work on a new section of my GRE study book every day. This means creating new flashcards from the one I highlighted the previous day, studying both the flashcards I don't yet know and the ones I know but want to make sure I still know out of order, and highlighting a new chapter. These all take a lot of brain. This is largely because I don't have time available to do one every other day, and still have time to do practice tests. It's also because I want to built in a bit of leeway, for days where I simply cannot study (either for sick reasons or for, as today, no brain reasons).
I am also trying to do as much of the applications stuff as I can, but postponing the essays part until after the GRE. This means that the first essay will have about a month in which to work on it, the second one about half a month after that, and the third and fourth about half a month after that. The fifth one is rolling admissions, which likely will mean 'when I'm done with the other ones'.
I also need to track down one of the people who did my recommendations last year, to make sure she can do them again this year. She's not replied to two emails, so I shall be calling. If I don't hear back in a week, I need to use someone else.
Now, keep in mind that, as far as I can tell, working full-time is equivalent to one primary relationship. I personally feel like what I'm currently doing, between studying, applications, and volunteering, is something like two. This, as you might imagine, is having negative effects on my relationships, due both to time and spoons limitations. I'm not particularly pleased by this, nor by the fact that I don't have the spoons to _work_ on it. Nor on doing normal healthy type of relationship maintenance. At least not today, or yesterday.
The fact that it's turning into winter isn't helping either. Yeah, I'm using my light box.
Neither is the fact that I'm struggling with more weight than I am comfortable in my body with, due to my sleep meds, and my psychiatrist keeps postponing our appointment.
I am just. So. Tired.
I also dislike the fact that there's an awful lot of stuff tangled up in my brain around the fact that I am not working. Yeah, I have minimal amounts of money for survival stuff for another 2+ years. But that doesn't cover other things, like the fact that my glasses are somewhat broken and I need to get new ones. And even when it's offered, it's _HARD_ to rely on other people for monetary things. At some level, I feel like there's something wrong with the fact that I need to ask for monetary help. But if I don't, I end up with semi-broken glasses. Or clothing that is disintegrating. Or I can't eat out with other people. I hated this when I was growing up, and I hate it now. And I can't escape it, as I'm sure everyone else reading this who has ever struggled with money issues is aware. Not without making things worse, at least. Somewhere in my brain, asking for money help is making a significant negative balance in terms of what I owe other people, perhaps not money-specifically, but in general. So I feel like I need to be doing more of other things, instead. But, right now, because of my crazy schedule, I don't have time or spoons (sometimes both) to do the kinds of things I would typically be doing to help out. So I feel like I am not only falling down on the things I should be doing (eg chores, emotional support, whatever), but that it's even worse because I still need to be asking for money help.
This means I am far more likely to try, even if I otherwise should not be. Chores, at least, are less of a problem in terms of spoons. They're more of a time thing, since if I have time, they can be a break from studying (which, in fact, they were today). Emotional support... uses the same spoons that studying and dealing with weight and money stuff uses.
I hate winter, I hate spoon limitations (but am glad that it's not also physical anymore - yay, mostly healed wrists!), and I'm just tired. But I need to go call that recommender and try to study. Even though I largely want to go hide in my bed.
Yesterday, and therefore today, was an illustration of this fact.
As I believe you all know, I have not been working at a paying job - by choice - since April. Since I got back in August, I've been volunteering in a psych research lab MWF afternoons. Since about 3 weeks ago, I've been trying my damndest to learn enough undergraduate psychology to take the Psychology GREs on November 13th. Keep in mind that my undergraduate degree was not in psychology. I absolutely could not do this if I were also working full-time.
Unfortunately, due to the amount of material and the time I have available, I have to work on a new section of my GRE study book every day. This means creating new flashcards from the one I highlighted the previous day, studying both the flashcards I don't yet know and the ones I know but want to make sure I still know out of order, and highlighting a new chapter. These all take a lot of brain. This is largely because I don't have time available to do one every other day, and still have time to do practice tests. It's also because I want to built in a bit of leeway, for days where I simply cannot study (either for sick reasons or for, as today, no brain reasons).
I am also trying to do as much of the applications stuff as I can, but postponing the essays part until after the GRE. This means that the first essay will have about a month in which to work on it, the second one about half a month after that, and the third and fourth about half a month after that. The fifth one is rolling admissions, which likely will mean 'when I'm done with the other ones'.
I also need to track down one of the people who did my recommendations last year, to make sure she can do them again this year. She's not replied to two emails, so I shall be calling. If I don't hear back in a week, I need to use someone else.
Now, keep in mind that, as far as I can tell, working full-time is equivalent to one primary relationship. I personally feel like what I'm currently doing, between studying, applications, and volunteering, is something like two. This, as you might imagine, is having negative effects on my relationships, due both to time and spoons limitations. I'm not particularly pleased by this, nor by the fact that I don't have the spoons to _work_ on it. Nor on doing normal healthy type of relationship maintenance. At least not today, or yesterday.
The fact that it's turning into winter isn't helping either. Yeah, I'm using my light box.
Neither is the fact that I'm struggling with more weight than I am comfortable in my body with, due to my sleep meds, and my psychiatrist keeps postponing our appointment.
I am just. So. Tired.
I also dislike the fact that there's an awful lot of stuff tangled up in my brain around the fact that I am not working. Yeah, I have minimal amounts of money for survival stuff for another 2+ years. But that doesn't cover other things, like the fact that my glasses are somewhat broken and I need to get new ones. And even when it's offered, it's _HARD_ to rely on other people for monetary things. At some level, I feel like there's something wrong with the fact that I need to ask for monetary help. But if I don't, I end up with semi-broken glasses. Or clothing that is disintegrating. Or I can't eat out with other people. I hated this when I was growing up, and I hate it now. And I can't escape it, as I'm sure everyone else reading this who has ever struggled with money issues is aware. Not without making things worse, at least. Somewhere in my brain, asking for money help is making a significant negative balance in terms of what I owe other people, perhaps not money-specifically, but in general. So I feel like I need to be doing more of other things, instead. But, right now, because of my crazy schedule, I don't have time or spoons (sometimes both) to do the kinds of things I would typically be doing to help out. So I feel like I am not only falling down on the things I should be doing (eg chores, emotional support, whatever), but that it's even worse because I still need to be asking for money help.
This means I am far more likely to try, even if I otherwise should not be. Chores, at least, are less of a problem in terms of spoons. They're more of a time thing, since if I have time, they can be a break from studying (which, in fact, they were today). Emotional support... uses the same spoons that studying and dealing with weight and money stuff uses.
I hate winter, I hate spoon limitations (but am glad that it's not also physical anymore - yay, mostly healed wrists!), and I'm just tired. But I need to go call that recommender and try to study. Even though I largely want to go hide in my bed.
