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wispfoxMy brains, they are perplexing and sometimes problematic.
I am writing this post as much to try to figure things out as to get anyone else's thoughts, BTW. I do intend to talk to my therapist about this (again), and have sent him mail saying so.
I have a definite problem with patience, especially for things which I would typically just do, were it only me involved. I sort of wonder how much of this is due to having been a middle of 6 kids, plus an inordinate amount of indoctrination for being able to be independent. I think, as a kid, things just happened with or without my input. As an adult, I was typically not in a state where I needed to consult with other people in order to do things. I would ask for suggestions and input, but they were not necessarily required. Does make me wonder how often I would ask for such things from people and then not wait long enough... and why I do that!
This lack of patience combines very poorly with things which need discussion, especially if they are not people who typically make decisions quickly and/or make things happen as soon as a decision is made (again, things I am prone to).
I seem to hear agreement before it actually happens, in cases like the above. I suspect that this means that there needs to be some sort of formal agreement such that I cannot misinterpret. And that I need to internalize waiting on that particular agreement. There may be other possibilities, as well, of course.
I mean, yes, I am at least _asking_. It was almost certainly worse when I would just do things without that. And it's still a bit foreign to me, even so. More than once, I've started to do something, then went 'wait... something doesn't feel right', followed by a request for input. But if I don't actually wait long enough to get more than preliminary input, at best? I'm really not sure how much better that actually is.
It feels like... for school and work, it may have often been that such a behavior may have been a useful one. Like waiting on people was actually the wrong thing to do. (Possibly affected by the fact that throughout much of my life, I didn't know _how_ to communicate. Sure, I could talk. But until college and online, I had no context in which to learn to communicate. Talking was not really the way to learn, for me. It was too fast and too confusing. So perhaps my childhood was largely made up of doing things that I knew needed to happen, regardless if I was getting confirmation that I saw/heard/understood)
However, in both my personal life and in graduate school, this does not appear to be true. Perhaps more accurately, it's never been true, but now I'm aware of it. Because people tell me and/or because I am able to notice. It's only been a very minor problem in graduate school, but it keeps coming up in my personal life. I don't _like_ hurting people I love, and yet I keep doing this particular thing. And I don't want to.
I don't know. I don't like it. I especially don't like that it's a recurring problem.
edited to add: I do know that I'm always worried that if things fall off my radar, I will forget to do them. This is worse when I'm in school. Makes me wonder if 'do things now' is a long habit to circumvent this problem.
I am writing this post as much to try to figure things out as to get anyone else's thoughts, BTW. I do intend to talk to my therapist about this (again), and have sent him mail saying so.
I have a definite problem with patience, especially for things which I would typically just do, were it only me involved. I sort of wonder how much of this is due to having been a middle of 6 kids, plus an inordinate amount of indoctrination for being able to be independent. I think, as a kid, things just happened with or without my input. As an adult, I was typically not in a state where I needed to consult with other people in order to do things. I would ask for suggestions and input, but they were not necessarily required. Does make me wonder how often I would ask for such things from people and then not wait long enough... and why I do that!
This lack of patience combines very poorly with things which need discussion, especially if they are not people who typically make decisions quickly and/or make things happen as soon as a decision is made (again, things I am prone to).
I seem to hear agreement before it actually happens, in cases like the above. I suspect that this means that there needs to be some sort of formal agreement such that I cannot misinterpret. And that I need to internalize waiting on that particular agreement. There may be other possibilities, as well, of course.
I mean, yes, I am at least _asking_. It was almost certainly worse when I would just do things without that. And it's still a bit foreign to me, even so. More than once, I've started to do something, then went 'wait... something doesn't feel right', followed by a request for input. But if I don't actually wait long enough to get more than preliminary input, at best? I'm really not sure how much better that actually is.
It feels like... for school and work, it may have often been that such a behavior may have been a useful one. Like waiting on people was actually the wrong thing to do. (Possibly affected by the fact that throughout much of my life, I didn't know _how_ to communicate. Sure, I could talk. But until college and online, I had no context in which to learn to communicate. Talking was not really the way to learn, for me. It was too fast and too confusing. So perhaps my childhood was largely made up of doing things that I knew needed to happen, regardless if I was getting confirmation that I saw/heard/understood)
However, in both my personal life and in graduate school, this does not appear to be true. Perhaps more accurately, it's never been true, but now I'm aware of it. Because people tell me and/or because I am able to notice. It's only been a very minor problem in graduate school, but it keeps coming up in my personal life. I don't _like_ hurting people I love, and yet I keep doing this particular thing. And I don't want to.
I don't know. I don't like it. I especially don't like that it's a recurring problem.
edited to add: I do know that I'm always worried that if things fall off my radar, I will forget to do them. This is worse when I'm in school. Makes me wonder if 'do things now' is a long habit to circumvent this problem.
