wispfox

Ended up working from home today due to major exhaustion.

australian_joe just left.

I mope much now.

It's a _lot_ more difficult to see him go now than it was in July. Season, perhaps.


I'm probably going to have a weird combination of needing time to myself, since the last three weeks were pretty social (although the past week was much less so), and really needing to be with individuals with whom I am comfortable and with whom cuddling is a reasonable expectation. Partly because I normally need that in the winter (especially late Jan/all of Feb), but partly because I'm going to be intensely mopey/sad until I readjust.

Comfy people have tended to be much better about visiting me than in past experience, as well as about pinging me for hangings out, which is greatly appreciated. Especially since I tend to be _much_ less good about pinging people about cuddly visits, yet need it more strongly at the same damn time.


I tend to be decent at ignoring people leaving until about 1-2 hours before they leave. Then, I get very quiet, because... words aren't useful because it's not words that I miss when they are gone. I can still _get_ words when people are not nearby. Also quiet because I tend to be at a fairly unstable point emotionally when I know it's going to be a while, and I'm not very good with goodbyes.


Ok. Back to work and attempting to ignore intense sadness, since I really _do_ need to be working right now.


[edit: I find it fascinating that, so far, I regularly dream about visiting Australia the night before he leaves. Even though I have not been there and therefore have no useful frame of reference. So much so that I know it's wrong _in the damn dream_]

[Boston area] dilletante notes that someone is paying attention to what motivates professional research subjects. BRAAAAAAINS.

dglenn has a delightful mathematics and sex-related quote.


I'm doing a startlingly good job of ignoring the fact that australian_joe leaves tomorrow, since thinking about it is unlikely to be, in any way, helpful. And, well, there is time _today_.

And I'm pleased by the fact that I appear to have _finally_ gotten to a state where some final thing clicked in my head relating to the reality of him (and us). It's kinda like there was something in my head which hadn't gotten enough of... something (time in-person?), so it was still holding out. Or something. And now that isn't true anymore. More of the comfortable/right, and less of the disbelief. And I really don't know how to word this, so I stop.

I do wonder if this will a) reduce my excessive clinginess when he visits (or at least make it last for less long), and b) reduce my difficulty with time apart, and perhaps the degree to which my time apart timeout has a negative effect on things. We shall see!

I like that, even with the mopey bits relating to the fact that my apartment is _empty_ right now, I am completely confident in that he'll be _back_. (and, yes, I do have intent to visit there at some point - dude, I _already_ wanted to visit Australia! I just have more reason now. ;)

I like that I had time during which I had both lots and lots of words and lots and lots of non-verbal. (And knowing that my need to be highly verbal is _appreciated_ is wonderful)

I like that I didn't let myself not say (and I _said_ them, mostly, not wrote them!) things that needed to be said because it annoyed me that it was true, or because I was afraid. And the telling was always received well. (I'm sure the above comment about highly verbal appreciation was a factor here, too)

I like that I felt like I was listened to on as many levels as I tend to listen.

I like that I was willing to look into eyes for long periods of time without breaking eye contact. And I learned that apparently part of why my gaze can be disconcerting is that I don't move my eyes at _all_ unless I'm thinking about it (or something not what I'm looking at catches my eye).

I like that, even though I most certainly had moments of feeling like I was being too strange (and therefore enough to make people leave), there was an explicit statement that at no point was that a possible problem. And I _most_ certainly got stranger than most people see me (I don't usually let people see me when I'm being really unable to sleep/fae/not fully here). Weirding people out is _always_ a concern of mine.

Yes, I miss. Of course I do - two weeks is a lot of time, especially when one is attempting to do lots of stuff during it. But I _don't_ have the fear that normally comes with distance for me. At least for now, at least while the sense I got is strong and important/needed shared verbalizations are in my head, I'm not afraid. And it is good.

I love. I miss. And I'm not afraid.

I associate Carvel ice cream cakes with birthdays, because those were the birthday cakes we had growing up. For a number of years, those have not happened, and I never remembered to ask why that was. I finally remembered on Sunday, and found out that someone had apparently indicated that people were tired of them. My reaction was one of complete shock and disbelief - it certainly wasn't me!

I decided today at work that I need to go find myself a really tiny carvel ice cream cake for myself, for a slightly late birthday cake. I wonder if I can get them to give me extra crunchies? (Probably not - I don't know of a Carvel ice cream store near me - I only know of stores that happen to have them, as well as lots of other stuff).

Mmm. Crunchies. :)


In completely other news, I seem to be narrowing down my phone weirdness to be related to the silence that frequently occurs in conversations. Over the phone, I have no way to verify that whomever I'm talking to *cares* about what I might be babbling about duing such silences (well, I can ask, but asking all the time would rather kill the flow of conversations). So, I tend to have fairly short things to say over the phone, to avoid the silence in the middle of my talking. (silence *not* while I'm in the middle of talking bothers me *much* less - and not at all, in person. Over the phone, since it is entirely an audio medium, it does feel a bit weird to spend lots of time in silence)

I still talk, but fairly briefly. Which can make it difficult to have conversations, because they end up being fairly imbalanced in terms of how much talking is going on. However, if whomever I'm talking to is willing to talk enough to carry the conversation even though I'm not talking much, phone conversations don't *have* to be seriously uncomfortable for me. Which is not something I ever knew before. And which really fascinates me, because I did not realize that it was something I could investigate about myself. Such a revelation, the idea of phones as *not* being completely evil. Still don't think I'd like them for difficult conversations, though, because body language is a lot more important, then. I want video-phones to replace audio-phones, already!


Weeee! Off to my volunteer job, now!