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wispfoxTransition states, all on their own, aren't really that bad, as long as they don't go on too long. But my idea of 'too long' seems to be shorter than most, as I have low tolerance for them.
Transition states, in my head, include things like traveling to places where the act of getting there is existing for only that reason. Examples includes driving to a place or a plane trip - in both cases, there are time constraints of some sort, and one is trapped in a fairly small location for a specific amount of time. I seem to _not_ have this problem with cruises (the one time I was on one), probably because the travel is just as much a part of the trip as the destination, and one is not trapped in such a small location.
It also includes things like not knowing what the state of a close relationship is. This can be simply because it's still being sorted out, but other reasons can often include a pending ending of one sort or another. I don't _like_ not knowing what someone I'm close to is in relation to me for a very long period of time. It drains me. Not _knowing_ things drains the hell out of me. (that said, for the initial getting to know people period, I _expect_ this drain, and the fact that they are new and shiny helps offset this some. But it still drains.)
I seem to recall having been told (or read) that a sign of asperger's syndrome is a difficulty with change. I begin to suspect that it's not _change_ that is the problem (for me, at least), but transition states. Change is fun, and interesting, and new. New places are great, new people and new relationships are great, once you _get_ there. Getting to the new places in terms of location and in terms of relationships with people is not so great. It can be interesting, fascinating, enjoyable, etc - but only for a certain amount of (variable) time before it starts being a drain and not a bonus - and it doesn't matter if I'm getting enough time on my own or not, although this probably increases the amount of time before it becomes a drain.
Until the last month or so, I was in a fair number of transition states. I didn't know for _sure_ that my feelings for
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australian_joe would be what they are now (although I suspected strongly). I had the bond that I only recently got rid of which had been in an unknown state for months and months and months. I had a slightly confusing relationship state with a friend of mine (now resolved). I'm sure there was more, but those were the major bits. It's no wonder I was frustrated beyond belief with the constant transition state that is getting to know new people when I was already in so many transition states! And it's no wonder that, even though I have a strong amount of sad/loss/anger/disappintment relating to the no-longer bond, I feel so much more _stable_ and right than I did. I basically did a housecleaning of uncertain states. And my brain is much less crowded.
We'll see how long that lasts, since life is all about transition states!
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no subject
Date: 2005-09-09 04:24 pm (UTC)(Hmmmm, I'm definitely poppin' open my brain here and TMI'ing, feel free to just move along if ya get bored or overshared.)
... to create a sense of focus on the issues and problems, looking for signs and clues as to what will happen. In me, this appears to be a bit of the ol' hypervigilence, which in many people be a symptom of (say) having had a dysfunctional family life as a child.
Anyway, definitely don't like the ambiguity. :)
no subject
Date: 2005-09-09 05:41 pm (UTC)If you include 'relationships which are still developing' in this, I agree. Because, I mean, it's got similar lack of certainty problems, but it's not necessarily an indication of a problem. Y'know?
(Hmmmm, I'm definitely poppin' open my brain here and TMI'ing, feel free to just move along if ya get bored or overshared.)
If I wasn't curious as to your response, I'd not have pointed you to an old post. :)
a sense of focus on the issues and problems, looking for signs and clues as to what will happen. In me, this appears to be a bit of the ol' hypervigilence, which in many people be a symptom of (say) having had a dysfunctional family life as a child.
Hmm. Uncertainty will automatically cause you to be looking for problems? I do that, to an extent, if one counts 'looking for sources of uncertainty' as problems. But if you mean looking for problems when what you really need is reassurance, that sounds extremely unpleasant. Mostly because it's always possible to find a problem, if one looks too hard, and looking too hard can _create_ problems and feelings of isolation and such. And thinking there are problems makes it harder - IME - to ask for reassurance, because you're wondering if asking will just cause the person to refuse...
Ouch. Yeah...
*sympathy*
no subject
Date: 2005-09-09 06:59 pm (UTC)New relationships? Yeah, I'm not sure if I do or not. I tend to get pretty pumped by the "new and shiny", which helps a lot. But, having said that, even then if I feel like I'm getting mixed signals, picking up ambivalence from the other person, I can lose interest and turn my attention elsewhere, and I think that that in part is "avoiding the real energy burn" in the uncertainty, etc. phase. Hard to say, though. Slow per se, while taking some energy, is not necessarily going to make me run, but slow and inconstant, slow-with-halting-steps-and-backward-steps, slow with mixed signals, those are all things likely tomake me go "hmmm, look, a puppy over there!".
Hmm. Uncertainty will automatically cause you to be looking for problems? I do that, to an extent, if one counts 'looking for sources of uncertainty' as problems. But if you mean looking for problems when what you really need is reassurance, that sounds extremely unpleasant. Mostly because it's always possible to find a problem, if one looks too hard, and looking too hard can _create_ problems and feelings of isolation and such. And thinking there are problems makes it harder - IME - to ask for reassurance, because you're wondering if asking will just cause the person to refuse...
Uncertainty won't necessarily cause me to look for problems, but certain kinds of it will, particularly those associated with mixed signals, which seems to be a thing that happens, sometimes but not always, in downward relationship transitions.
I think that mixed signals thing is really key. I'm pretty good (maybe too good?) at picking up (sometimes) body language cues, tonal cues, all sorts of little hints about what someone involved with me is thinking. The problem is that one can sometimes find pattersn in the noise, or see patterns that don't mean what you think they do. In a partner, a loss of libido, distraction, a drop in affectionate wording, tonal cues and stuff could be "there's a relationship problem", but can also be simply the other person in pain. The vigilence is often a friend, but it requires care to not overread and overprocess the additional data collected. And trying to make sense of that, to balance a potential emotional fear against trying to intelletually and objectively estimate the reality of those fears, that ends up, occasonally, taking a lot of energy. So that state is the ugly.
Mostly because it's always possible to find a problem, if one looks too hard, and looking too hard can _create_ problems and feelings of isolation and such. And thinking there are problems makes it harder - IME - to ask for reassurance, because you're wondering if asking will just cause the person to refuse...
Yes, that. :) Again, not always, very contextual on the relationship and stuff, but that. :) One of the things that's helped a lot, over
the years, was realizing that I really wanted partners who do have a lot of ease being blunt. Because, on the whole, I really would rather here "no" than "maybe" for a lot of kinds of questions. That realization has helped
me enormously, in fact.
*sympathy*
Thanks. :)
no subject
Date: 2005-09-12 06:25 pm (UTC)See, to me, the latter makes _SENSE_, since it may be a sign of a problem. What I do? Not so much sense to me... *shrug*
Sure, being overly aware of potentially mixed signals sounds difficult, especially if you're not aware of it happening. And especially since it's hard if one is always being uncertain about things and asking constantly (but worse if not talking about things!). Dunno. Sounds similar, but just at different points. :)
And I _very_ much need partners who are blunt, because I don't do well with body language. :) So I get that!
no subject
Date: 2005-09-20 04:53 pm (UTC)I think so--can you describe what it feels like more during a new relationship? E.g., is it a lot of uncertainty? Anxiety? Too much or too little energy?
Sure, being overly aware of potentially mixed signals sounds difficult, especially if you're not aware of it happening. And especially since it's hard if one is always being uncertain about things and asking constantly (but worse if not talking about things!). Dunno. Sounds similar, but just at different points. :)
Yeah. I'd think there'd be a lot of uncertainty at the start of a relationship, too, but usually the excitement, and perhaps that there's visible excitement from the other person, make that situation a bit safer?
Dunno.
As I've been reading recently, hypervigilence is often a charactersitic of adult children of alcoholics or, more generally other forms of dysfunctional families, it's a survival trait in situations where being able to notice the slightest cue may be of value. This all makes a lot of sense but was something I hadn't put together until very recently, and I'm still thinking about all the connections and interactions there and trying to make sense of it. It's pretty interesting/exciting, strangely. :)
no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 07:53 pm (UTC)If insufficient kinds of the interaction I prefer - when in-person, physical contact and conversation, when not in-person, both conversations via email or phone or IM and periodic 'hey, thinking of you' kinds of email or other kind of ping - I get very, very, very scared. Especially if I go ahead and speak up about not getting enough interaction, because I'm terrified that I'm going to be needing too much/asking for too much, and drive them away.
So, yes to the anxiety and uncertainty. Energy levels fluxuate quite a bit, depending on how much interaction I get, but it the uncertainty/anxiety are the actual problem.
no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 10:52 pm (UTC)And if I'm not, it may be because I may be pulling back too far from
situations in which the other person isn't displaying some interest.
These days, at the beginning
of a possible relationship, if I don't see at least some of the
same kind of energy I'm putting out coming back at me, I'm as
likely as not to stop putting in energy altogether and to write
the person off. I'm pretty sure this has been counterproductive
at least twice in the last, say, year.
But that pullback is definitely motivated by the fear of the
situation you're feeling anxious about. I'm just avoiding it
one step earlier, perhaps. :)
I do prefer people who actively, proactively communicate their
interest in relationships. I don't do as well
with the low-communication sorts, on average.
This relates, or at least reminds me of
the escalation into sexuality at th
start of relationships. Now once I'm
aware (and a few direct words can be enough, or the right
body language and gesture) that I have consent, I don't
need a lot more to "lead" if that's what the other person
wants, but I won't just lead without fairly clear interest
on the other persons part, and if I'm picking up any sort
of ambivalence on the other persons part, I'm going to
definitely slow down or stop until I understand what
the problem is.
(If the other person wants to lead, I tend to do
quite fine with that too, but that seems fairly rare,
in my experience.)