Changing one's past, changing one's self

[wispfox]

People seem to like posing questions about what they might do differently, if they had the choice to go back in time and change things in their lives.

The funny thing about this is that, _even during my worst moments_, there has never been a time I wanted to go back and change things.

This is partly because I always think of it in terms of knowing what I knew then, were there other choices for me to make, and _not_ with the knowledge I have gained since then. And partly because everything I have done, been, and gone through has made me who I am now. And I like who I am, even with my various flaws and things I want to work on.

Some (most?) of the stuff that sucked was effectively life giving me a slap upside the head to teach me something that it'd been trying to teach me for years. In all cases, I eventually got the point - it just took a lot, sometimes. And often took other people's perspectives, since I'm pretty bad at figuring out what general concept belongs with a bunch of specific examples.

Some of the stuff that sucked was simply a part of growing up in the family I grew up in. There was nothing I could have done differently without also being someone other than myself.

So, now, I find myself wondering. Those of you reading this post - how do you answer the original question? Would you change things in your past? Either way, why?

A similar question would be whether or not one would change stuff that is integral to themselves. In my case, the one thing which I would most want to change is the seasonal affective disorder.

However, I think that I would not. It has taught me quite a lot. It has also made me much stronger, and much better at handling emotional distress and irrationality.

Although, it would be nice to not have to fix up my sentence structure so other people can read it! *shrug* Not sure if I'd change it, though, because I don't know what other effects on my brain changing that would have...

Comments

[wurmwyd.livejournal.com]

Hi There!

My brother and his friend Jon were once walking through their old high school. It was about 3 years since they'd graduated. My brother says: "What would you do if you could just do it all over again, knowing what you know now?". Jon replied "I would've said something...".

Which just perfectly describes exactly what I wish I had done growing up. I wish I had "said something".

--- "Yeah, go ahead, send me to the Principal's office for speaking out of turn."
--- "I'm sorry, did you just call me a 'nerd', you fucking no-neck mosquito-dick jock?"
--- "Hey, I know I'm not the most popular guy in school, but would you like to go to the Spring dance with me?"
--- "Yes, this IS an X-men comic book I'm reading, would you like to borrow it when I'm finished?"
--- "Yes, I would like to try out for a part in the school play, when are auditions?"
--- "Dude, you can't go around punching other kids just because they're littler than you!"
--- "I might enjoy some sports more if I knew the rules a little better. Could you teach me?"
--- "I think I want to dye my hair green with light blue accents. Where do I go to have that done?"


I wish I could just go back and take a "do-over", Knowing what I know now. I wouldn't have put up with the whole psychodrama of high-school. (and college, now that I think of it) I would have hit on more pretty girls. I would have tried out for more things. I wouldn't have been the quiet kid that sat in the back and avoided all human contact.

don't get me wrong, it's not that my life SUCKS now, I just really wish I could do it over again. On a daily basis. :(

[epi-lj.livejournal.com]

The big things would be less likely to be wanting change, because the impact would be greater. For example, sometimes I wish I hadn't dated my first girlfriend, but had I not, I would likely be a radically different person than I am today, my life would have likely taken a very different course, and who knows if I would like that person or that life better than the one I have now? Same goes for anything that would have led me to avoid being assaulted as a child or other major negative life experiences.

But there are small things that I would probably chance on changing. For example, I once accidentally made a comment that was construed (and in hindsight, I can't see how it could *not* have been construed as such, even though that wasn't at all the intention) as being very, very racist. This is when I was about eight or nine years old. I was living somewhere temporarily and moved shortly thereafter, so I don't think it would impact much, but the memory still haunts me. Similarly, I don't think I gained anything from having watched American History X, but the images from the film bother me, at times quite a lot, to this day, so I wouldn't mind getting rid of that experience -- having rented something else that day.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

But there are small things that I would probably chance on changing.

Mmm. See, even the small things - most of them, if I didn't do them when they happened, they'd probably happen at some other time.

Like... I'd like to not have read The Puppet Masters, but I'm intentionally trying to read Heinlein's stuff. So I'd have read it anyway, because it's not like I could explain to myself why _not_ to!

But, interesting.

[epi-lj.livejournal.com]

I'm forgetful enough that if I don't do something while I'm thinking of it, there's a reasonable chance that I won't do it. It's not entirely improbable that I wouldn't have, say, seen American History X at a later date, but it's also not entirely improbable that I would have never seen it. (Especially given that I seem fated to always be around people who want to see light / fluffy movies, and thus seeing serious films is something I can only do when I'm by myself.)

What if the "doing something differently," were effected by going back and allowing you to change an attitude or a stance, such as making yourself simply not have any interest in reading that book?

[fraterrisus]

i'm a firm believer in the "i am the sum of my experiences" thing... which is to say, no, there isn't anything that i would go back and change about my past. it sort of ties into the "no regrets" attitude that i try to keep. i'm very happy with who i am and where i am right now. my past is what got me here. thus, i have no regrets about my past decisions. sure, i've been divorced before age 30; but i learned so much about myself and about my relationship style from that marriage that it's now an essential part of who i am. why would i want to change that?

which is not to say that i've never wanted to change decisions that i've made. but to retroactively go back and 'fix' them now? no thanks.

it's sort of a past vs. future thing. if i went back and changed things about my life, i might have been happier in the past. but would i be happier today, or tomorrow? who knows.

(i'll stop now, before the tenses get REALLY confusing. :)

[keyne.livejournal.com]

sure, i've been divorced before age 30; but i learned so much about myself and about my relationship style from that marriage that it's now an essential part of who i am. why would i want to change that?
which is not to say that i've never wanted to change decisions that i've made. but to retroactively go back and 'fix' them now? no thanks.
it's sort of a past vs. future thing. if i went back and changed things about my life, i might have been happier in the past. but would i be happier today, or tomorrow?

What he said. Without the unhappiness-in-love (including some wrenching breakups and a painful divorce) that led me forward, I wouldn't have Tim or John in my life. I might very well have had kids with someone who wouldn't be the excellent parent Tim is, and who I wouldn't want to co-parent with long-term. I doubt I'd have the comfortable lifestyle or range of choices I have now.

The one thing I have some mild regret about these days is that I didn't use my chances to go take some adult-education courses when we had more time and money. <shrug>

[catya.livejournal.com]

i don't think i would change anything that i *chose* - like ben i've been in the "no regrets" camp for a long time. but...

i've been abused
i've been raped
i've been overdosed against my will
i almost died of peritonitis and it may well have sparked 15+ years of chronic pain and fatigue since then
i lost the person then-closest to me to suicide
i lost a bunch of lovers and circle-mates and friends to aids.

god, would i change any of that? that's all before age 18, i'm 33 now - clearly who i am is heavily molded by those things. but what a huge price to pay.

and of course my choices play into those things happening - i could have chosen to go with my instincts and not trust the guy who abused me when i was 11, i could have chosen to not be out on my own the night i was raped, i could have chosen not to do drugs to begin with, i could have chosen to go to the hospital earlier. i'm sure i could have chosen differently and jossuin would still be alive, or at least not have died then. aids? even i can't find a way to take responsibility for that one.

if i could actually change any of that? i would have gone to the hospital earlier (like, before my appendix burst rather than three days later). the possible impact on my quality of life now is so high that i would risk whatever bad consequences there would be for that.

and yeah - if i got to change aids? even at the level of "you magically know you need to be using latex for that" for all my friends? yeah.

those are the easy ones. the others are harder, even the abuse and the rape, because important good things came out of those as well. (which makes me hatefully angry to even think about much. ugh.) and joss's suicide? who am i to change that, as desperately as i might want to? His suicide, the abuse, the rape - those were other people's choices. huge parts of who i am come out of other people's awful choices.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

i don't think i would change anything that i *chose*

huge parts of who i am come out of other people's awful choices.

Yes. Which is why it always surprises me when I realize that I wouldn't change things.

But the thing is, as stated above, it feels wrong to me to be thinking of what I would do if I knew what I do now, because there's no way I could.

Instead, I think about what else I could have done, being who I was at the time. And... I certainly couldn't have escaped the possible (not certain) abuse as a child (how does one escape one's family, when one has no idea of what else ought to be happening?).

And... the rape that I went through would only have been something I would not have had happen if I already was listening to my instincts about people consistently. Which, well, I think that was a distinctly upfront lesson in...

So... yeah. I dunno.

If I _did_ somehow have the ability to know the things I do now, then, I still would not change things. Because I like me. But it's _so_ much more difficult to stay with what I had happen to me, that way.

And I _don't_ have any physical manifestations of any of the crap that has happened to me (no physical ailments that are something I haven't had as long as I can remember; no one I've known well and loved has died much too early). So I can certainly see how it'd be difficult to know...

Interesting mental excercise...

[catya.livejournal.com]

interesting indeed.

i was assuming that anyone who would ask this sort of question is someone who had NOT had awful rape or abuse stuff in their life. To me it's an intensely painful train of thought to go through, because of those things.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Mmm. Well, a) I don't know if I _have_ had abuse or not, but I know my siblings did. My memory of my childhood is more or less useless.

And... the rape (by someone I knew, and not by a random stranger) was horrible, in that it thoroughly destroyed my willingness to trust anyone for a _long_ time.

But... it bothers me more to ignore memories, and let them eat at me. Also, I appear to have finally managed to get through my head that the rape _was not my fault_. Which makes it much less painful to handle, although it'll never be a _good_ or _easy_ memory.

[echospiralheart.livejournal.com]

Even those raped have this train of thought, and still wouldn't go back and change it.

[ash130.livejournal.com]

I wouldn’t change much. For me life has been more of a journey than a destination. Most every experience has created changes that opened opportunities for the next experience. It’s sort of like having a series of relationships. Approached with honesty each relationship can be a learning experience to apply to the next one so you eventually become better at them. Has anyone seen the movie Butterfly effect?

To Change or not to Change...

[cindy-lu.livejournal.com]

So I, too, have lived my life subscribing to the "who I am is the sum of my experiences, and I like who I am" philosophy that has led me to think I would not change my past if I could. Some of my biggest regrets are intertwined with my greatest joys and I cannot separate them. For instance, even knowing the pain that my marriage and divorce would cause me, would not lead me to undo that part of my life. Even though I sometimes (often?) mourn for the person that I was before my divorce, I couldn't invalidate who I have become by changing that part of my life. The same thing holds true for each of the other pieces of my life. When my life has been the most miserable, the most painful, I have still held to the belief that eventually I would move beyond that painful point, and be able to appreciate the lessons it had to teach me, even if I can't see it yet. Joy cannot teach you everything.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Joy cannot teach you everything.

Indeed. Very much so...

Re: Changing one's past

[wolfieboy.livejournal.com]

I agree with you that who I am is constructed based on what choices I've made and the situations I've been in.
Even the one thing that I'm ashamed of doing, I wouldn't change. Since then, I've examined myself more and made sure that I don't get to such a psychocrisis that I make choices that are not a part of myself.
Even the current situation that I'm in where there is no solution to the problem, I wouldn't change since to change it would mean that I didn't have the intervening beautiful years. It's also helped determine more of who/what I am.

Re: Changing one's past

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

made sure that I don't get to such a psychocrisis that I make choices that are not a part of myself.

Gods, yes. Which is part of why I don't regret so many things - they taught me so much about me and how I work, painfully though they may have been. And they've taught me to keep an eye on how much I really truly can handle...

I think I'm in agreement with everyone else here.

[water-childe.livejournal.com]

I've been through some terrible experiences that at the time I would have chewed through my own left hand not to have to deal with. But in retrospect these were the experiences that taught me the most about life, about myself, and have helped me become a stronger more capable human being. All that cliche stuff about, "It builds character . . ." sound trite, but it's really the truth. I bought a album by one of my favorite bands today. It's an album by the Manic Street Preachers called "Know Your Enemy". Inside the liner notes their is a quote by Susan Sontag. It's oddly appropriate. "The only interesting answers are those which destroy the question."

Re: I think I'm in agreement with everyone else here.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

"The only interesting answers are those which destroy the question."

Y'know, I love this quote. It's getting added to my .quotes file. Thank you!

[majes.livejournal.com]

I know that I'm frequently pained by the past, that something will come back to me, suddenly, and as powerfully as if it had just happened. Whether it was something stupid I did when I was in college or something that I didn't do when I was younger - these things are constantly reoccurring for me, as if they expect me to somehow resolve them. When faced by these things, I often wander into the realm of "If only, if only...". However, as I've gotten older, I've allowed myself less and less time with this particular waste of time; the fact of the matter is that I've made these mistake, I've done these dumb things, I took these wrong turns, and have said the things I shouldn't have, and not said the things I should have. Those are all done, complete, and the impact they have had has already manifested itself in my life. Its like dropping bombs - once its out of the plane, there's no stopping it, even if its going to hit the wrong target. Its not that the wish to change these things still doesn't happen, I just cut off the thoughts about that sooner.
I'd love it if I felt content in this though - its one thing for me to logically know that what has been, has been. Its a whole other thing to actually settle with that, be at peace with my past tomfoolery, and go on in my life feeling wiser for it. Its a great concept - the idea of just saying "Without my pain, I wouldn't be me." However, the difference between theory and practice eludes me. Part of the problem is my overly romantic notion that "Everything can be fixed" - I live in a world where I tend to believe that I can overcome anything, one way or another, regardless of how hard it is. This belief looks at those past mistakes and says something like "I don't care what excuses you have- you're just not trying hard enough to fix these errors! Get working on it, and you can do it!". It has no regard for my tendency to only travel one direction in time.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

I tend to believe that I can overcome anything

Oh, my gods. I'm _so_ glad I don't live in your world. Or I'd be spending way too much time on things that I cannot affect. Thankfully, I appear to be decent, at this point, at letting things go if I cannot affect them. (Well, most of the time, I am... sometimes, not. Especially when comfronted by things in that category)

[majes.livejournal.com]

Yeah, my life is trying really really hard to teach me this lesson as we speak. Whether I will finally "get it" or I'll just keep stubbornly holding on to "the way I've always done it" remains to be settled. Me vs reality - the grudge match of the century (its been a short century...).

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Heh. You probably ought to not try fighting against the universe. It's much bigger.

Oh! Is the gaming weekend actually happening? I ask because there is someone visiting my area I'd like to meet that weekend, if it's not.

Yes, we are a go

[majes.livejournal.com]

Yep, we are on. My plan is to start working on character creation after next week; oh... I need an e-mail address for you so I can send you files and such. I'll check your profile to see if one is there...

Re: Yes, we are a go

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Okie!

I'm wispfox @ livejournal.com

Re: Yes, we are a go

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Also, if you send me word docs, I won't be able to read them. :)

Plain text, PDF, html, all good.

Re: Yes, we are a go

[majes.livejournal.com]

Really, no Word docs? That's not a problem - I can print to PDF. That's just the first time anyone told me that they couldn't open Word docs.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Um. Funky.

I use Linux, almost exclusively. I can read Word docs at work, and at one of my home machines, via Open Office, but I don't have Word on my Windows box (used for gaming), and having to save a file to read it is annoying.

My _preference_ is for plain text, but I am aware that not everything permits for that (most likely, including character sheets).

[majes.livejournal.com]

Many of the character templates are organized in fairly graphical ways to make for easier reading and reference; they're a lot easier on the brain that they used to be. I tend to think in a method similar to math word problems, and that shows up in my template writing. Fortunately, I have other folks in my life who know better, and have worked to make my writing accessible to folks other than me. >:-)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Ah. Noted.

Also - do let me know when you have said stuff, so as to make sure I actually received it. I say this because we have not actually exchanged email yet. :)

[rosefox]

Heh... australian_joe and I were just talking about this last night.

I don't really do regrets. In the past, when I've said that, it's been heard as "I think I am and always have been perfect", which is hardly accurate. But regret is about "I wish I'd done something different", and while I often wish that circumstances were different, I also usually feel that I did the best I could given the circumstances; and beyond that, I make a major effort to do the best I can given the circumstances, so that I'm not saddled with regret later. It's part of caring for my future self, much as I avoid doing things that I'm later going to feel guilty or ashamed about.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

while I often wish that circumstances were different, I also usually feel that I did the best I could given the circumstances

Yes. Exactly this. This is what I was trying to say in my original post.

[intenselaura.livejournal.com]

Interesting that you should bring this up now. We buried my grandfather today -- definitely a time for introspection and looking at the past. I've also been cursing my memory for dates, as something very painful for me happened on this date a year ago. But I look at things that have happened in the past year, that likely wouldn't have happened without that painful event, and, difficult as that time was, I couldn't change it now. Perhaps things would have happened such that I wouldn't be reading your journal and responding to this question.

That's all I've got right now; it's been a long, draining day.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Wow, sweetie...

*hug* *sympathy* *comfort*

[lerryn.livejournal.com]

There is a promise I was asked to make by my then-gf, now wife. I was asked to never make her choose between me and someone else. Because I keep my promises, I didn't speak up about another relationship of hers which caused a lot of problems for both of us. While I agree with the people who've said that choices made in the past become who you are today, that really wasn't the optimal way to learn my absolutely-no-room-to-give limits.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

*nods*

There are only a few ways that I can handle actually making a promise, and then finding out that I was unable to keep it:

If the other person has changed such that the promise is no longer sane.
If I have changed such that the promise is no longer sane.
(in both cases, the above only work because I can remind myself that I, or they, are not who we were when the promise was made)
If the original bounds of the promise are not the same as what they are being used under, because it means that the original promise no longer applies.

Note that these are _all_ only to keep myself sane, in the case that a promise was a poor choice. I rarely make promises for a _reason_.

[echospiralheart.livejournal.com]

I had done this in my journal but then deleted it. :)

I think about the situation when my best friend and I ended living as roommates. It was bad. We almost parted never to speak again. I ran into her in the apartment in those last couple of weeks. Alex's mom was in the hospital because of a car accident and it didn't look good. There was a lot of pain in me and I know in her too. I remember telling her "I never meant to hurt you." It was those simple words that began the healing process of our friendship and what led to her truly being my best friend. while I am sorry for a lot of things from then. I understand so much more of what was going on better now than I did at the time. But ... those hard times ... those misunderstandings ... they've helped make our friendship stronger. And it is strong. So even though I am sorry about a lot of things from then, I wouldn't change it. And I will always be grateful for having told her that "i never meant to hurt her."

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

"I never meant to hurt you."

Sometimes, it's the smallest things which make the most difference.

But, in cases like this, only really strong friendships will survive, or want to. None else are worth it.

[echospiralheart.livejournal.com]

See. This goes back to what I was writing a couple weeks ago ... People are generally good people. They don't want to hurt others. They want to be there etc. etc. But what makes it worth the effort for one person and not for others? My friendship with her was just about over ... we almost didn't survive ... yet those simple words brought the friendship back together. Why? I think it was more than just the fact that we had had friendship. What? I don't really know. :)