Changing one's past, changing one's self

[wispfox]

People seem to like posing questions about what they might do differently, if they had the choice to go back in time and change things in their lives.

The funny thing about this is that, _even during my worst moments_, there has never been a time I wanted to go back and change things.

This is partly because I always think of it in terms of knowing what I knew then, were there other choices for me to make, and _not_ with the knowledge I have gained since then. And partly because everything I have done, been, and gone through has made me who I am now. And I like who I am, even with my various flaws and things I want to work on.

Some (most?) of the stuff that sucked was effectively life giving me a slap upside the head to teach me something that it'd been trying to teach me for years. In all cases, I eventually got the point - it just took a lot, sometimes. And often took other people's perspectives, since I'm pretty bad at figuring out what general concept belongs with a bunch of specific examples.

Some of the stuff that sucked was simply a part of growing up in the family I grew up in. There was nothing I could have done differently without also being someone other than myself.

So, now, I find myself wondering. Those of you reading this post - how do you answer the original question? Would you change things in your past? Either way, why?

A similar question would be whether or not one would change stuff that is integral to themselves. In my case, the one thing which I would most want to change is the seasonal affective disorder.

However, I think that I would not. It has taught me quite a lot. It has also made me much stronger, and much better at handling emotional distress and irrationality.

Although, it would be nice to not have to fix up my sentence structure so other people can read it! *shrug* Not sure if I'd change it, though, because I don't know what other effects on my brain changing that would have...

Comments

[majes.livejournal.com]

I know that I'm frequently pained by the past, that something will come back to me, suddenly, and as powerfully as if it had just happened. Whether it was something stupid I did when I was in college or something that I didn't do when I was younger - these things are constantly reoccurring for me, as if they expect me to somehow resolve them. When faced by these things, I often wander into the realm of "If only, if only...". However, as I've gotten older, I've allowed myself less and less time with this particular waste of time; the fact of the matter is that I've made these mistake, I've done these dumb things, I took these wrong turns, and have said the things I shouldn't have, and not said the things I should have. Those are all done, complete, and the impact they have had has already manifested itself in my life. Its like dropping bombs - once its out of the plane, there's no stopping it, even if its going to hit the wrong target. Its not that the wish to change these things still doesn't happen, I just cut off the thoughts about that sooner.
I'd love it if I felt content in this though - its one thing for me to logically know that what has been, has been. Its a whole other thing to actually settle with that, be at peace with my past tomfoolery, and go on in my life feeling wiser for it. Its a great concept - the idea of just saying "Without my pain, I wouldn't be me." However, the difference between theory and practice eludes me. Part of the problem is my overly romantic notion that "Everything can be fixed" - I live in a world where I tend to believe that I can overcome anything, one way or another, regardless of how hard it is. This belief looks at those past mistakes and says something like "I don't care what excuses you have- you're just not trying hard enough to fix these errors! Get working on it, and you can do it!". It has no regard for my tendency to only travel one direction in time.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

I tend to believe that I can overcome anything

Oh, my gods. I'm _so_ glad I don't live in your world. Or I'd be spending way too much time on things that I cannot affect. Thankfully, I appear to be decent, at this point, at letting things go if I cannot affect them. (Well, most of the time, I am... sometimes, not. Especially when comfronted by things in that category)

[majes.livejournal.com]

Yeah, my life is trying really really hard to teach me this lesson as we speak. Whether I will finally "get it" or I'll just keep stubbornly holding on to "the way I've always done it" remains to be settled. Me vs reality - the grudge match of the century (its been a short century...).

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Heh. You probably ought to not try fighting against the universe. It's much bigger.

Oh! Is the gaming weekend actually happening? I ask because there is someone visiting my area I'd like to meet that weekend, if it's not.

Yes, we are a go

[majes.livejournal.com]

Yep, we are on. My plan is to start working on character creation after next week; oh... I need an e-mail address for you so I can send you files and such. I'll check your profile to see if one is there...

Re: Yes, we are a go

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Okie!

I'm wispfox @ livejournal.com

Re: Yes, we are a go

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Also, if you send me word docs, I won't be able to read them. :)

Plain text, PDF, html, all good.

Re: Yes, we are a go

[majes.livejournal.com]

Really, no Word docs? That's not a problem - I can print to PDF. That's just the first time anyone told me that they couldn't open Word docs.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Um. Funky.

I use Linux, almost exclusively. I can read Word docs at work, and at one of my home machines, via Open Office, but I don't have Word on my Windows box (used for gaming), and having to save a file to read it is annoying.

My _preference_ is for plain text, but I am aware that not everything permits for that (most likely, including character sheets).

[majes.livejournal.com]

Many of the character templates are organized in fairly graphical ways to make for easier reading and reference; they're a lot easier on the brain that they used to be. I tend to think in a method similar to math word problems, and that shows up in my template writing. Fortunately, I have other folks in my life who know better, and have worked to make my writing accessible to folks other than me. >:-)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Ah. Noted.

Also - do let me know when you have said stuff, so as to make sure I actually received it. I say this because we have not actually exchanged email yet. :)