Changing one's past, changing one's self

[wispfox]

People seem to like posing questions about what they might do differently, if they had the choice to go back in time and change things in their lives.

The funny thing about this is that, _even during my worst moments_, there has never been a time I wanted to go back and change things.

This is partly because I always think of it in terms of knowing what I knew then, were there other choices for me to make, and _not_ with the knowledge I have gained since then. And partly because everything I have done, been, and gone through has made me who I am now. And I like who I am, even with my various flaws and things I want to work on.

Some (most?) of the stuff that sucked was effectively life giving me a slap upside the head to teach me something that it'd been trying to teach me for years. In all cases, I eventually got the point - it just took a lot, sometimes. And often took other people's perspectives, since I'm pretty bad at figuring out what general concept belongs with a bunch of specific examples.

Some of the stuff that sucked was simply a part of growing up in the family I grew up in. There was nothing I could have done differently without also being someone other than myself.

So, now, I find myself wondering. Those of you reading this post - how do you answer the original question? Would you change things in your past? Either way, why?

A similar question would be whether or not one would change stuff that is integral to themselves. In my case, the one thing which I would most want to change is the seasonal affective disorder.

However, I think that I would not. It has taught me quite a lot. It has also made me much stronger, and much better at handling emotional distress and irrationality.

Although, it would be nice to not have to fix up my sentence structure so other people can read it! *shrug* Not sure if I'd change it, though, because I don't know what other effects on my brain changing that would have...

Comments

[epi-lj.livejournal.com]

The big things would be less likely to be wanting change, because the impact would be greater. For example, sometimes I wish I hadn't dated my first girlfriend, but had I not, I would likely be a radically different person than I am today, my life would have likely taken a very different course, and who knows if I would like that person or that life better than the one I have now? Same goes for anything that would have led me to avoid being assaulted as a child or other major negative life experiences.

But there are small things that I would probably chance on changing. For example, I once accidentally made a comment that was construed (and in hindsight, I can't see how it could *not* have been construed as such, even though that wasn't at all the intention) as being very, very racist. This is when I was about eight or nine years old. I was living somewhere temporarily and moved shortly thereafter, so I don't think it would impact much, but the memory still haunts me. Similarly, I don't think I gained anything from having watched American History X, but the images from the film bother me, at times quite a lot, to this day, so I wouldn't mind getting rid of that experience -- having rented something else that day.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

But there are small things that I would probably chance on changing.

Mmm. See, even the small things - most of them, if I didn't do them when they happened, they'd probably happen at some other time.

Like... I'd like to not have read The Puppet Masters, but I'm intentionally trying to read Heinlein's stuff. So I'd have read it anyway, because it's not like I could explain to myself why _not_ to!

But, interesting.

[epi-lj.livejournal.com]

I'm forgetful enough that if I don't do something while I'm thinking of it, there's a reasonable chance that I won't do it. It's not entirely improbable that I wouldn't have, say, seen American History X at a later date, but it's also not entirely improbable that I would have never seen it. (Especially given that I seem fated to always be around people who want to see light / fluffy movies, and thus seeing serious films is something I can only do when I'm by myself.)

What if the "doing something differently," were effected by going back and allowing you to change an attitude or a stance, such as making yourself simply not have any interest in reading that book?