Changing one's past, changing one's self

[wispfox]

People seem to like posing questions about what they might do differently, if they had the choice to go back in time and change things in their lives.

The funny thing about this is that, _even during my worst moments_, there has never been a time I wanted to go back and change things.

This is partly because I always think of it in terms of knowing what I knew then, were there other choices for me to make, and _not_ with the knowledge I have gained since then. And partly because everything I have done, been, and gone through has made me who I am now. And I like who I am, even with my various flaws and things I want to work on.

Some (most?) of the stuff that sucked was effectively life giving me a slap upside the head to teach me something that it'd been trying to teach me for years. In all cases, I eventually got the point - it just took a lot, sometimes. And often took other people's perspectives, since I'm pretty bad at figuring out what general concept belongs with a bunch of specific examples.

Some of the stuff that sucked was simply a part of growing up in the family I grew up in. There was nothing I could have done differently without also being someone other than myself.

So, now, I find myself wondering. Those of you reading this post - how do you answer the original question? Would you change things in your past? Either way, why?

A similar question would be whether or not one would change stuff that is integral to themselves. In my case, the one thing which I would most want to change is the seasonal affective disorder.

However, I think that I would not. It has taught me quite a lot. It has also made me much stronger, and much better at handling emotional distress and irrationality.

Although, it would be nice to not have to fix up my sentence structure so other people can read it! *shrug* Not sure if I'd change it, though, because I don't know what other effects on my brain changing that would have...

Comments

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

i don't think i would change anything that i *chose*

huge parts of who i am come out of other people's awful choices.

Yes. Which is why it always surprises me when I realize that I wouldn't change things.

But the thing is, as stated above, it feels wrong to me to be thinking of what I would do if I knew what I do now, because there's no way I could.

Instead, I think about what else I could have done, being who I was at the time. And... I certainly couldn't have escaped the possible (not certain) abuse as a child (how does one escape one's family, when one has no idea of what else ought to be happening?).

And... the rape that I went through would only have been something I would not have had happen if I already was listening to my instincts about people consistently. Which, well, I think that was a distinctly upfront lesson in...

So... yeah. I dunno.

If I _did_ somehow have the ability to know the things I do now, then, I still would not change things. Because I like me. But it's _so_ much more difficult to stay with what I had happen to me, that way.

And I _don't_ have any physical manifestations of any of the crap that has happened to me (no physical ailments that are something I haven't had as long as I can remember; no one I've known well and loved has died much too early). So I can certainly see how it'd be difficult to know...

Interesting mental excercise...

[catya.livejournal.com]

interesting indeed.

i was assuming that anyone who would ask this sort of question is someone who had NOT had awful rape or abuse stuff in their life. To me it's an intensely painful train of thought to go through, because of those things.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Mmm. Well, a) I don't know if I _have_ had abuse or not, but I know my siblings did. My memory of my childhood is more or less useless.

And... the rape (by someone I knew, and not by a random stranger) was horrible, in that it thoroughly destroyed my willingness to trust anyone for a _long_ time.

But... it bothers me more to ignore memories, and let them eat at me. Also, I appear to have finally managed to get through my head that the rape _was not my fault_. Which makes it much less painful to handle, although it'll never be a _good_ or _easy_ memory.

[echospiralheart.livejournal.com]

Even those raped have this train of thought, and still wouldn't go back and change it.