(no subject)

[wispfox]

"I can't leave because I don't know what he/she'd do without me."

This is, by far, one of the most insidious things I've ever run into. And, mind you, I've fallen prey to it before - but, I vowed once I left, never again.

The thing that confuses me right now is this: How does this make any sense? They must have gotten along reasonably well without you, before you were in their life, or they'd not be around for you to get involved with. No?

And, if they are physically unable to take care of themselves, is that really your responsibility? Especially if they are using their helplessness as a weapon (which is what the whole "I can't leave because I don't know what he/she'd do without me" is all _about_). Did you really volunteer for this? Unless someone is your child, and perhaps not even then if they are old enough to take care of themselves, there is nothing that says you _have_ to take care of them. Especially at the cost of yourself. I _know_ I sound heartless and cruel, but the problem is, this whole concept only works because people can be guilted into things.

Do things because you _want_ to, not because someone else wants you to (these don't have to be mutually exclusive! Sometimes I will want to do something because it'll make someone else happy - but that's different than a case where the _only_ reason is because they want you to). I don't care _what_ you (generic - all 'you' in here is generic) do if you choose it. But don't do things because you feel like you must. That is not a good reason, except in a case where it leads toward a goal of yours - in which case, again, you _have_ chosen it.

*shakes head* OK, I'm not sure how much sense I'm making, since I was in the middle of bills when this thought hijacked my brain. Irritating hijacking thoughts...

Comments

[australian-joe.livejournal.com]

"I can't leave because [X]" gives me the heeby-jeebies no matter what the "X" is.

I want anyone involved with me to always feel "able" to leave me. What a horrible idea, thinking that someone's staying with me when they don't want to!!

This was one of my early motivations for poly, actually. I didn't want any sense of someone staying with me because they were worried they wouldn't get someone else, or that I was their only chance, or as good as it got, or whatever.

I want someone to be with me solely because that's what they want. It's why I'm uncomfortable supporting someone - not because I have an issue with me spending money to help them, but because I worry they'll feel an additional reason not to leave.

So as bad as it is to be the recipient of this, imagine how much worse it must be to be the one doing it - and seeing it work. [shiver]

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

"I can't leave because [X]" gives me the heeby-jeebies no matter what the "X" is.

True. Very, very true. And ditto.

What a horrible idea, thinking that someone's staying with me when they don't want to!!

Yes. Want to be wanted, not be an obligation!

It's why I'm uncomfortable supporting someone - not because I have an issue with me spending money to help them, but because I worry they'll feel an additional reason not to leave.

Indeed. I can completely understand that rational.

So as bad as it is to be the recipient of this, imagine how much worse it must be to be the one doing it - and seeing it work.

Yes... but from what I can tell, the ones who do it and see it work seem to not think they can get/keep someone without doing it... Although, I'm not sure I've ever been close enough to anyone who did something like that to know that from anything other than observation or hearsay.

[doubleyou.livejournal.com]

It makes perfect sense. I just got out of relationship a lot like that, where I felt like I was being expected to take care of the other person, if not physically or financially, then at least emotionally. It was too much for me to handle, and still have the time and energy left over to take care of my own needs and desires. When you're being made to feel guilty for taking some self-time, just to read a book or do something with a hobby, without the other person, then you know something is wrong. I'm tempted to give more examples, but I could be here all night.

By the way, I hope you don't mind that I just added you. I think I found you in redheads, but I'm not sure now.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

By the way, I hope you don't mind that I just added you.

I don't mind. I doubt it was in redheads, because I've never heard of that community before.

I may or may not add you _back_, however. :)

[lerryn.livejournal.com]

It does make sense to me, because I'm dating someone who's disabled and in a roller-coaster relationship with her primary partner. I finally found that I had to let go of the sensation of having to stay with her or I wouldn't be able to enjoy the relationship for what it was and what got me dating her in the first place. runnerwolf's fire ceremonies are good for dealing with issues like that.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

let go of the sensation of having to stay with her or I wouldn't be able to enjoy the relationship for what it was and what got me dating her in the first place.

Yes. Yes, indeed.

[echospiralheart.livejournal.com]

I can relate to that too. I remember this past february when my friend said to me that she would not ask me to come be with her because then it would have been an obligation. But by my offering and her saying it was okay ... it was my decision ... something I wanted to do. Interesting ... either way, I would have gone ... but it so does make a difference that it is a choice.

[catya.livejournal.com]

i'm not sure if this will be useful or not, and feel free to share it with the PiQ (person/s in question).

I spent a LOT of time being aware of how much leaving him was going to rip up macthud. It wasn't "what will he do if i leave him", which is just pointless - it was "given how miserable this will be for him, what do i need to do in order to feel like i have given him a real chance to shift things? what do i need to do to feel like i haven't made a selfish choice and dodged hard work, but a healthy one? what do i need to do to feel like i have done enough?"

those are the more important questions, really - what needs to shift in order to be happy in the relationship, and how much is enough chance to give the other person to shift it.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

feel free to share it with the PiQ (person/s in question).

Oddly, that random post was _not_ sparked by anyone in particular. I've just run into it often in my life thus far, and it's never failed to confuse/worry/etc me.

All of that said, your response might have managed to spark a few things in my head that weren't there before. So thank you. :) (might have because it's still being processed)

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

One case I've seen was when one of my friends was dating a rather unstable girl... who was making him even more unstable. And worse, her parents knew about it and "expected/thought" that he would continue supporting her.

I think he got out of that relationship... or at least I haven't heard him whining about it... *crosses fingers*

But I also think that some people are just emotional masochists, who want to be used as pillars of support. Forever. Hard habit to break, in friendship or a relationship.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

some people are just emotional masochists, who want to be used as pillars of support. Forever. Hard habit to break, in friendship or a relationship.

Yes.

And note, this was the reason that _I_ stayed as long as I did, oh so very long ago. Because I _did_ feel needed, and I felt like leaving was breaking both implicit and explicit promises (even though they tended to be agreed to in poor states of mind to make such promises). But my inability to settle got me to leave, finally, anyway. And it _is_ addictive - and dangerous - to be needed. Which is why I made myself that promise to never let it happen again.

I need most of my energy to take care of me - I _can't_ take care of me and someone else and not shortchange someone in the process.