(no subject)
Jun. 15th, 2004 10:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wispfox"I can't leave because I don't know what he/she'd do without me."
This is, by far, one of the most insidious things I've ever run into. And, mind you, I've fallen prey to it before - but, I vowed once I left, never again.
The thing that confuses me right now is this: How does this make any sense? They must have gotten along reasonably well without you, before you were in their life, or they'd not be around for you to get involved with. No?
And, if they are physically unable to take care of themselves, is that really your responsibility? Especially if they are using their helplessness as a weapon (which is what the whole "I can't leave because I don't know what he/she'd do without me" is all _about_). Did you really volunteer for this? Unless someone is your child, and perhaps not even then if they are old enough to take care of themselves, there is nothing that says you _have_ to take care of them. Especially at the cost of yourself. I _know_ I sound heartless and cruel, but the problem is, this whole concept only works because people can be guilted into things.
Do things because you _want_ to, not because someone else wants you to (these don't have to be mutually exclusive! Sometimes I will want to do something because it'll make someone else happy - but that's different than a case where the _only_ reason is because they want you to). I don't care _what_ you (generic - all 'you' in here is generic) do if you choose it. But don't do things because you feel like you must. That is not a good reason, except in a case where it leads toward a goal of yours - in which case, again, you _have_ chosen it.
*shakes head* OK, I'm not sure how much sense I'm making, since I was in the middle of bills when this thought hijacked my brain. Irritating hijacking thoughts...
This is, by far, one of the most insidious things I've ever run into. And, mind you, I've fallen prey to it before - but, I vowed once I left, never again.
The thing that confuses me right now is this: How does this make any sense? They must have gotten along reasonably well without you, before you were in their life, or they'd not be around for you to get involved with. No?
And, if they are physically unable to take care of themselves, is that really your responsibility? Especially if they are using their helplessness as a weapon (which is what the whole "I can't leave because I don't know what he/she'd do without me" is all _about_). Did you really volunteer for this? Unless someone is your child, and perhaps not even then if they are old enough to take care of themselves, there is nothing that says you _have_ to take care of them. Especially at the cost of yourself. I _know_ I sound heartless and cruel, but the problem is, this whole concept only works because people can be guilted into things.
Do things because you _want_ to, not because someone else wants you to (these don't have to be mutually exclusive! Sometimes I will want to do something because it'll make someone else happy - but that's different than a case where the _only_ reason is because they want you to). I don't care _what_ you (generic - all 'you' in here is generic) do if you choose it. But don't do things because you feel like you must. That is not a good reason, except in a case where it leads toward a goal of yours - in which case, again, you _have_ chosen it.
*shakes head* OK, I'm not sure how much sense I'm making, since I was in the middle of bills when this thought hijacked my brain. Irritating hijacking thoughts...
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no subject
Date: 2004-06-16 02:41 am (UTC)I want anyone involved with me to always feel "able" to leave me. What a horrible idea, thinking that someone's staying with me when they don't want to!!
This was one of my early motivations for poly, actually. I didn't want any sense of someone staying with me because they were worried they wouldn't get someone else, or that I was their only chance, or as good as it got, or whatever.
I want someone to be with me solely because that's what they want. It's why I'm uncomfortable supporting someone - not because I have an issue with me spending money to help them, but because I worry they'll feel an additional reason not to leave.
So as bad as it is to be the recipient of this, imagine how much worse it must be to be the one doing it - and seeing it work. [shiver]
no subject
Date: 2004-06-16 01:50 pm (UTC)True. Very, very true. And ditto.
What a horrible idea, thinking that someone's staying with me when they don't want to!!
Yes. Want to be wanted, not be an obligation!
It's why I'm uncomfortable supporting someone - not because I have an issue with me spending money to help them, but because I worry they'll feel an additional reason not to leave.
Indeed. I can completely understand that rational.
So as bad as it is to be the recipient of this, imagine how much worse it must be to be the one doing it - and seeing it work.
Yes... but from what I can tell, the ones who do it and see it work seem to not think they can get/keep someone without doing it... Although, I'm not sure I've ever been close enough to anyone who did something like that to know that from anything other than observation or hearsay.