(no subject)
Jun. 15th, 2004 10:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wispfox"I can't leave because I don't know what he/she'd do without me."
This is, by far, one of the most insidious things I've ever run into. And, mind you, I've fallen prey to it before - but, I vowed once I left, never again.
The thing that confuses me right now is this: How does this make any sense? They must have gotten along reasonably well without you, before you were in their life, or they'd not be around for you to get involved with. No?
And, if they are physically unable to take care of themselves, is that really your responsibility? Especially if they are using their helplessness as a weapon (which is what the whole "I can't leave because I don't know what he/she'd do without me" is all _about_). Did you really volunteer for this? Unless someone is your child, and perhaps not even then if they are old enough to take care of themselves, there is nothing that says you _have_ to take care of them. Especially at the cost of yourself. I _know_ I sound heartless and cruel, but the problem is, this whole concept only works because people can be guilted into things.
Do things because you _want_ to, not because someone else wants you to (these don't have to be mutually exclusive! Sometimes I will want to do something because it'll make someone else happy - but that's different than a case where the _only_ reason is because they want you to). I don't care _what_ you (generic - all 'you' in here is generic) do if you choose it. But don't do things because you feel like you must. That is not a good reason, except in a case where it leads toward a goal of yours - in which case, again, you _have_ chosen it.
*shakes head* OK, I'm not sure how much sense I'm making, since I was in the middle of bills when this thought hijacked my brain. Irritating hijacking thoughts...
This is, by far, one of the most insidious things I've ever run into. And, mind you, I've fallen prey to it before - but, I vowed once I left, never again.
The thing that confuses me right now is this: How does this make any sense? They must have gotten along reasonably well without you, before you were in their life, or they'd not be around for you to get involved with. No?
And, if they are physically unable to take care of themselves, is that really your responsibility? Especially if they are using their helplessness as a weapon (which is what the whole "I can't leave because I don't know what he/she'd do without me" is all _about_). Did you really volunteer for this? Unless someone is your child, and perhaps not even then if they are old enough to take care of themselves, there is nothing that says you _have_ to take care of them. Especially at the cost of yourself. I _know_ I sound heartless and cruel, but the problem is, this whole concept only works because people can be guilted into things.
Do things because you _want_ to, not because someone else wants you to (these don't have to be mutually exclusive! Sometimes I will want to do something because it'll make someone else happy - but that's different than a case where the _only_ reason is because they want you to). I don't care _what_ you (generic - all 'you' in here is generic) do if you choose it. But don't do things because you feel like you must. That is not a good reason, except in a case where it leads toward a goal of yours - in which case, again, you _have_ chosen it.
*shakes head* OK, I'm not sure how much sense I'm making, since I was in the middle of bills when this thought hijacked my brain. Irritating hijacking thoughts...
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no subject
Date: 2004-06-16 01:53 pm (UTC)Yes.
And note, this was the reason that _I_ stayed as long as I did, oh so very long ago. Because I _did_ feel needed, and I felt like leaving was breaking both implicit and explicit promises (even though they tended to be agreed to in poor states of mind to make such promises). But my inability to settle got me to leave, finally, anyway. And it _is_ addictive - and dangerous - to be needed. Which is why I made myself that promise to never let it happen again.
I need most of my energy to take care of me - I _can't_ take care of me and someone else and not shortchange someone in the process.