(no subject)
Jun. 15th, 2004 10:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wispfox"I can't leave because I don't know what he/she'd do without me."
This is, by far, one of the most insidious things I've ever run into. And, mind you, I've fallen prey to it before - but, I vowed once I left, never again.
The thing that confuses me right now is this: How does this make any sense? They must have gotten along reasonably well without you, before you were in their life, or they'd not be around for you to get involved with. No?
And, if they are physically unable to take care of themselves, is that really your responsibility? Especially if they are using their helplessness as a weapon (which is what the whole "I can't leave because I don't know what he/she'd do without me" is all _about_). Did you really volunteer for this? Unless someone is your child, and perhaps not even then if they are old enough to take care of themselves, there is nothing that says you _have_ to take care of them. Especially at the cost of yourself. I _know_ I sound heartless and cruel, but the problem is, this whole concept only works because people can be guilted into things.
Do things because you _want_ to, not because someone else wants you to (these don't have to be mutually exclusive! Sometimes I will want to do something because it'll make someone else happy - but that's different than a case where the _only_ reason is because they want you to). I don't care _what_ you (generic - all 'you' in here is generic) do if you choose it. But don't do things because you feel like you must. That is not a good reason, except in a case where it leads toward a goal of yours - in which case, again, you _have_ chosen it.
*shakes head* OK, I'm not sure how much sense I'm making, since I was in the middle of bills when this thought hijacked my brain. Irritating hijacking thoughts...
This is, by far, one of the most insidious things I've ever run into. And, mind you, I've fallen prey to it before - but, I vowed once I left, never again.
The thing that confuses me right now is this: How does this make any sense? They must have gotten along reasonably well without you, before you were in their life, or they'd not be around for you to get involved with. No?
And, if they are physically unable to take care of themselves, is that really your responsibility? Especially if they are using their helplessness as a weapon (which is what the whole "I can't leave because I don't know what he/she'd do without me" is all _about_). Did you really volunteer for this? Unless someone is your child, and perhaps not even then if they are old enough to take care of themselves, there is nothing that says you _have_ to take care of them. Especially at the cost of yourself. I _know_ I sound heartless and cruel, but the problem is, this whole concept only works because people can be guilted into things.
Do things because you _want_ to, not because someone else wants you to (these don't have to be mutually exclusive! Sometimes I will want to do something because it'll make someone else happy - but that's different than a case where the _only_ reason is because they want you to). I don't care _what_ you (generic - all 'you' in here is generic) do if you choose it. But don't do things because you feel like you must. That is not a good reason, except in a case where it leads toward a goal of yours - in which case, again, you _have_ chosen it.
*shakes head* OK, I'm not sure how much sense I'm making, since I was in the middle of bills when this thought hijacked my brain. Irritating hijacking thoughts...
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-06-16 11:26 am (UTC)I spent a LOT of time being aware of how much leaving him was going to rip up
those are the more important questions, really - what needs to shift in order to be happy in the relationship, and how much is enough chance to give the other person to shift it.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-16 01:43 pm (UTC)Oddly, that random post was _not_ sparked by anyone in particular. I've just run into it often in my life thus far, and it's never failed to confuse/worry/etc me.
All of that said, your response might have managed to spark a few things in my head that weren't there before. So thank you. :) (might have because it's still being processed)