life lessons, attempted write-up
May. 20th, 2004 10:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wispfoxSomeone I read is writing about poly life lessons, and it's starting to ping my brain to write something similar. Except I don't seem to be able to figure out life lessons that are specifically _poly_, in my head. Which is sorta confusing, really. Relationship-specific, yes. But poly? Hmm. Might be because being poly is so strongly part of who I am. (which is funny, considering how hard I tried to be monogamous, most of my life. Poorly, I might add.) (yes, I also _talk_ in parentheticals)
Let me see...
-If there is something that I want to say or do which continues to be in my head more than a day later, I should say or do it. Letting things fester in my head is _bad_ for me, and unkind to those whom it might affect. It's also proven very rare (perhaps never?) that anyone's reactions are ever as bad as I had imagined them to be when I didn't say things when they are verbalized enough to do so.
-I can't date people who don't know themselves well enough to stand up for what they want, if they believe it goes against what someone else wants (yes, I _do_ realize that this means I could not date myself from a couple years ago - I'm frankly amazed anyone healthy and secure in themselves was willing/able to do so! But I am thankful for it, because I would not have known what was missing in myself, otherwise). I need too strongly to be able to trust that people will tell me if something I am doing or not doing is a problem, as I cannot consistantly rely on my own ability to realize that there is a problem.
-I cannot handle my close relationships (friends, or otherwise) with other people being hidden. If a relationship I have with someone is being hidden by them from those people who ought to know, there is a problem. I'm _terrible_ at hiding things (because I don't _like_ to!), that lack of honesty/openness is painful for me, and that kind of relationship is entirely without certainty.
-It really _is_ reasonable to expect to be able to find friends and lovers who not only accept me, but _like_ that I am who I am. And it is possible to find people who actively enjoy all of who I am. Rare, but possible.
-It's ok to ask for what my spirit needs to remain healthy and whole. People who are able/willing to tell me when they can't offer what I am asking for at that point in time reinforce this belief _immesurably_. Because it means I can trust that, when they accept, they _want_ to, and aren't doing it because of my need.
-I cannot, simply _cannot_, be someone's sole means of support. More generally, I refuse to take more than temporary/partial responsibility for another person's life. I am willing to help, within my ability, but I will not take on the responsibility. (yes, I do realize this means I shouldn't have kids. I don't want them anyway, for a variety of reasons)
-I should not try to handle major decisions/changes if I am in a compromised mental/emotional state (exhausted, aroused, angry, drugged, etc), or if I have not had the opportunity to figure out my own thoughts on the matter. I _can_ do it, if absolutely necessary, but it costs me a lot. And I will question the decision. And I will resent whomever felt that they had to have an answer _right_ _then_.
-Breaking a promise will cause me pain. So will having to retract it. Therefore, I must make promises only very, very rarely, and only when I _know_ I can keep them. There have been times when I could not keep them, whether because the promise I made was not what I understood it to be, because I changed too much to sanely stick to it, or because the person I made the promise to changed too much - but it's hell for me to have to retract a promise. And I am _very_ _very_ careful to not make implied promises - they are not _as_ difficult, but they are still painful for me to retract. It's part of why I'm _so_ verbal about things which could imply promises made.
-I really need to _listen_ to my instincts, no matter how far off from reality they appear to be. They have yet to be proven wrong...
-My safety and security need to come from inside myself, not from an external source. Otherwise, external sources can take it away again.
[edit: I'm going to just keep adding them...]
-There is no one I can control other than myself, and no one else can know all of what I need or want.
Note: many/most of these are also statements on what I want from people I am close to (and no, I _don't_ claim I necessarily succeed in following the things above).
Only promise things you can stick to.
Tell me the things I need to know, sooner, rather than later - and when possible, include me in decision-making that affects me. (When possible, because I know that I take a while to find words for things, and longer yet to find the _right_ words for things. So it can sometimes take a while, and may feel like one is not being included. I make an effort to start talking when I have words at all, and to make sure that people know they may not be the whole picture, or the _right_ words)
Get to know yourself, and stay true to that self - this is an ongoing process, in my experience.
Ask me for help if you need it, but be aware that I may not always be able to help. I will do my best to offer help if I can tell you need it, and have the energy and ability.
Be honest with yourself, so you can be honest with everyone else.
Let me see...
-If there is something that I want to say or do which continues to be in my head more than a day later, I should say or do it. Letting things fester in my head is _bad_ for me, and unkind to those whom it might affect. It's also proven very rare (perhaps never?) that anyone's reactions are ever as bad as I had imagined them to be when I didn't say things when they are verbalized enough to do so.
-I can't date people who don't know themselves well enough to stand up for what they want, if they believe it goes against what someone else wants (yes, I _do_ realize that this means I could not date myself from a couple years ago - I'm frankly amazed anyone healthy and secure in themselves was willing/able to do so! But I am thankful for it, because I would not have known what was missing in myself, otherwise). I need too strongly to be able to trust that people will tell me if something I am doing or not doing is a problem, as I cannot consistantly rely on my own ability to realize that there is a problem.
-I cannot handle my close relationships (friends, or otherwise) with other people being hidden. If a relationship I have with someone is being hidden by them from those people who ought to know, there is a problem. I'm _terrible_ at hiding things (because I don't _like_ to!), that lack of honesty/openness is painful for me, and that kind of relationship is entirely without certainty.
-It really _is_ reasonable to expect to be able to find friends and lovers who not only accept me, but _like_ that I am who I am. And it is possible to find people who actively enjoy all of who I am. Rare, but possible.
-It's ok to ask for what my spirit needs to remain healthy and whole. People who are able/willing to tell me when they can't offer what I am asking for at that point in time reinforce this belief _immesurably_. Because it means I can trust that, when they accept, they _want_ to, and aren't doing it because of my need.
-I cannot, simply _cannot_, be someone's sole means of support. More generally, I refuse to take more than temporary/partial responsibility for another person's life. I am willing to help, within my ability, but I will not take on the responsibility. (yes, I do realize this means I shouldn't have kids. I don't want them anyway, for a variety of reasons)
-I should not try to handle major decisions/changes if I am in a compromised mental/emotional state (exhausted, aroused, angry, drugged, etc), or if I have not had the opportunity to figure out my own thoughts on the matter. I _can_ do it, if absolutely necessary, but it costs me a lot. And I will question the decision. And I will resent whomever felt that they had to have an answer _right_ _then_.
-Breaking a promise will cause me pain. So will having to retract it. Therefore, I must make promises only very, very rarely, and only when I _know_ I can keep them. There have been times when I could not keep them, whether because the promise I made was not what I understood it to be, because I changed too much to sanely stick to it, or because the person I made the promise to changed too much - but it's hell for me to have to retract a promise. And I am _very_ _very_ careful to not make implied promises - they are not _as_ difficult, but they are still painful for me to retract. It's part of why I'm _so_ verbal about things which could imply promises made.
-I really need to _listen_ to my instincts, no matter how far off from reality they appear to be. They have yet to be proven wrong...
-My safety and security need to come from inside myself, not from an external source. Otherwise, external sources can take it away again.
[edit: I'm going to just keep adding them...]
-There is no one I can control other than myself, and no one else can know all of what I need or want.
Note: many/most of these are also statements on what I want from people I am close to (and no, I _don't_ claim I necessarily succeed in following the things above).
Only promise things you can stick to.
Tell me the things I need to know, sooner, rather than later - and when possible, include me in decision-making that affects me. (When possible, because I know that I take a while to find words for things, and longer yet to find the _right_ words for things. So it can sometimes take a while, and may feel like one is not being included. I make an effort to start talking when I have words at all, and to make sure that people know they may not be the whole picture, or the _right_ words)
Get to know yourself, and stay true to that self - this is an ongoing process, in my experience.
Ask me for help if you need it, but be aware that I may not always be able to help. I will do my best to offer help if I can tell you need it, and have the energy and ability.
Be honest with yourself, so you can be honest with everyone else.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Thanks!
Date: 2004-05-20 08:25 pm (UTC)So many of these speak to the lessons I have learned/ am continuing to learn in my life. The hardest of these for me to learn has been the:
"-I cannot, simply _cannot_, be someone's sole means of support." lesson.
I have been in that kind of relationship and it is a hard expectation to deal with, and harder still to let go of.
no subject
Date: 2004-05-20 08:37 pm (UTC)