wispfox

What if fireflies only look like bugs when you get really close because they don't want you to know that they are fairies with glowsticks?

Or if the ghost plant really _is_ where fairies dance, and they light up oh so slightly when you aren't looking?

Maybe the wind and everything it moves - leaves, clouds, birds - are playing, dancing, putting on a show. How do you know they aren't?

Maybe rivers are talking to you as they rush past and yet stay where they are, or singing, or laughing. Maybe they're tickling the creatures which live in them, seeing if they can make them giggle.

Sometimes I need to be reminded to play, to stop being so stuck in what's likely or realistic or expected, to enjoy swingsets and trees and clouds and wind. Sometimes 'let's pretend' is the most important game I can play, no matter what I call it.

I've never been sure if it matters if energy work, astral travel, things like that are real or not, if they are useful tools or ways of thinking about things. If they have good effects, if they calm me.

I ground, I center. Why? Because if I don't, I lose my calm and can't get it back again.

Sometimes I wander around the insides of my mind, or maybe the insides of the astral plane. I don't care if it's real or not, although that was a very difficult thing to come to agreement with myself on, because it _helps_ me. Maybe it's a form of meditation, although that's not what I would call it.

As a child, I would sing to the creek in the backyard, because it was singing, too. I can remember long duets, although I remember no notes nor words. I still talk to and hug trees, and when I forget how to ground, they can help me to do so. Birds in flight, especially swallows and swifts, look like they are having so much _fun_, even though they are also hunting for their food. And maybe they are.

Silence and stillness help me to see what's around me, rather than just moving quickly through it. I'm no longer passing through, I'm part of things, and that's important to me. It's far too easy to forget to look, forget to listen, forget why it's so important to me to do so. And then I'm unhappy and I don't know why. I think this may be why I am so insistent on sharing bits of beauty and amusement with people when I notice them. Because I forget to look, so other people likely do, too.

This entry most probably brought to you by some combination of creating a Changeling character and attempting to start work on grad school essays. Also perhaps a certain amount of lack of sleep.

This post _really_ wanted to be a complainy post. But I refuse!

Instead!

I had gaming again Friday night which was great fun. And eventually I will adjust to playing in a D&D mindset *with* people (most of my D&D-ish experience has been computer games). :)

And there was much time with metahacker and galaneia, with a brief sighting of hfcougar. And I now have Demolition Man and Hot Fuzz trying to combine themselves into a single thing in my head, which made for _really_ odd dreams last night.

Saw devoken for the first time in a while, which was also good.

Grocery shopping and snuggling with jasra was good, as was my call with australian_joe who I did in fact nearly fall asleep on the phone with a couple of times.

I am now a prime number again. This is a pleasing thing.

Many brief conversations with family due to the aforementioned becoming a prime again, which was nice. Even if one of them had the poor timing to call 5 minutes before my call with australian_joe. :)

Many people volunteered to help me with my homework, and there were enough woman that I did not have to start emailing every woman I know. :)

Lots of cuddling, very good. And I shall see my 8-month-pregnant sister, her husband, and her daughter this weekend, to which I shall be _driving_, not commuter-railing.

Tomorrow I hope to sleep until a reasonable time in the morning after going to bed at a reasonable time, to have a reasonably productive day at work, to be reasonably pain-free, and to have a good evening with metahacker. ('reasonable' is apparently my word for the day)

And in a system I'm familiar with, but have rarely (never?) played off a computer (D&D).

Yay!

Self, if you spend a weekend during which large portion involve you needing to interpret spoken communication which is often confusing or complex, you _will_ be very drained by the end. Especially if you're not getting enough sleep.

Sometimes I think you forget that conversation, especially if spoken conversation, is _already_ effort for you. Worse yet if you have to actively translate what is being said.

That said, it _was_ a good game. Just... draining past the point of being sufficiently aware of just _how_ draining.

Next time? Good plan to have your character speak the common language, as that would have been worse. But be _really_ careful with the ability to speak with animals. It's right for your character, but your player cannot necesarily cope with that, plus a party member whose spoken language isn't quite fluent, plus general high levels of attention required by gaming.

Buh. Brain still hurts.

I appear to no longer be able to a) sleep more than 7 (sometimes 8) hours a night, b) sleep much past 6 or 7am. This is irritating, and means that even _with_ the ativan, I am chronically underslept. Meh. I suspect possibly the fact that it's going toward winter, but am unsure. This makes my wrists more cranky than they had been being, also. And seriously increases my distractablity and reduces my ability to remember where tangents _came_ from.

Gaming while feverish is rather entertaining. Then again, gaming is entertaining, and I've not gamed (tabletop) for 3 (?) years. And not played World of Warcraft for probably 1.5 years, due to wrists. Gaming good. Gaming as an alternate version of myself is, however, somewhat confusing. Especially while feverish. But spontaneously no longer being able to fall is fascinating (and perplexing)! And yes, it can completely distract me from the fact that, hey, we're in the middle of an emergency, here! Also? Trying to put significant (but not complete) face blindness into gaming terms is entertaining (no, really. I won't have been able to recognize that person yet. I think I gave up on trying to make sure that was clear, because it eventually got annoying to explain. It's bad enough to have to explain to everyone I meet for the first, second, and often third time that I won't recognize them, won't remember their name, and probably won't remember _them_ later).

It's funny, but true, that when my parents visit, it is highly likely that at least some of the time will be spent with me attempting to explain something about my mother's computer to her. Even though it's running Windows. Which I don't run. And I get impatient with trying to explain what to do (especially when underslept!), so use my hands more than I ought, on weekends. Bad me. No cookie! (at least being sick meant I didn't drive to work on Friday)

Now I know why my mind was being so insistent about my need to process on the weekend. My life apparently has entirely too much in flux right now, and very little opportunity for things to be in a known, reasonably stable state (both in my job and socially).

I believe this because I'm in a much more stable mental state today than I have been in a while, and it feels like it's related to having had _something_ resolve, even if it was in my character's life and not my own. I don't quite know what to do with this knowledge, but it feels important.


For at least the past three or four days, every time I've thought to check what the music playing in my head was, it has been Magic, the song I have known for much of my life, and which I sang in this phone post. Another thing which feels important, but I don't know why.

My brain isn't doing a very good job with putting puzzle pieces together today...

The quote that was teasing my brain on the way home:

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
-Mark Twain


Somehow seems appropriate, since I'm spending the weekend gaming with people I've mostly never met before (one of the other players, I've apparently met multiple times, and the GM I'd met once. And did not remember at _all_, unsurprisingly, considering my track record for such things). Has been good, thus far. :)

Good GMs make me happy. I knew they existed, of course, but have never played a game w/such a one.

Also, I'm _really_ glad I brought veggies and fruit, because otherwise I'd probably be suffering the results of not eating even remotely sanely today.

Sleep now. Yes.