[brains, social.relationships]

[wispfox]

(posting because I want it in writing for later reference, since I only just managed to put words around it)

I have trouble with being grouped socially if it's not obvious that there is awareness of the uniqueness of the individuals being grouped. Interpersonal examples of this include not seeming to care which person within said group one talks to or spends time with.

I kinda wonder if this relates at all to why I really don't like being a part of groups which are formed solely on a single attribute. (I tend to hang out on fringes of social groups in general, so I doubt it's the entire reason)

[edit: because you people want an example.

Something like an unexpected phone call, with the caller stating a lack of caring as to which of the residents they talk to. No matter who the caller is, or why they called, that'll make me immediately not want to talk to them.]

Comments

[ms-violet.livejournal.com]

I hate that stuff too. My new workplace seems overly divided by gender and age, but not by actual interest. All the "boys" have too much sports paraphrenalia on their desks. All the "girls" have sorority pictures and wedding pictures on their desks.

I plan on decorating my desk with Legos. Lots and lots of legos.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Mmm. Legos...

Yes. This is one such example of things I don't cope well with, although less... specific than that which made me think of it.

[3smallishmagi.livejournal.com]

Can you give real examples? The made up examples I can think of are "You won a prize! Your prize is an evening with one of the miss world finalists." or "Anyone want to go hiking with me this weekend?" or the primorial feminist button: "I'd sleep with her!" upon seeing a photo. Or "Oh! You're one of the psinging people. Neat!" or "The Slashdot crowd." or ...

I saw Superman II last weekend. It was wonderful. I'd recommend seeing it if you're interested in {historical anthropology?} Watching five minutes of it, you could date it quite well (I guessed 1979 instead of 1980.) It was one of those movies with little social sophistication and so played the current social stereotypes exactly. silenceleigh would not come in to the room while it was still playing.

I wonder if that's at all related.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Example:

Unexpected phone call, commenting that said person did not care which of the people who lived there was spoken to.

Not caring will almost certainly make me immediately not want to talk to them, no matter who it is, or why they called.

La!

[psongster.livejournal.com]

I think what turns me off there is the generic nature of the neediness. "I want to talk with someone and I don't care who, but you will do."

On the other hand, I've sometimes called a household with different specific things I want to talk about with each person, but not caring about the order, and on a superficial analysis that could create the same effect.

And Randy and I do have some mutual friends who sometimes call to talk with whomever answers the phone, in a way that feels quite right and appropriate.

[elissaann.livejournal.com]

Ouch! I can think of one of two situations where that would be okay (a noice complaint, an invitation to the entire house), but otherwise, I find that awful.

[leiacat.livejournal.com]

Quite. The only justifiable excuse for that one is "Hey, whichever of you picked up, could you check if I left my [whatever] in your house when I was last there?"

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Brief things, no problem.

Actual conversations? Problem. Specifying who one wants to talk to a good idea, in that case.

[elissaann.livejournal.com]

Yeah, yeah. All 20-somethings in the Boston area think that way!

(Ducks and runs)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

*snort*

Quite possibly!

Interestingly, your comment doesn't bother me in the same way. (still annoying, but not something I _expect_ to be specific to me. If that makes sense?)

[leiacat.livejournal.com]

I'll take what I can get, I think. If I fit into a group, and someone wishes to hang out with me as a member of it... well, it's not like I have much of anyone lining up to hang out with the unique and personal me.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

But...

'if someone wishes to hang out with me as a member of it' _does_ imply you being special ("with me as a member"), rather than they hanging out with te group, and you happen to be there.

No?

I note, though, that I gave an example above. :)

[psongster.livejournal.com]

I'm curious about examples too.

I think I'm fairly frequently in the mode of not caring much which members of a group I talk with, especially when I'm in host mode.

Take Thanksgiving, for example ... I like everybody there, and wanted to connect with each of them over the course of the evening, but the precise order didn't matter to me. As host, I focused more on keeping the group dynamics going smoothly, and on reaching out to someone if they seemed to feel a touch anxious or disconnected -- but motivated more by their/the group's need than by my personal preference.

Is this related to what you mean?

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Example exists (see edit to post)!

Also, host mode is a different thing, and is a case where I would expect that to be happening.

Hmm. Still struggling to put into words, so apparently I was not quite there yet. The words in the post are closer than I've gotten, but until I can explain it without an example, it's not close enough. :)

[the-xtina.livejournal.com]

Possible thing:

When someone is interested in me not as Xtina, and not as "We have common connection $thing, let's find out more!", but more like "We have common connection $thing, clearly we are friends!".

I dunno, that's always put me off.  (I haven't had a land line in ages and ages, so I don't have your example experience.)  Someone encountering me as, say, part of the poly crowd and assuming that of course I'll like them/agree with them/whatever because I'm Poly annoys me.  They're not seeing me, they're seeing a pseudopod of a group.  Brilliant.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Possible thing: Quite. That does, in fact, seriously annoy me.

Or, 'we all have this thing in common, therefore we must all like everyone else who has that, or must represent everyone who has that'. :)

I like the 'pseudopod of a group' phrasing. Yay!

[the-xtina.livejournal.com]

Oh GOD yeah, that too.  That's when I start getting creeped by clubs/groups/things formed around a single trait, honestly.  I'm treated as One Of $Group, both by outsiders and by group members.  It's why I like knowing polyfolk, Objectivists, Republicans, atheists, spiritual folk, and so forth, but not being An Anything.  I have enough assumptions, mine and others', to deal with without introducing a whole new set just because I (frinst) like to knit a whole lot.

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

I have LJ friends who arrived similarly, and want to be friendlylike, and we barely know each other, and probably never will.