[brains, N*E]

[wispfox]

How the _hell_ does anyone ever deal with 'oooh, shiny brain' and 'oooh, yummy person' at the SAME DAMN TIME?!

See, I usually have the 'neat person, must get to know them better' thing first, and the 'oooh wait, I'm actively attracted to them, _too_!' thing after I know someone reasonably well. So it's... seriously strange to have had them at the same time, immediately upon meeting a person, and I do _NOT_ have the toolset to deal with this (and, really, beyond doing a reasonable job of keeping it from leaking out all over everything - which I think I'm already doing an ok job with - I don't know that I _would_ be able to deal with this even with experience and practice).

And I'm vaguely amused by the 'hmm. Let's investigate something-ing with two different people at the same time; one I've known for a while, and one I haven't' thing I seem to be doing right now. Ah, the timing. ;)

*shakes head* Hey, at least I do a reasonable job of saying 'hey, I'm being ridiculous and I _know_ I am, but I want you to know what's in my head'. And I'm amusing the hell out of australian_joe and ladytabitha, I think...

Comments

[szasz.livejournal.com]

Really? I seem to recall a dizzying simultaneous experience of both "what a neat person" and "oh, no, I'm attracted to them" with both of my current partners. To me it always seemed like a good sign, to come at a relationship from both sides like that.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

I half wonder if the fact that I tend toward developing friendship before realizing attraction is simply self-defense, since this really does seriously confuse the hell out of me.

Really, though, I suspect that it's just that I rarely get a sense of someone quickly enough for immediate attraction beyond that they are fascinating in some way.

[szasz.livejournal.com]

Well, if so, it's not a bad defense mechanism. I was just talking with a much younger friend of mine about levels of trust necessary to actually act on physical attractions. It hadn't dawned on me that trust corresponding to the level of (risk/intimacy) that goes with a particular physical act is a measure of the safety and, hey, responsibility with which one conducts one's relationships, but of course that's exactly right.

I was reminded of earlier times when I was much less able to control how far I took sex, and of the thing that would happen repeatedly where I'd discover I sorta liked someone, to the point where I'd really want to make out with them, and so we would, but then things would amp up on the physical lust side and before I knew it we'd be actually HAVING SEX and then I would get really shy, or unsure, or unsafe, or some combination, and then things would get awkward and weird. I'm really just realizing now that it's possible to like someone at a level where smooching sounds really nice and seems totally appropriate, but not at a level where things need to go further.

[brynndragon.livejournal.com]

Well, for me it used to be pretty simple: you fall into bed with them a few hours after meeting them and then have an ongoing relationship that lasts for about 2 years, at which point they break your heart (usually by falling in love with someone else the slow way and falling out of love with you - the poly one did an interesting (!) variant on this theme which would take too long to discuss here). I really don't recommend this route, because the heartbreak at the end sucks badly. Hense I'm trying another more complex way of doing things that involves being cautious as all hell. The main reason it's working is because I tend to be more passive in terms of initiating things, so I feel really ackward about being active. I'm still not sure if it's the best path, but it does seem to be going OK.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

I note that I _already_ tend toward caution. Going slow is my default, and doesn't tend to come into play until _after_ I've already gotten to know someone reasonably well.

I'm actually going quite a bit _less_ slowly now. Amusingly, really...

[randysmith]

"Baaa!"? :-}

[ratatosk.livejournal.com]

Perhaps she has progressed to "Rocky Mountain Bighorn" or "Musk Ox"?

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

*snort* Right! I'm progressing through the hooved beasts!

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

I'm still not sure if it's the best path, but it does seem to be going OK.

Also, yay! ;)

[randysmith]

the poly one did an interesting (!) variant on this theme which would take too long to discuss here

If expression of a little bit of morbid curiousity would push you over the edge into a description, consider it expressed ... :-}

[brynndragon.livejournal.com]

He decided to stop sleeping with me rather than stop loving me. Just told me one day as he was heading out ther door, "I'm not sleeping with you anymore. Bye!" After 3 months of me trying to talk about it and him trying to avoid the subject, he managed to tell me that he had gone from non-hierarchical poly to his other chik becoming his primary without telling me, a month before his announcement. He also told me that he had stopped sleeping with me as a gift to her, without bothering to see how that might affect me. But he kept saying that he still loves me.

Obviously this is some definition of love that I was not previously aware of.

I'm still reeling from this episode, even though it's been about a year and a half since it happened.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Obviously this is some definition of love that I was not previously aware of.

Yeah. The one which doesn't apparently include the whole 'keep people in the loop, dammit!' concept.

*grumble* *growl*

[randysmith]

Owow. Yes, I can definitely see still reeling from that after a year and a half. That's pretty bad.

Two very similar but importantly different definitions of poly: a) "Cool, the rules don't apply to me anymore!", b) "Shit, I need to be noticably more careful to figure out my actions and their effects on others 'cause I can't rely on the rules to do it for me anymore". Arrggh.

[bluepapercup]

Hmm. Upon reflection, I'm not sure I've ever dated someone seriously who I *didn't* feel this combination for. It seems intuitive to me, the magic formula, really.

Interesting!

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Instantly, or at all?

I _do_ feel both, or I don't date people. It's just not usually... instant.

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

*nod*

I think I date so rarely for a number of different reasons, but largely because I've come to require both of these, and I like to have a sense both will last before I take a next step.

[randysmith]

If you figure it out, for Goddess' sake please let me know the secret! :-} but :-|

However, yes, when both happen at the same time, at the beginning, mutually, those have tended to be the good relationships.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I have to wonder if the fact that I tend to not have this happen is actually that I'm more aware of/willing to allow it now.

Because, if I look back on behavior... I can see that I probably _could_ have had it happen in every single strongly bonded case, and indeed might have if I'd been paying attention. (and probably did, if I look at things right...)

Hmm...

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

Well, we formed a friendship, then a few months later, decided to have a short-term fling.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Yeah, see, that's _totally_ how I usually work. Thus my immense confusion!

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

(ok, well, except that I tend to not tend toward short-term anythings)

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

It was *supposed* to be a fling. Note that fling started nine years ago, and we're on our way to your house right now. :P

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

*laugh* Yes, I realize all of this. I still don't tend to do flings, personally. ;)

[australian-joe.livejournal.com]

It does amuse me, yes. Greatly.

For me, the way it works is that I can have many paths of attraction to someone, but once I get past a certain threshold, suddenly all of of them are activated.

ie. once I find someone's brain sufficiently shiny, I want their body. However not the other way around - I've definitely jumped in bed with people on short acquaintance but I don't think I've fallen in love with them.

[thinks]

I *have* been strictly LD text with someone, meet them for the first time in person and then soon be fucking them madly (fastest time, 1h15m). Actually every time I've done that it's worked out well. I've been partner-level in love with a couple of them.

Lately I'm moving a lot more slowly. I think it's making for less stress and drama, and actually isn't costing me all that much in terms of impatience. Maybe this is that maturity thing I've been hearing about all my life.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

It does amuse me, yes. Greatly.

*nod* The 'I think' was probably more aimed at ladytabitha, as I'm not sure if that was amusement or not. :)

Maybe this is that maturity thing I've been hearing about all my life.

*snort* Just as long as maturity doesn't spontaneously make you stop being silly!