[brains] Shyness in other people

[wispfox]

So, I have a really difficult time remembering that most (all?) the people I have been or am close to think of themselves as shy, because they either have never been shy at me (that I could pick up on) or were shy around me in a situation that I can't imagine anyone ever _not_ being shy in.

I have frequently been informed that I make it easy to not be shy around me (or perhaps at me). I don't really understand this, though.

I mean, yeah - I probably would not notice anyone (to a degree where I remember them later, at least) who was being highly shy at me, so that'll automatically select out such people. But... there are some people who tell me they are shy who, when I first met them, were being _anything_ but shy. (my roommate is one such example)

I do wonder if it relates to the fact that I may not behave appropriately around people who are being shy, if I have sufficient social energy that I am not myself being shy - perhaps because I may not pick up on it? And, well, I'm sufficiently random that I will share interestings observations with anyone who happens to be nearby... which might give shy people an opening with which to interact with me? And, well, people doing sufficiently interesting things is likely to cause me to just start talking to them about it.

I don't know. I don't get it! Yet another thing I should figure out how to bottle up and sell - the defusing of shyness that I apparently exude.

Anyone happen to be able to explain this to me?

Comments

[randysmith]

(I haven't read the other posts, so I don't know if I'm duplicating. I'm afraid I'm feeling lazy tonight, but I intended
to respond to this and forgot, so I want to do it now that you've
reminded me).

For me it's very simple, and has to do with the same stuff we've
talked about before in the lack of easy access to non-verbal cues
and your resulting tendency to orient very strongly towards simply
saying what you're thinking/feeling. With you, I don't feel like
I have to wonder how you're feeling; I can usually just directly
trust what you're saying, or if there's some confusion that I want
resolved, I can ask. With most people, there's a whole set of
non-verbal cues, and while I *can* ask (and switch the interaction
to the verbal level) even asking is a non-verbal cue of a sort.
It's complicated and scary; I do it, but I don't think I'm
particularly good at it. And one aspect of that dance is often
not being sure where I stand. Your style of interaction means that
those worries don't come up. This is somewhat based on knowing
you, but I think some of the interaction patterns do show up
fairly quickly.

Make any sense?

[ratatosk.livejournal.com]

lack of easy access to non-verbal cues
and your resulting tendency to orient very strongly towards simply
saying what you're thinking/feeling. With you, I don't feel like
I have to wonder how you're feeling; I can usually just directly
trust what you're saying, or if there's some confusion that I want
resolved, I can ask. With most people, there's a whole set of
non-verbal cues, and while I *can* ask (and switch the interaction
to the verbal level) even asking is a non-verbal cue of a sort.

Interesting! I've realized lately that I rely really heavily on non-verbal cues, to the point where if words say one thing and body language and tone of voice say another, I tend to weigh them something like 80/20 in favor of the non-verbal cues.

This might be due to a lack of trust on my part about what people say! It's not that I'm great at either, I'm just less trusting about one than the other. People can be following complicated social rules I don't understand, have strange motives, lie, or just make mistakes in what they are saying. I run into problems where the non-verbal cues are ambiguous -- "I am uncomfortable / sick / upset about something unrelated to you" can look a lot like "I hate you! Go away!" unless you are paying close attention and have other information with which to disambiguate. I find it really hard to handle body language (or tone of voice) that says one thing and words that say another, since I'm not good at tuning out "noise" from the body language.

This often sucks for me because while it might be a decent defense mechanism for dealing with most people, a lot of geeks have very non-standard non-verbal behavior!

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

I've realized lately that I rely really heavily on non-verbal cues, to the point where if words say one thing and body language and tone of voice say another, I tend to weigh them something like 80/20 in favor of the non-verbal cues.

Um. My. How, then, do you deal with people with little or strange body language? I'm fairly sure that you're living with someone for whom that applies, so I'm really fascinated by this. :)

And now I'm wondering if you've ever interacted with me when I was really tired, because apparently my body language mostly (entirely?) goes away, as well as my ability to read other people's. Hmm...

[ratatosk.livejournal.com]

How, then, do you deal with people with little or strange body language? I'm fairly sure that you're living with someone for whom that applies, so I'm really fascinated by this. :)

And now I'm wondering if you've ever interacted with me when I was really tired, because apparently my body language mostly (entirely?) goes away, as well as my ability to read other people's. Hmm...

I deal with it very poorly! It's a huge problem. _No_ body language in particular is different, and in that case I just pay attention to speech the same way you do.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

_No_ body language in particular is different, and in that case I just pay attention to speech the same way you do.

Oh, I see. I wonder if you have the same confusion problems with my body language that others have commented on, where the overt and sightly exhaggerated stuff conflicts with the (usually unrelated) more subtle stuff I am not aware of... Hmm...

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

lack of easy access to non-verbal cues and your resulting tendency to orient very strongly towards simply saying what you're thinking/feeling.

Point, but I don't know how well this comes across to people I just met... which is at least partly what I was confused about. :)

This is somewhat based on knowing you, but I think some of the interaction patterns do show up fairly quickly.

Yeah, this. :) Makes me wonder if specifically non-social settings are in fact easier for people to meet me in. It'd be odd if so, since I tend to try to keep personal and work so very separate!