[touch]

[wispfox]

I'm quite annoyed by my weird hunger state.

Want touch.

Don't want to touch for fear of that touch not being wanted and/or because I'm not yet comfortable enough with people to be comfortable with random affectionate touch and or cuddling _from_ them (I appear to not be willing to do such to people I would not be comfortable receiving it from). This has been true for months. I wonder, to some extent, if this is partly affected by the fact that the person I see the most often is not someone I can know one way or another about touch interest. It's neither always unwanted nor always wanted, so I can't get to a good non-asking-required state about it, and it's a constant uncertainty.

I seriously need to find time to spend with people with whom I don't have to question if the touch is likely to be wanted or not, and with whom I am sufficiently comfortable (aka: I can read them reasonably well, and what I read is comfortable for me) that I would be interested in random affectionate touch. Perhaps I should rephrase that to needing to figure out who such people _are_, locally (since not locally doesn't really help).

This frustrates the hell out of me, especially since I know that winter is coming, and I tend to need touch _more_ then, and tend to be less good about asking for it. Gah.

(and, well, this also affects my interest in anything even vaguely sexual, since if I'm not sure that people would want touch, why would I think they want anything beyond touch? So, I won't initiate anything if I'm even vaguely uncertain)

[edit: A couple of my replies to comments seemed to also need to be pointed at from this main post. See below]

http://www.livejournal.com/users/wispfox/346914.html?thread=2100514#t2100514
http://www.livejournal.com/users/wispfox/346914.html?thread=2101538#t2101538

[second edit: Sometimes, I really wish I were not so ridiculously dependant on touch! I mean, I like that I like it as much as I do. I do _not_ like that I need it as much or as often as I do]

Comments

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

I would snuggle you lots, were I there.

[regyt.livejournal.com]

I offer you useless non-local touch-friendliness. ^^

[brynndragon.livejournal.com]

Wow, you just put a lot of me recent feelings on the subject in a nutshell. I keep thinking I'm broken somehow, because I used to be happy with casual touch, but now I find I'm not very comfy with it, to the point where I tend to avoid places where it occurs without really knowing why I'm avoiding them (because that would mean acknowledging that I'm not comfy, which doesn't fit my self-image). Still trying to reconcile it, and not being very successful - if I want touch, I need to get touch, but I only want certain touch, and rejecting touch causes me to feel guilty, so maybe it's easier to just not bother with touch at all. Erg.

[kightp.livejournal.com]

In periods of my life when I've found myself touch-hungry but without anyone in my life to fill the need, I've found it very helpful to schedule regular massages. No, it's not the same as personal touch from someone you love - but it's touch, nonetheless, and it makes me feel soooooo good.

I don't know if that's a possibility for you, but it's worth considering, especially if you know winter is going to be a problem.

[catya.livejournal.com]

i think you probably know this, but physical affection is a fine thing with me.. (in a "don't sneak up on me" way, but that's a general cat rule :)

[ayalanya.livejournal.com]

mew. perhaps we could reinstate the weekly cuddle-date?

[maedbh7.livejournal.com]

Course, you could just *ask* folks via LJ land :)

I understand that concept though. I'm extremely touch-friendly...but only with people I either know will understand that touch does not equal 'making a pass at them' or, well, with people I'd happily make a pass at. Clear as mud, right. The thing is, I'll swap touch with all manner of people; but I'm only interested in pursuing anything else with a handful of those. And often touch is interpretted to mean more than just "hey, touch feels good". So, yeah, I think I see your point. -H...

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

*smile* I know, hon.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

*laugh* Thanks much, hon. :)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

I do know this, when I think about it. I don't necessarily _remember_ it, though, because I mostly don't see you in contexts for which random physical affection makes sense to me. If that makes any sense. I shall attempt to remember to think of it, though. :)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

I actually have monthly massages, and have for a couple years now. Partly because my body _hates_ me, and massages help manage that, and partly because it _is_ regular touch (and I like my massage therapist a lot. She's very cool).

Massages help. Hugs help. But neither are what I'm aching for. *sigh*

Suggestion appreciated, though!

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

but I only want certain touch, and rejecting touch causes me to feel guilty

Yes. And it makes me worried about the feelings of those whose touch I reject for reasons of insufficient comfort (because there's a bunch of people I _like_, quite a lot, but am not comfortable with random affectionate touch from), when I then proceed to a) accept/initiate with someone else, or b) post things like this in my journal.

Although, at the moment, it seems to be more about my _own_ ability to cope with the case of me being comfortable enough with someone else to be affectionate, but either them not being someone I can easily do so with (ticklishness, not being fond of touch, whatever), or them not being someone who is sufficiently comfortable with _me_.

I think part of the problem may simply be the fact that I was so anti-social for so long. I've lost touch with the local people I know, for the most part, and it's difficult for me to recover from that when I'm in a needy state.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Certainly worth a shot. But... while cuddling with you is appreciated and helpful, I have a _terrible_ time remembering where is safe to touch, and where is not. It's fairly mentally intensive for me, because I have to have at least part of my brain aware, so I can't quite fully relax into it.

And I only just managed to figure out why I'm so confused by cuddling with you. It's not just that I can't tell if you would welcome it (because sometimes you don't), but that it's fairly difficult for me to remember where is safe, where is not, what _kinds_ of touch are safe, and what kinds are not. So I can't relax enough. It is still appreciated, though, and the one problem I don't have is having to drive to get to you. :)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Course, you could just *ask* folks via LJ land :)

And, I could ask via email. And in-person. And all sorts of other ways... But first I need to remember with whom I was sufficiently comfortable for their feelings on the matter to even matter. And then I need to figure out if that fact is still true, or if the fact that I've been anti-social for 4 months has modified things.

And then, for the most part, I need to visit _them_, because I don't live sufficiently close to the city. And perhaps I need to get a certain amount of reconnection before I'm comfortable enough again. And there's a huge amount of 'but I don't _wanna_ have to do all that!' in there, especially when I'm feeling this needy.

I think part of why I'm so needy is because I _am_ finally feeling social enough again to realize exactly how long it's been.

The other part of what you just said also applies, at least in terms of my being sufficiently comfortable with the other person. It is, however, not apparently what's driving this. I think the degree to which I need touch is overriding most of that worry, as well possibly as the _suddenness_ with which I was aware of that need.

[ayalanya.livejournal.com]

*nodnod* yeah. understood.

in regards to that, i'm thinking that it might be good to try to "turn off" some of the physical bits. it seems to be inconvenient to entirely too many people, myself included. i don't know for sure that i *can*, but it's worth a shot, and would make things easier for all involved.

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

but only with people I either know will understand that touch does not equal 'making a pass at them' or, well, with people I'd happily make a pass at.

*nods emphatically*

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

I # the too distant for touch thing.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

thinking that it might be good to try to "turn off" some of the physical bits.

...

If you had any idea how, I'm sure it'd be a useful thing to be able to do!

I have no idea how _I_ turn off being ticklish (for the most part). I think it's something like being able to only hiccup once or less, usually.

And I'm not sure how much the fact that your reaction is a neurologically unusual one might affect your ability to modify it.

I kinda wonder if getting massages regularly would help, and what you would say to the idea of me getting you such a thing for $DECEMBERHOLIDAY or something. I also have no idea if you _can_ be massaged in the locations that cause you trouble?

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

*blinks* Translate '#' for me, please?

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

Second, third, fourth, etc.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Aaaah... Understood!

I find it amusing that the people who've commented along those lines are also all in different places from each other. :)

[ayalanya.livejournal.com]

i suspect it's similar in principle to the way i "turn off" pain - it seems to be a case-by-case thing, so i can't always, but there are relaxation techniques that make some pains non-painful.

i also wonder how much of my reactions are psychological. i got a massage once, which included the legs, from a close friend who said that when she went over that area she got tears in her eyes (she tends to be very aware. i ended up needing her to stop, also).

i just wish i knew what makes this happen! a couple of years ago i was fine with leg-touching. *sigh*

it's possible that regular touch there would help. i don't know how i feel about a full massage, being deep touch, but it might be worth trying. it could potentially be some kind of blockage, which massage would eventually break up.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

i also wonder how much of my reactions are psychological. i got a massage once, which included the legs, from a close friend who said that when she went over that area she got tears in her eyes (she tends to be very aware. i ended up needing her to stop, also).

Ooooh!

I need to remember to ask weegoddess the name of the therapy which might be able to help with this... (pinged!)

And I'll see what I can do about the massage idea. My massage therapist is nifty, and nearby.

[regyt.livejournal.com]

And when you start traveling, you can stop by and I'll give you cuddles here. ^^

[regyt.livejournal.com]

It means you need to schedule a World Tour of Touch-Friendliness.