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wispfoxOK, I'm all introspective (ok, perhaps that isn't all that noteworthy...) and stuff.
The idea of 'going on dates', as I believe it is generally understood, seems to be a combination of getting to know someone new and determining potential for a sexual relationship. It seems... odd to me to combine those two goals, because getting to know someone is, in my head, a perfectly delightful goal all on its own, and adding in conscious thought about a possible sexual relationship only adds large amounts of stress, confusion, and nervousness. It also makes it much more difficult to get to know a person entirely on the basis of who they are, rather than on future possibilities.
For me, getting to know someone _is_ an end goal, and generally one sparked by in-person meetings (sometimes planned, mostly not - and usually in decent-sized groups). I'd want to know more about them, whether I'm coming from a base of just having met them, or from some amount of knowledge gained before meeting them (online for example).
Sometimes, from friendship, comes the potential for some sort of relationship with includes sexual activity or the possibility thereof - but, for me, it always follows the friendship, and does not happen while trying to _form_ the friendship. (although, sometimes, I feel compelled to note, there has not been a whole lot of time between the two states. I've gotten much better at separating the two more clearly, since that _is_ how I work.)
It's true that, if I meet people online, I can form some level of interest in meeting them - certainly! But, for the most part, this is a fairly passive interest, and takes a fair amount (usually at least a few months of actual interaction) of time - I develop interest in meeting a person eventually, and won't, for example, feel a need to attempt to seek them out. This type of thing tends to result in me meeting a person at some sort of social activity that we'd both have been going to anyway. The actively seeking out also does happen based solely on online interaction (to my profound surprise), but ridiculously rarely.
So... I think that I'm very, very curious as to why it might make sense to any of you to do what I believe to be the 'typical' kind of dating, where getting to know people is simultaneous with investigating possibility of a sexual relationship. It seems... time-consuming, stressful, and not terribly effective for forming good bonds. But perhaps I'm misunderstanding something?
Note: I _do_ realize that there are cases where people meet, have an instant connection, and therefore the getting to know is simultaneous with _everything_. But those are special cases. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking so-called 'typical' forms of dating (for those who don't understand the concept of dating in the US - I think I've explained what I'm talking about in enough detail? Especially since I don't really understand it, either... and considering that that word can mean entirely too many things).
The idea of 'going on dates', as I believe it is generally understood, seems to be a combination of getting to know someone new and determining potential for a sexual relationship. It seems... odd to me to combine those two goals, because getting to know someone is, in my head, a perfectly delightful goal all on its own, and adding in conscious thought about a possible sexual relationship only adds large amounts of stress, confusion, and nervousness. It also makes it much more difficult to get to know a person entirely on the basis of who they are, rather than on future possibilities.
For me, getting to know someone _is_ an end goal, and generally one sparked by in-person meetings (sometimes planned, mostly not - and usually in decent-sized groups). I'd want to know more about them, whether I'm coming from a base of just having met them, or from some amount of knowledge gained before meeting them (online for example).
Sometimes, from friendship, comes the potential for some sort of relationship with includes sexual activity or the possibility thereof - but, for me, it always follows the friendship, and does not happen while trying to _form_ the friendship. (although, sometimes, I feel compelled to note, there has not been a whole lot of time between the two states. I've gotten much better at separating the two more clearly, since that _is_ how I work.)
It's true that, if I meet people online, I can form some level of interest in meeting them - certainly! But, for the most part, this is a fairly passive interest, and takes a fair amount (usually at least a few months of actual interaction) of time - I develop interest in meeting a person eventually, and won't, for example, feel a need to attempt to seek them out. This type of thing tends to result in me meeting a person at some sort of social activity that we'd both have been going to anyway. The actively seeking out also does happen based solely on online interaction (to my profound surprise), but ridiculously rarely.
So... I think that I'm very, very curious as to why it might make sense to any of you to do what I believe to be the 'typical' kind of dating, where getting to know people is simultaneous with investigating possibility of a sexual relationship. It seems... time-consuming, stressful, and not terribly effective for forming good bonds. But perhaps I'm misunderstanding something?
Note: I _do_ realize that there are cases where people meet, have an instant connection, and therefore the getting to know is simultaneous with _everything_. But those are special cases. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking so-called 'typical' forms of dating (for those who don't understand the concept of dating in the US - I think I've explained what I'm talking about in enough detail? Especially since I don't really understand it, either... and considering that that word can mean entirely too many things).
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Date: 2004-06-18 04:07 pm (UTC)When I very first meet someone, I usually know right away if I find them attractive in some fashion or another. I may find them physically attractive or it may be something about their mannerisms or about the topics which they are interested in talking about - but nonetheless, there is an assessment made right away. The assessment is certainly related to compatibility - that is to say that its my mind processing "Is this a person I'm interested in knowing better or not?"
Assuming I have the opportunity to observe that person in a social situation, I generally make that determination right then and there (though, in a few situations, I've made a determination one way on first meeting and had it adjusted by future such meetings). After I've made up my mind, the next mission is confirming the assessment - taking opportunities to get to meet that person in group settings or in private (if I feel comfortable enough at that point to do so). Usually, one good long conversation will do it for me, at which point I know if I have interest in going further or not.
My behavior in the getting to know you phase I describe above technically counts as going on a date, in the traditional sense - i.e. we're going to meet somewhere, probably have something to eat, and then hang out somewhere thereafter and talk. As far as sex goes, for me it doesn't exist in this phase. That's my hang-up - I don't pursue sex until mutual interest in that is fairly clearly established (and often times not even for a while after that). How long this takes depends on circumstance and time. If I had a lot of quality time with someone new, I suppose it could technically develop from "Getting to know you" to "Making out" in a few days - that's never happened, but it seems possible, given sufficient initial compatibility, the right environment, and some really good energy. In reality, this has normally taken me... about three to four months of consistent time around the other person. Once the making out stage is reached - sex is not far off. Once again though, I have to feel that whole "mutual attraction" thing. For a mix of reasons, I'm not inclined to consider the possibility of sex until I'm starting to pick up on signs that the other person is interested. I am a sexual person, but I just sorta assume (perhaps incorrectly) that if anyone was interested, they would bring it up. Otherwise, I tend to assume that all relationships, even ones where I go out on dates, are developing into friendships.
So, for me, going out on dates is just a way to establish connections and potential friendships. Negotiations to get into a sexual relationship might happen during a date, but that's not the reason I go on dates.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 06:38 pm (UTC)Yes. Ditto.
for me, going out on dates is just a way to establish connections and potential friendships.
This is also what _I_ do for dates w/people, but that is not what most people think of. It's the case where people are thinking of the typical idea of dating which confuses the hell out of me.
And, as stated earlier, this kind of thing (one-on-one interaction with someone) _requires_ that I've met them, or it won't make sense to me.