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wispfoxOK, I'm all introspective (ok, perhaps that isn't all that noteworthy...) and stuff.
The idea of 'going on dates', as I believe it is generally understood, seems to be a combination of getting to know someone new and determining potential for a sexual relationship. It seems... odd to me to combine those two goals, because getting to know someone is, in my head, a perfectly delightful goal all on its own, and adding in conscious thought about a possible sexual relationship only adds large amounts of stress, confusion, and nervousness. It also makes it much more difficult to get to know a person entirely on the basis of who they are, rather than on future possibilities.
For me, getting to know someone _is_ an end goal, and generally one sparked by in-person meetings (sometimes planned, mostly not - and usually in decent-sized groups). I'd want to know more about them, whether I'm coming from a base of just having met them, or from some amount of knowledge gained before meeting them (online for example).
Sometimes, from friendship, comes the potential for some sort of relationship with includes sexual activity or the possibility thereof - but, for me, it always follows the friendship, and does not happen while trying to _form_ the friendship. (although, sometimes, I feel compelled to note, there has not been a whole lot of time between the two states. I've gotten much better at separating the two more clearly, since that _is_ how I work.)
It's true that, if I meet people online, I can form some level of interest in meeting them - certainly! But, for the most part, this is a fairly passive interest, and takes a fair amount (usually at least a few months of actual interaction) of time - I develop interest in meeting a person eventually, and won't, for example, feel a need to attempt to seek them out. This type of thing tends to result in me meeting a person at some sort of social activity that we'd both have been going to anyway. The actively seeking out also does happen based solely on online interaction (to my profound surprise), but ridiculously rarely.
So... I think that I'm very, very curious as to why it might make sense to any of you to do what I believe to be the 'typical' kind of dating, where getting to know people is simultaneous with investigating possibility of a sexual relationship. It seems... time-consuming, stressful, and not terribly effective for forming good bonds. But perhaps I'm misunderstanding something?
Note: I _do_ realize that there are cases where people meet, have an instant connection, and therefore the getting to know is simultaneous with _everything_. But those are special cases. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking so-called 'typical' forms of dating (for those who don't understand the concept of dating in the US - I think I've explained what I'm talking about in enough detail? Especially since I don't really understand it, either... and considering that that word can mean entirely too many things).
The idea of 'going on dates', as I believe it is generally understood, seems to be a combination of getting to know someone new and determining potential for a sexual relationship. It seems... odd to me to combine those two goals, because getting to know someone is, in my head, a perfectly delightful goal all on its own, and adding in conscious thought about a possible sexual relationship only adds large amounts of stress, confusion, and nervousness. It also makes it much more difficult to get to know a person entirely on the basis of who they are, rather than on future possibilities.
For me, getting to know someone _is_ an end goal, and generally one sparked by in-person meetings (sometimes planned, mostly not - and usually in decent-sized groups). I'd want to know more about them, whether I'm coming from a base of just having met them, or from some amount of knowledge gained before meeting them (online for example).
Sometimes, from friendship, comes the potential for some sort of relationship with includes sexual activity or the possibility thereof - but, for me, it always follows the friendship, and does not happen while trying to _form_ the friendship. (although, sometimes, I feel compelled to note, there has not been a whole lot of time between the two states. I've gotten much better at separating the two more clearly, since that _is_ how I work.)
It's true that, if I meet people online, I can form some level of interest in meeting them - certainly! But, for the most part, this is a fairly passive interest, and takes a fair amount (usually at least a few months of actual interaction) of time - I develop interest in meeting a person eventually, and won't, for example, feel a need to attempt to seek them out. This type of thing tends to result in me meeting a person at some sort of social activity that we'd both have been going to anyway. The actively seeking out also does happen based solely on online interaction (to my profound surprise), but ridiculously rarely.
So... I think that I'm very, very curious as to why it might make sense to any of you to do what I believe to be the 'typical' kind of dating, where getting to know people is simultaneous with investigating possibility of a sexual relationship. It seems... time-consuming, stressful, and not terribly effective for forming good bonds. But perhaps I'm misunderstanding something?
Note: I _do_ realize that there are cases where people meet, have an instant connection, and therefore the getting to know is simultaneous with _everything_. But those are special cases. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking so-called 'typical' forms of dating (for those who don't understand the concept of dating in the US - I think I've explained what I'm talking about in enough detail? Especially since I don't really understand it, either... and considering that that word can mean entirely too many things).
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no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 12:24 am (UTC)All that aside, in answer to your question, I think it has everything to do with the weight/importance you place on sex. For some, sex is a spiritual connection, a deeper form of understanding, a stronger tie than friendship, a larger trust commitment, an expression of love. For others, sex is recreation, a form of friendship in it's own sake, a physical form of understanding that is no more or less deep but is categorically different, an expression of fondness (or just lust) that requires only a basic amount of trust, if any.
My guess would be that, for you, sex follows the first example, while for many others, sex follows the second format. -H...
no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 10:19 am (UTC)Obviously past experiences will be the ultimate deciding factor as to how one is going to look at dates. But I suspect the weight of sex on a "date" would vary greatly from person to person. To me it's simply saying there is no preset restriction.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 02:24 pm (UTC)Nor do I. But... someone who is going into a date with more intent than simply to get to know me will be giving off vibes of that fact, and they _will_ distract me from being able to get to know the person without that fact coming into play.
For me, with everyone I am at least reasonably close to, there is potential, if both parties are sufficiently interested, and there are no logical bars to that possibility (like someone being in a monogamous relationship, or someone simply not having any available energy, for example). But that doesn't mean I particularly want to be interacting with that consciously in my mind - it's a distraction, especially coming from someone I don't really know.
*shrug* Interesting, though. Thank you. :)
no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 04:30 pm (UTC)Interesting. Why? (And what makes you think that is always transparently clear?)
People interact on many levels, why is a concurrent sexual level distracting?
no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 06:35 pm (UTC)I don't read body language well, but I _do_ have empathy. Translate that to, unless someone has amazing shields, I pick up on their emotional state. If they _do_ have amazing shields, it depends on what they are shielding. And, since part of how I get a sense of people is through empathy, if their shielding completely blocks that out, I can't be comfortable with a person.
The above is why it's transparently clear.
why is a concurrent sexual level distracting?
Because I can feel it. And, if my mind isn't in that context, it's confusing and distracting and distressing.