[impulse control and lack thereof]

I am apparently very startling if I _don't_ control impulses that I would normally control. Also, I apparently rarely move suddenly (probably because less control of my movements means I'm far more dangerous to those around me).

In short, suddenly lunging in the direction of ladytabitha when everyone involved is exhausted causes interesting reactions.

[impulse control and lack thereof]

I am apparently very startling if I _don't_ control impulses that I would normally control. Also, I apparently rarely move suddenly (probably because less control of my movements means I'm far more dangerous to those around me).

In short, suddenly lunging in the direction of ladytabitha when everyone involved is exhausted causes interesting reactions.

[missing of people]

It is, I note, remarkably difficult for me to compare how much I miss someone _now_ vs have missed them in the past. Why _is_ that?

Was attempting to determine if I actually do find it harder when australian_joe leaves in winter vs. in summer. I think, actually, what happens is that it hits me _much_ harder in winter (emotional fucked-upness, and all), but my awareness of everything (including my time sense) is terrible in winter, so I also recover more quickly.

Mostly, I think, it's because I'm less good at keeping track of how recently anything has happened in winter. I _really_ get into 'now is always' states in winter. Also makes winter feel like it lasts forever and ever (and ever!). I wonder what sort of fascinating effect being in the other hemisphere next Feb will have on that?

Annoyingly, my 'avoiding thinking about this to let it chill out' thing right now is new-apartment-oriented. And I need to wait until I've finished with carpet cleaning stuff before I can really move much in earnest.

(I also hope coping with him leaving gets easier, eventually. Not particularly convinced that it _will_, mind)

I _do_, however, think the additional solidity to my sense of him from his Feb visit has helped, overall, with lack of in-person interaction with him (both immediately after he leaves and in terms of increasing the time from his last visit to when I start losing sense of him enough for it to be a timeout problem).

[missing of people]

It is, I note, remarkably difficult for me to compare how much I miss someone _now_ vs have missed them in the past. Why _is_ that?

Was attempting to determine if I actually do find it harder when australian_joe leaves in winter vs. in summer. I think, actually, what happens is that it hits me _much_ harder in winter (emotional fucked-upness, and all), but my awareness of everything (including my time sense) is terrible in winter, so I also recover more quickly.

Mostly, I think, it's because I'm less good at keeping track of how recently anything has happened in winter. I _really_ get into 'now is always' states in winter. Also makes winter feel like it lasts forever and ever (and ever!). I wonder what sort of fascinating effect being in the other hemisphere next Feb will have on that?

Annoyingly, my 'avoiding thinking about this to let it chill out' thing right now is new-apartment-oriented. And I need to wait until I've finished with carpet cleaning stuff before I can really move much in earnest.

(I also hope coping with him leaving gets easier, eventually. Not particularly convinced that it _will_, mind)

I _do_, however, think the additional solidity to my sense of him from his Feb visit has helped, overall, with lack of in-person interaction with him (both immediately after he leaves and in terms of increasing the time from his last visit to when I start losing sense of him enough for it to be a timeout problem).

[mood.out of sorts]

(and I don't even have anything to sort!)

My _god_, I'm out of sorts today. And I don't want to be highly social (which means I canceled my plans for the evening, as they were likely to be highly social). But I desperately want cuddling, from people who actively _want_ to. And _GAH_!

Tomorrow, though, brynndragon visit. Yes. And, tonight, I measure my new place so I have important information. And bring boxes from the old place. And a fan. My god, yes, a fan. (perhaps, I shall also investigate room-darkening curtains. Possibly better blinds, too. Those should reduce the amount of heat captured by the windows in summer. Not immediately, but soon. After more fans).

One of these days, I will remember to attempt to schedule one-on-one or _very_ small group visits with people who actively enjoy cuddling with me for immediately after (and at least the day/evening after) australian_joe leaves. But then, that does rather require remembering, people for whom that is true, _and_ that they have the time available.

OK, I'm completely useless by this point; I go home. At least I managed to stave it off until nearly end of day!


Completely and utterly unrelatedly, via dda, Ice Cream Ball

[mood.out of sorts]

(and I don't even have anything to sort!)

My _god_, I'm out of sorts today. And I don't want to be highly social (which means I canceled my plans for the evening, as they were likely to be highly social). But I desperately want cuddling, from people who actively _want_ to. And _GAH_!

Tomorrow, though, brynndragon visit. Yes. And, tonight, I measure my new place so I have important information. And bring boxes from the old place. And a fan. My god, yes, a fan. (perhaps, I shall also investigate room-darkening curtains. Possibly better blinds, too. Those should reduce the amount of heat captured by the windows in summer. Not immediately, but soon. After more fans).

One of these days, I will remember to attempt to schedule one-on-one or _very_ small group visits with people who actively enjoy cuddling with me for immediately after (and at least the day/evening after) australian_joe leaves. But then, that does rather require remembering, people for whom that is true, _and_ that they have the time available.

OK, I'm completely useless by this point; I go home. At least I managed to stave it off until nearly end of day!


Completely and utterly unrelatedly, via dda, Ice Cream Ball

[various]

Unexpected sweet and sappiness is excellent, although fascinatingly difficult for me to figure out how to respond to.

Way, _way_ OCD of me to have finished reinstalling Linux on my desktop, and gotten VPN working on it. Now, it's updating itself.

Lack of furniture in an apartment makes for an amusing method of cuddling.

Stinky and hot apartment is unpleasant, though.

I really need to go sleep now.

[various]

Unexpected sweet and sappiness is excellent, although fascinatingly difficult for me to figure out how to respond to.

Way, _way_ OCD of me to have finished reinstalling Linux on my desktop, and gotten VPN working on it. Now, it's updating itself.

Lack of furniture in an apartment makes for an amusing method of cuddling.

Stinky and hot apartment is unpleasant, though.

I really need to go sleep now.