Dear self:

You have an amazingly high likelihood of getting sick when you travel. You don't, however, usually remember this before you go. Please work on that, or at least on bringing anti-sick stuff with you!

Sore-throated, headachy and sniffly,

Me

PS learn how to sleep, would you? That can't be helping...

This is mostly a note to myself, as I appear to continue to be poor at noticing these kinds of things.

If I'm intensely grumpy, and it feels out of place, I _really_ need to do an internal check to see if I'm in a seriously overstim'd state.

Currently, combination of lack of light box (which I have used since I got home) for 4 or 5 days which were also intensely social, the fact that the weather thoroughly screwed up my schedule, and an unexpected conversation with someone who is often high energy-requiring for me (esp over the phone, which this was) appears to have put me into an _INTENSELY_ grumpy state. And, as I noticed a couple of seconds ago, _INTENSELY_ over-stimulated (shakey, skin-crawly kind of thing). Not that there was much I could have done even if I'd noticed earlier, since today was almost entirely taken up by travel.

Icky. At least now I know _WHY_ I'm so damn snappy/grumpy. And now I can go hide or something for a little while.

If I feel like my skin is buzzing/itching/crawling/jumping or I feel like I want to shake like a dog trying to dry off, I need to stop whatever I'm doing (probably something social or high energy requiring). No matter how interesting it is or how much I want to be doing it.

Because I think that's a sign that I'm badly overstimulated, and not just tired (sleepy). I _am_ tired in that state, mind, but sleep is going to be a hard state to get to if I'm that far gone. And my brain _will_ shut down on me (feels like a sleepy tired or sick reaction, but it isn't) if I refuse to stop whatever I'm doing, as I'm really good at demonstrating to myself (fascinatingly, the person I was interacting with at the time suggested that I stop, if I was so tired. Now if only I had listened, instead of trying to finish up some stuff which I didn't manage to finish anyway!).

The variety of things that I tend to crave in that state are interesting, I find.

Being held very tightly/fiercely tops the list, and I suspect that if I had a machine which could do it, it'd be fine. Approximations of this appear to include attempting to be _under_ a bed (or in any very enclosed space), or being at the foot end of a bed under heavy, tucked-in blankets (suddenly I understand my childhood self so much better). Sharp points of pain (such as digging my nails into my skin) seem to help briefly. So do rapid movements like shaking my leg while lying down or vibrating my entire body as best I am able (ah, yes, I do find it really odd that being overstimulated makes me crave self-stim behavior...). I think this is _also_ the state I get into where I feel like I'm going to fly away from my body at any second, and think that (since no one is home and I have no such machine) some sort of journeywork is going to be what I do after posting this.

Because I'm tired, but not even remotely sleepy. And I ache to be held tightly and don't care who by. And my self-attachment is _sucking_ right now!

(fascinatingly, aside from the emotional component, this is not that far off a sensation from the couple of times I've been so angry I was shaking and completely incoherent. Except I'm not angry, and I'm not incoherent)

OK, apparently I'm done. Getting online even long enough to post this is causing my body to remind me that the break I took was _not_ long enough, and something more concrete needs to be done. So I go.

Someone I read is writing about poly life lessons, and it's starting to ping my brain to write something similar. Except I don't seem to be able to figure out life lessons that are specifically _poly_, in my head. Which is sorta confusing, really. Relationship-specific, yes. But poly? Hmm. Might be because being poly is so strongly part of who I am. (which is funny, considering how hard I tried to be monogamous, most of my life. Poorly, I might add.) (yes, I also _talk_ in parentheticals)

Let me see...

( In random order )

Sometimes I let myself get distracted, and forget to listen to myself. This results in stress, and being tired, but sleep not being enough to resolve the problem.

Sometimes it's work, sometimes it's being really social, sometimes it's trying to do too much all at once. Sometimes it's all of them, like lately.

Then I remember to listen to myself. And I take a walk alone, just wandering, or lying in the grass looking at the sky and the fluffy clouds, or the stars. And I find my calm again.

There was a time, when I was younger, when I was almost always calm. Perhaps because I avoided people, so there were fewer external distractions. Perhaps because people did not make sense, what with always rushing around, always having things to do. Sometimes, as I knew then and often forget now, one needs to have nothing at all to do. To wander, to simply be, to remember calm. I sometimes wonder if the tradeoff of interacting with people is really worth the loss of my calm. Most of the time, I don't have to wonder, as I know it is.

I think, or hope, that work will calm down now. At least as compared to the last week or so. And I hope that my coming Saturday will continue to be free. To relax, to wander around outdoors. To just be. It's not a vacation I need, because I tend to want to _do_ stuff on vacation, or to visit people. It's time with nothing I have to do. No plans, no responsibilites. So, perhaps, a vacation even from myself.

Lately, I've felt an awful lot like I tended to feel during finals week in college. Except that, unlike college, I don't get a few weeks off afterwards. I must remember to not burn myself out. Not just with work, but with people, with doing too much stuff. With trying to get to know the many people I find interesting.

There is time. I frequently need to remind myself of this, as I get impatient when I lose my calm. But there is time. There is always time, up until the day it runs out.

Even when people's physical selves decide to remind them and those around them that they are mortal, there is still time. I _have_ to believe that, because I am too prone to rushing, and to impatience.

There is time. Remember to breathe. And to listen to yourself. And be patient. Not just with those around you, but yourself, as well.

Note to self (and anyone who might think to remind me):

DO NOT FORGET TO SHIELD WHEN LEAVING HOMEPORT!

(yes, yes, yes - Obscene Magic 8-ball says 'Fucking _DUH_!' ;) WANT Obscene Magic 8-ball!)

I've done this twice; tonight, and Friday night. I was _wondering_ why I was having such trouble getting needed distance from the single negative in my life right now!

Sheesh...

(which does, of course, beg the question of who/what the hell I was picking up on, that shielding had an effect! *shakes head*)

Also, I'm very pleased by people who, when words _completely_ fail me, still know what I was trying to say. Yes... is _good_.

OK, sleep now.