[brains] observations of self

[wispfox]

If I feel like my skin is buzzing/itching/crawling/jumping or I feel like I want to shake like a dog trying to dry off, I need to stop whatever I'm doing (probably something social or high energy requiring). No matter how interesting it is or how much I want to be doing it.

Because I think that's a sign that I'm badly overstimulated, and not just tired (sleepy). I _am_ tired in that state, mind, but sleep is going to be a hard state to get to if I'm that far gone. And my brain _will_ shut down on me (feels like a sleepy tired or sick reaction, but it isn't) if I refuse to stop whatever I'm doing, as I'm really good at demonstrating to myself (fascinatingly, the person I was interacting with at the time suggested that I stop, if I was so tired. Now if only I had listened, instead of trying to finish up some stuff which I didn't manage to finish anyway!).

The variety of things that I tend to crave in that state are interesting, I find.

Being held very tightly/fiercely tops the list, and I suspect that if I had a machine which could do it, it'd be fine. Approximations of this appear to include attempting to be _under_ a bed (or in any very enclosed space), or being at the foot end of a bed under heavy, tucked-in blankets (suddenly I understand my childhood self so much better). Sharp points of pain (such as digging my nails into my skin) seem to help briefly. So do rapid movements like shaking my leg while lying down or vibrating my entire body as best I am able (ah, yes, I do find it really odd that being overstimulated makes me crave self-stim behavior...). I think this is _also_ the state I get into where I feel like I'm going to fly away from my body at any second, and think that (since no one is home and I have no such machine) some sort of journeywork is going to be what I do after posting this.

Because I'm tired, but not even remotely sleepy. And I ache to be held tightly and don't care who by. And my self-attachment is _sucking_ right now!

(fascinatingly, aside from the emotional component, this is not that far off a sensation from the couple of times I've been so angry I was shaking and completely incoherent. Except I'm not angry, and I'm not incoherent)

OK, apparently I'm done. Getting online even long enough to post this is causing my body to remind me that the break I took was _not_ long enough, and something more concrete needs to be done. So I go.

Comments

[dancingwolfgrrl.livejournal.com]

Sounds like what you're looking for is connection to your physical body -- moving it or feeling it, through pain or contact?

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Probably, yes. But not _just_ that.

Because, for example, sensation play would be too much variety in the sensation type. I need a specific _kind_ of fairly basic stimulation, and just that.

[dancingwolfgrrl.livejournal.com]

Makes sense to me!

[phaedra-lari.livejournal.com]

vibrating my entire body as best I am able

Have you ever done a bellydance shimmy? I use that to shake tension off or shake myself out of over-stressed/anxious moods.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Yep. That's sorta what I do, although I'm not very good at it. And it's only temporarily effective.

[(Anonymous)]

Squeeze chair (http://channel.creative-capital.org/project_311.html)!

[starphire.livejournal.com]

This is so cool!

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Interesting! But it said nothing about it being available for sale...

[starphire.livejournal.com]

My impression is that it's a common trait for mammals, to be calmed by being squeezed.
I used to love wrapping myself tightly in the covers of my bed when I was a kid. Otherwise, I'd take like an hour to get to sleep.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

My impression is that it's a common trait for mammals, to be calmed by being squeezed.

That would make sense to me, yes.

And, I take an hour to get to sleep normally; it's worse when I was overstim'd like last night.

[ian-gunn.livejournal.com]

This brought to mind the autism spectrum posts you pointed to. It also finally triggered my memory of a story I'd seen about an autistic woman working on domestic animal handling stuff. I recalled that she also felt the need to be squeezed to help her get recover from over stimulation. She had made some kind of mechanical device for herself for just that purpose. In the story I saw they showed her in it and she talked about how she would spend anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour in it every day, depending on her need. The squeeze chair (http://channel.creative-capital.org/project_311.html) that someone pointed to, design by Wendy Jacob, was apparently done in collaboration with the person I saw the story on, Dr Temple Grandin (http://www.grandin.com/). Hum, er, not sure if that helps, all of the stuff on that page is about her animal handling stuff. If you had not already heard of her she might be an interesting person to learn more about for you.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

This brought to mind the autism spectrum posts you pointed to.

Yup. I think this was the first time I managed to combine various bits and pieces of things into the useful whole that this post illustrates.

I have, in fact, heard of and read a book by Temple Grandin.

[eisa.livejournal.com]

Overstimulation is the result of not being able to integrate the sensation... self stim behavior is generally a kind of stimulaiton that aids in integration. And your urges are very, very, common ones. The being held tightly thing is part of why I like corsets so much. And sharp pain.. yeah, well, there are reasons I'm a masochist.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Overstimulation is the result of not being able to integrate the sensation... self stim behavior is generally a kind of stimulaiton that aids in integration.

Oh. Wow. Thank you! It's taken me forever to reply, but these words please me greatly for their explanatory properties.

The being held tightly thing is part of why I like corsets so much.

Hmm! That brings a whole new thought process to my corset. I must contemplate...

there are reasons I'm a masochist.

I'm mostly not, which has always struck me as odd, considering my delight in sensation play. Hmm...