wispfox | life lessons, attempted write-up

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life lessons, attempted write-up

Someone I read is writing about poly life lessons, and it's starting to ping my brain to write something similar. Except I don't seem to be able to figure out life lessons that are specifically _poly_, in my head. Which is sorta confusing, really. Relationship-specific, yes. But poly? Hmm. Might be because being poly is so strongly part of who I am. (which is funny, considering how hard I tried to be monogamous, most of my life. Poorly, I might add.) (yes, I also _talk_ in parentheticals)

Let me see...

-If there is something that I want to say or do which continues to be in my head more than a day later, I should say or do it. Letting things fester in my head is _bad_ for me, and unkind to those whom it might affect. It's also proven very rare (perhaps never?) that anyone's reactions are ever as bad as I had imagined them to be when I didn't say things when they are verbalized enough to do so.

-I can't date people who don't know themselves well enough to stand up for what they want, if they believe it goes against what someone else wants (yes, I _do_ realize that this means I could not date myself from a couple years ago - I'm frankly amazed anyone healthy and secure in themselves was willing/able to do so! But I am thankful for it, because I would not have known what was missing in myself, otherwise). I need too strongly to be able to trust that people will tell me if something I am doing or not doing is a problem, as I cannot consistantly rely on my own ability to realize that there is a problem.

-I cannot handle my close relationships (friends, or otherwise) with other people being hidden. If a relationship I have with someone is being hidden by them from those people who ought to know, there is a problem. I'm _terrible_ at hiding things (because I don't _like_ to!), that lack of honesty/openness is painful for me, and that kind of relationship is entirely without certainty.

-It really _is_ reasonable to expect to be able to find friends and lovers who not only accept me, but _like_ that I am who I am. And it is possible to find people who actively enjoy all of who I am. Rare, but possible.

-It's ok to ask for what my spirit needs to remain healthy and whole. People who are able/willing to tell me when they can't offer what I am asking for at that point in time reinforce this belief _immesurably_. Because it means I can trust that, when they accept, they _want_ to, and aren't doing it because of my need.

-I cannot, simply _cannot_, be someone's sole means of support. More generally, I refuse to take more than temporary/partial responsibility for another person's life. I am willing to help, within my ability, but I will not take on the responsibility. (yes, I do realize this means I shouldn't have kids. I don't want them anyway, for a variety of reasons)

-I should not try to handle major decisions/changes if I am in a compromised mental/emotional state (exhausted, aroused, angry, drugged, etc), or if I have not had the opportunity to figure out my own thoughts on the matter. I _can_ do it, if absolutely necessary, but it costs me a lot. And I will question the decision. And I will resent whomever felt that they had to have an answer _right_ _then_.

-Breaking a promise will cause me pain. So will having to retract it. Therefore, I must make promises only very, very rarely, and only when I _know_ I can keep them. There have been times when I could not keep them, whether because the promise I made was not what I understood it to be, because I changed too much to sanely stick to it, or because the person I made the promise to changed too much - but it's hell for me to have to retract a promise. And I am _very_ _very_ careful to not make implied promises - they are not _as_ difficult, but they are still painful for me to retract. It's part of why I'm _so_ verbal about things which could imply promises made.

-I really need to _listen_ to my instincts, no matter how far off from reality they appear to be. They have yet to be proven wrong...

-My safety and security need to come from inside myself, not from an external source. Otherwise, external sources can take it away again.

[edit: I'm going to just keep adding them...]
-There is no one I can control other than myself, and no one else can know all of what I need or want.

Note: many/most of these are also statements on what I want from people I am close to (and no, I _don't_ claim I necessarily succeed in following the things above).

Only promise things you can stick to.

Tell me the things I need to know, sooner, rather than later - and when possible, include me in decision-making that affects me. (When possible, because I know that I take a while to find words for things, and longer yet to find the _right_ words for things. So it can sometimes take a while, and may feel like one is not being included. I make an effort to start talking when I have words at all, and to make sure that people know they may not be the whole picture, or the _right_ words)

Get to know yourself, and stay true to that self - this is an ongoing process, in my experience.

Ask me for help if you need it, but be aware that I may not always be able to help. I will do my best to offer help if I can tell you need it, and have the energy and ability.

Be honest with yourself, so you can be honest with everyone else.

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sounds like those would work pretty well for anybody - there are a lot of universal truths in those.

a lot of universal truths in those.

*nods* I try.

Most things that I have managed to put into a consice verbal form are things which correlate as closely as I seem to be able to do with a concept in my head. It's part of why I tend to try to share such things with other people; if they are useful for me, they might be useful for someone else. :)

There are only two possibilities about *any* given thing

Either it will happen to some degree, or it will not.

That's really my only one, but it does help amazingly well at putting things in perspective at times =P

*nods* Interestingly, that isn't something life needed to teach me. I seem to take that as a given. Not sure why!

I suppose it's because different things are more obvious to some than others.

That, and I always wind up with way to much mental time on my hands and wind up over-analyzing *everything* to death, going through every possible if-then branch and worrying myself to death over trivial things. I'm working on it, and it's getting better, but I just gotta keep repeating that mantra over and over again.

"Except I don't seem to be able to figure out life lessons that are specifically _poly_, in my head. Which is sorta confusing, really. Relationship-specific, yes. But poly? "

Ha! You know, this didn't even occur to me? I think most of mine are really just about relationships, but of course all of my relationships are poly...

something substantive later :)

"-I cannot handle my close relationships (friends, or otherwise) with other people being hidden. If a relationship I have with someone is being hidden by them from those people who ought to know, there is a problem. I'm _terrible_ at hiding things (because I don't _like_ to!), that lack of honesty/openness is painful for me, and that kind of relationship is entirely without certainty. "

The last phrase of that resonates with me - i wonder if i feel less secure in relationships that are being hidden in some way. interesting.

wonder if i feel less secure in relationships that are being hidden in some way

Honestly, I'm unable to imagine why this _wouldn't_ be the case. *shrug*

well, because people hide their relationships for reasons that have nothing to do with me, right?

I just went through most of a year of one of my partners not talking to hir family at all about my existance - that wasn't about me, or about hir and my relationship, it was about hir relationship with hir parents. (which is why i was basically ok with it. but it was weird.)

people hide their relationships for reasons that have nothing to do with me, right?

Well, yes.

But, as in the example you used, is it hiding if he doesn't tend to talk to his parents about his relationships _anyway_? If it's not something that would come up in casual conversation with them, and they aren't people he's immensely close to... I don't think I call it hiding.

*shrug*

sie is close enough to hir family that it certainly felt like hiding it to me. but i shouldn't speak for hir...

Oh. Huh. Yeah, that would have bothered me, and I would probably have not agreed to it. :)

*lol* i don't believe i was asked permission :)

really, though, i can share more about this in person, with hir consent :)

*lol* i don't believe i was asked permission :)

*blink* No, I mean I wouldn't have stayed in the relationship, were that the case. Well, presuming that it was something beyond friendship going on. Friendship I can handle being hidden from parents, probably.

You know, this didn't even occur to me?

*chuckle* Yeah, I guessed - there was no sense of such. But, for me, I can't imagine trying to write the things I wrote while _being_ poly-specific. Partly because they were about friends _and_ lovers, and my lines between the two have never been clear, I think.

You've put a lot of human interaction lessons I've learned over the years into a very concise format. It also implies a certain attitude that I've been cultivating for several years regarding one's approach towards others. Thanks, it's a good read.

You've put a lot of human interaction lessons I've learned over the years into a very concise format.

I try. One of the things I strive for the most is conciseness, because if I can verbally state something in a concise manner without large amounts of clarification, than I've almost certainly gotten as close as I can to the original concept in my head. :)

Glad you enjoyed!

Those are good ideas for any sort of relationship, intimate or not. The thing I ask for primarily is honesty, even before kindness or tact. I have a need to know the truth, and not have to hide the truth, too.

I'm sad that we will be leaving MA before I've gotten a chance to meet you in person, I know you would be a wonderful friend.

we will be leaving MA

*blink* I'm not sure I knew you _were_ in MA! When are you leaving?

Well, we're hoping by midmonth in June, but that will highly depend on how well we've gotten our act together, packing and money-wise.

I hate to leave when it's just becoming summer up here, but I'll admit I'll be glad to avoid any more New England winter.

Hmm... may not _help_, since you're leaving either way, but we _can_ do something about not having met...

*grin* No wonder you and I get along so well. :) Many of these resonated with me. Gosh, darn. Now you and cat have me thinking. :)

Heh. This is like the last couple years of life's lessons for me, all compressed into a handy, bite-sized package. Do me a favor - modify this post so it is dated to, say, three years ago. Maybe it will get to me in time. This one:
I can't date people who don't know themselves well enough to stand up for what they want, if they believe it goes against what someone else wants
especially. I've been working on a machine that will travel back in time and warn me, but it keeps messing up and altering time in horribly unimaginable ways (Come on - how else do you explain a second Bush in the white house?)

This is like the last couple years of life's lessons for me, all compressed into a handy, bite-sized package.

*chuckle* Many of those were finally finished learning over the past couple years, but they are all things life has been trying to teach me _forever_.

And they can be very, very difficult to stick to. I suspect strongly that sometime in the next couple years, "I can't date people who don't know themselves well enough to stand up for what they want, if they believe it goes against what someone else wants" will be something I have to spend a lot of time reminding myself of. We'll see.

Wonderful Post!

So many of these speak to the lessons I have learned/ am continuing to learn in my life. The hardest of these for me to learn has been the:
"-I cannot, simply _cannot_, be someone's sole means of support." lesson.
I have been in that kind of relationship and it is a hard expectation to deal with, and harder still to let go of.

*smiles* Every one of those lessons, I learned from experience. Some required more experience than others... :)

The best thing about having discovered a list of these sorts of things, and living by them for several years, is that everything falls into place for the most part... and everything about life, even the inevitable struggles, gets a lot easier.

"To thine own self be true" - Polonius, Wm. Shakespeare

For me, discovering all these things required I not be in a primary relationship, because a primary relationship implied a level of entwinement that made it impossible for me to sort out who I am, coupled with a level of stress about partner happiness that compromised my ability to find energy to work on understanding myself. Now that I've gotten that all sorted out, having a primary partner while still being me and taking time to understand my needs actually works.

For me, discovering all these things required I not be in a primary relationship, because a primary relationship implied a level of entwinement that made it impossible for me to sort out who I am, coupled with a level of stress about partner happiness that compromised my ability to find energy to work on understanding myself.

Yes. Yes, indeed. Can I quote this comment? It's very, very true in my experience.

absolutely!

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life lessons, attempted write-up

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Thanks!

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