Phone calls at 10pm are never good...

[wispfox]

My dad called me at 10pm tonight. She's not responding to treatment. They don't think she'll last out the night.

WMBR was kind enough, on my way home from visiting a friend in Lowell, to play some nicely discordant music. Precisely what I needed.

But I don't own any discordant music. Anyone have any suggestions? It needs to be *music*, not just random noises. And it needs to be as discordant as possible while still being music.

Damn, if my roommate didn't pick the worst time to go to Asia.

I think I'm numb. Except that I'm way tense. And I was crying randomly a few minutes ago. I would really like to have something to beat on right about now.

I hurt. I know my dad, it being his mom, must hurt way more. But I hurt. And I can't do anything with it. I was biting my thumb in the car on the way home, because it was a far more tolerable and present pain. And because I needed to stay in touch enough to drive. Was a strange feeling. Worked, though.

If she does, in fact, not last out the night, they will be going to Wisconsin on Sunday, and staying until the funeral.

Oh, huh. That may mean I no longer have plans Sunday. I was to be visiting my parents. Who may be on their way to Wisconsin at that point.

I have no idea if I'm going to work tomorrow. I don't know if it'll be worse to be at home with no distractions, or to be at work where I may randomly start crying around my co-workers. I guess I'll decide in the morning.

I know my boss will be fine if I don't go; he already told me I could leave if I needed to when I first told him about my grandmother being in the hospital.

Yeah. I hurt. And I have no roommate to cry on or hug. Stupid Asia.

Comments

[kkpixie.livejournal.com]

Ohhhh. *snuggle* I'm sorry you're all alone. That sucks ;.; I hope someone finds you!

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

It's not that I'm alone... it's that most everyone that I know and would be willing to cry on are living nowhere nearby and/or have no car. The issue is that I don't want to hunt people down for comfort, I hate phones, and I'd want to be able to hug someone anyway.

There's also the issue that I have difficulty letting go enough *to* cry, especially with other people around. So even if I were to call someone who I trust and who could visit (there are a few), and they could come, I don't know that I wouldn't just spend the time frozen, emotionally.

Meh. On the plus side, my younger sister called me last night, to make sure that I knew what was going on (the communication in my family is... interesting), and I talked to her for a while...

There's at least some concern that my grandfather will not survive a year beyond when my grandmother dies. They are/were very close.

At this point, I wait. I decided to go to work, as being at home only would mean I'd have nothing to do until I heard something definite. So I'm at work today.

[spark99.livejournal.com]

i'm sorry.

if you want or need to call me, please do.

*hugs*

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Will do. See reply to KK, though. Phones are not my favored method of communication at the best of times...

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Heh. KK = pixie_ysral.

[volta]

I'm sorry to hear that. If there's anything I can do, let me know. You've got my number.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

I may take you up on that offer. Don't know yet.

[volta]

No problem. You know I wouldn't have offered if I didn't mean it.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about this. I have extra e-hugs and virtual soup, if they will help and are not too silly. *sigh*

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

No such thing as 'too silly', as the thought is appreciated.

Thanks.

[ladytabitha.livejournal.com]

Damn straight.  Stupid Asia.

I'm well and a ways away from where you live.  Regardless, if you ever want cuddlins, you just hop in your car and drive on down and wake my ass up.  I mean that.

*net.hugs*

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

I'm already planning on seeing you tomorrow, and the original intent was not because of the current insanity. Therefore, the 'not wanting to visit someone for comfort' thing doesn't apply. Go figure. My head is so fucked up. But, I can steal cuddles then.

Remember my comments about having trouble asking for help? Yeah. It's far more difficult for me to get myself to *go* somewhere for said help/comfort/whatever. At least partly because, in the process of going for help, my emotional cut-off self-protection mechanism kicks in so I can get there safely. So making use of the help/comfort/whatever becomes that much more difficult, due to the fact that I had to stop letting myself feel long enough to get there. And I normally have trouble letting negative emotions out. As discussed elsewhere.

(in a logistical sort of thought, how would I possibly wake your ass up? You have no phone. And I don't have any idea how easily you are awakened by someone outside of your apartment.)

I'm going to stop blaming Asia now. Maybe I should blame Canada, instead? If nothing else, it gets silly South Park songs stuck in my head...

Re:

[ladytabitha.livejournal.com]

You can't steal what's been rightfully proffered!  So neener.

Also, um.  Buzz the doorbell?  That'd wake me up if I were in a coma.  Bah.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Yeah, so people keep saying (in regards to stealing what's been offered). I don't believe it. :)

And doorbell awakening of you information noted.

[beowabbit]

I'm so sorry! Hugs and sympathy.

(My grandfather died a few months ago; he was my last surviving grandparent. I gather you're a lot closer to your grandmother than I was to him, though - I liked him and enjoyed his company, but only ever saw him a few times a year. It was really frustrating though, because it was something that would have been easily preventable if he'd been able to get over his fear of doctors enough to have it checked out in the early stages.)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

'A lot closer' - it depends on one's measuring instrument, I guess. I have not seen her in a few years at least. All of my grandparents live in Wisconsin, you see. And my paternal grandparents traveled a lot, making it even more difficult to visit them. Actually, the last few times I saw them was while we were all visiting Florida.

Of my grandparents, she is easily the one I was closest to. I never really knew my maternal grandmother, as she died when I was very young.

My grandfathers... are my grandfathers. I am closer to my paternal than to my maternal, as my maternal grandfather was never someone I was easily comfortable around.

I certainly can't say I'm *surprised* - as I believe I mentioned in previous posts, she has severe asthma. But I miss her, even considering how rarely I was able to visit, and even considering that I don't even know yet if she still lives. And I worry for my father and my grandfather.

Dunno. Lost whatever, if anything, I was actually trying to say.