[SAD] Oh, hell...
Nov. 4th, 2004 07:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wispfoxYep. The season is here...
I've started to crave uppers intensely (dark chocolate is my friend, but as with all the ingested uppers that I'm aware of, they will make the other half of the equation - that of difficulty sleeping - worse), as an antidote to the fog that is starting to invade my brain and make thinking clearly about anything involving emotions, doing anything, and particularly _caring_ be difficult. Pain also seems to help with focus, so clenching my hand closed during the drive home (nails are good) helped. The problem with craving uppers this intensely is that I have to pay _much_ closer attention to how I get those uppers than normal.
I'm sure that part of this is simply that an early problem with the season is that I have much more problems getting myself to go to bed. So I'm tired physically, as well as mentally. I _will_ go to bed (with melatonin) before 11pm tonight. And, 'though it'll be harder to force myself to do, I need to work on getting access to the gym-like thing at work, and fucking _go outside_ when it's sunny out. No matter how cold it might be, how much work I have to do, or how much effort it might seem. (except that I need a new badge before I can do that, 'cause I can't get back in the building without causing other people a fair amount of annoyance at the moment)
I want an electric blanket to wrap myself in. Or perhaps comforting arms. Both would be nice. I want to be pet, soothed, cradled. I want tangible expressions of love, enough to drown in. I want to not need to think, to make decisions, to be in charge of anything.
I want the part of my mind that is starting to fall prey to the irrationality that goes with this season to have a hope of actually being able to do something about it, rather than (as I always do) fighting against it even though I know it won't matter in the end. I always come out fine on the other end.
I want the fog in my head to go away and leave me the hell alone! And not continue to get worse for the next few months. (it starts getting better after Feb)
I want to not want to cry for no particular reason, and for everything ever.
I want to not have to struggle to get everything and anything done, and to not feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.
I want everything and nothing. I want to be comforted, and I want to be left alone.
I don't want to be needy, but I _am_ needy. And I don't want to be a burden.
*sigh* Yeah, I guess this is more of a PSA than anything...
I've started to crave uppers intensely (dark chocolate is my friend, but as with all the ingested uppers that I'm aware of, they will make the other half of the equation - that of difficulty sleeping - worse), as an antidote to the fog that is starting to invade my brain and make thinking clearly about anything involving emotions, doing anything, and particularly _caring_ be difficult. Pain also seems to help with focus, so clenching my hand closed during the drive home (nails are good) helped. The problem with craving uppers this intensely is that I have to pay _much_ closer attention to how I get those uppers than normal.
I'm sure that part of this is simply that an early problem with the season is that I have much more problems getting myself to go to bed. So I'm tired physically, as well as mentally. I _will_ go to bed (with melatonin) before 11pm tonight. And, 'though it'll be harder to force myself to do, I need to work on getting access to the gym-like thing at work, and fucking _go outside_ when it's sunny out. No matter how cold it might be, how much work I have to do, or how much effort it might seem. (except that I need a new badge before I can do that, 'cause I can't get back in the building without causing other people a fair amount of annoyance at the moment)
I want an electric blanket to wrap myself in. Or perhaps comforting arms. Both would be nice. I want to be pet, soothed, cradled. I want tangible expressions of love, enough to drown in. I want to not need to think, to make decisions, to be in charge of anything.
I want the part of my mind that is starting to fall prey to the irrationality that goes with this season to have a hope of actually being able to do something about it, rather than (as I always do) fighting against it even though I know it won't matter in the end. I always come out fine on the other end.
I want the fog in my head to go away and leave me the hell alone! And not continue to get worse for the next few months. (it starts getting better after Feb)
I want to not want to cry for no particular reason, and for everything ever.
I want to not have to struggle to get everything and anything done, and to not feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.
I want everything and nothing. I want to be comforted, and I want to be left alone.
I don't want to be needy, but I _am_ needy. And I don't want to be a burden.
*sigh* Yeah, I guess this is more of a PSA than anything...
