[introspective] Letting emotions out

[wispfox]

For the most part, I'm _terrible_ at letting out my negative emotions. I suspect part of this is due to the fact that I only recently started working on making sure I _did_ this when I need to, and part because I was so easily emotional as a child (I was a very sensitive kid), and not being able to speak due to my emotions would frustrate the hell out of me.

The problem, however, with doing something as dramatic as controlling my negative emotions while I was a kid is that I went _way_ too far in the other direction. I basically hid them from myself, as best I could and as often as I could. Probably adding to my alienation throughout much of my childhood.

It takes quite a bit (sometimes of time, sometimes of emotion) for me to realize that I'm feeling a negative emotion (although I'm _much_ better at recognizing and accepting it now), and due to lack of experience with letting out negative emotion as an adult, I'm really not very _good_ at it.

This means that I still sometimes let emotions bottle up, because I don't really know _how_ to let them out. Sometimes, music helps, creating it, but the one musical creation method I'm actually _good_ at is my voice, which tends to not behave very well under strong emotion. So this is not a very helpful outlet.

But the problem with bottling them up is that they start being harder and harder to ignore the longer they are trapped. And more and more explosive. The first time I let myself be angry in what was probably at least 10 years was about two years ago. I was quite literally shaking with anger, and reduced to mostly spluttering. I don't even remember the why of the anger, if indeed I even knew it then, but I remember the degree to which it took over. (And I _was_ around someone at the time, but the degree to which it wanted _out_ made that not matter, other than making me recover perhaps faster than I'd otherwise have done)

Because of the desire to avoid explosive outpourings of negative emotion, I've taken to paying much better attention to my emotional state than I used to. I now actually _know_ it when I'm angry/upset/scared/sad/etc - which is a bonus.

But I have to fight myself, fight years and years and years of practice at not letting myself cry, in order to cry. Or rage. Or admit to fear or unhappiness or uncertainty. The first three much more than the last two - I'm pretty decent at the latter two, as long as I'm not fighting a belief in myself that I "shouldn't" feel that way. If that's the case, it's still hard to admit to myself, and worse to other people.

But... the fact that I have to fight myself so hard to get myself to cry (or let myself, in the infrequent cases where something happens which makes me want to and I have time available for it) means that it takes a _lot_ of effort to do so at all. Much more difficult if anyone is around, because that adds in too much extra stuff to my head. Even more difficult if I have to (or feel like I have to) speak - because speach requires me to stop crying long enough to speak, which requires me to block it off for a bit, which makes it that much harder to let out later. Generally, if I block off crying, I don't cry again later without drastic effort (this is why I own _Dancer in the Dark_ - it can make me cry if I need to).

This is why, at the same time as very much _wanting_ to not be alone with strong negative emotions, I do not think I can have others around, at least until I'm more able to let them out on my own. If there are others around, no matter how close I am to them, I will almost certainly mute my expressions of emotions, which rather defeats the goal of learning how to let them out when I need to. Now, that said, I've not been around anyone I trusted enough when I was in the throes of such for quite a while. It may no longer be true that I mute them. I do not actually know.

And. I don't actually know how to let out anger. Truly don't. At least not in a very satisfying manner. But then, I don't often feel anger... I suppose if I felt it for long enough, I'd try my long-time-ago helpful method of throwing a lacrosse ball against a wall for a while.

I also have trouble talking about major fears. I _do_ it, but it's terrifying. More so to explain why they are there. I suspect that this is because doing so is, in effect, giving someone else the keys to my psyche.

And, of course, with all the negative emotions I can think of, knowing the _why_ helps immensely, once I've let the emotions run their course. Not knowing the why of something is easily the worst thing I can think of, because if I can't understand it, I can't do anything with it, and I can't accept it. So as dissonance appears in my brain, I will pick at it and pick at it and pick at it until I can find possible reasons. And I will talk it over with those I am close to to get their ideas about it.

So, knowing all this, y'all can imagine how interesting last night was, when I had lots of emotions to let out, and no one around. Roller coaster city, which I finally ended up stopping at some point. Probably because it wasn't helping that much anymore. I need to find the point between letting out what needs out and riding the waves too much. On the plus side, the fact that I _did_ let them out when they wanted/needed to means I'm much more... stable today than I'd expected to be. There's still a place that is all too empty inside my self, but it's really not _that_ major a difference from what already was.

And having had a good phone call w/australian_joe when I was apparently _completely_ unable to sleep at 2am this morning also helped a lot (including helping me actually _sleep_, eventually!). At that point in time I was no longer having concerns about emotions needing out _Right Now_, so a phone call was _possible_. 'Course, finally falling asleep somewhere between 4:30 and 5 made for an interesting time waking up this morning. For once I didn't completely wake up at 10am. I think I was awake around 11:00, though.

Comments

[jirikido.livejournal.com]

mmm makes sense, your feelings are your friends. well, they're not really good ones of course. some of them are downright mean, but you've known them for a while and that's what counts. i've found that i cast mine to the four winds and let whatever and whoever finds them follow them back to me. strange, but so far it has worked for me. hugs!